My Worst Nightmare 15 By Aragorn, Blair, JH, Scarecrow Cenobite, and MysterioMan007 Aragorn (Jeff) Sits at his computer, typing an On-line Adventure on the Halloween MB, but suddenly the room shakes and there's a 'thunder' type boom and he gets sucked inside his computer. He opens his eyes and he's in a small, deserted town int he middle of the night. "Where am I?" He looks up and sees a giant neon sign that says 'Halloween Fanfiction' "What the hell?" When suddenly..... An old man with a parrot walks by... Man: Snooky, you never WERE very bright when it comes to astrophysics! A quasar is formed when velocity of light- Snooky:-Ah, shut the fuck up and give me a goddam cracker! Hmp! Velocity of light has NOTHING to do with it! It's energy times speed of light- Man: -whatever. (Aragorn stares at them as they walk by) Aragorn: Wow......I hope this alternate computer universe doesn't get all "David Lynch" screwy with me. Triumph: It'll screw you like I screwed the pooch, my little friend! (Aragorn turns to see Triumph the comic insult dog talking to him from the edge of a dark alley. The puppeteer's arm is around the corner) Aragorn: Triumph! What are YOU doing here? Triumph: Who me? I'm looking for this cute bitch named Sundae. Oh, and word is Eminem is lurking around here. Yoo be careful. Aragorn: Thanks. Triumph: You seem like a nice kid......FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!! (Aragorn wanders down the street. A chill goes down his spine. He spots the MIB watching him from across the street) Aragorn: I'm a target now.... (cue dramatic music!!!) The MiB begins a slow descent, walking with puprpose towards Aragorn. Aragorn: Oh, no. It's evil. Pure evil. The MiB stops and looks at him, taking off his hat to reveal...Freddie Harris. Freddie: What's happenin', you Kentucky Fried Motha Fucka? Aragorn: Oh, no. It can't be. Another Worst Nightmare spoof? No-o-o-o-o! Tina Williams steps out beside Freddie and giggles. Tina: Our boss has sent us on the biggest mission of all-time. To destroy the Halloween Fanfiction site. Tina laughs maniacally, as Freddie joins in. Aragorn: Who do you work for? Freddie: The Benjamins, Motha Fucka! (overacting) It's the American Dream! Now can you dig that.... motha fucka! Freddie stares at his hand as if its talking and then does a spinaroonie. Snooky flies into the picture once again. Snooky: Dig it, motha fucka! Dig it! Snooky flies away. Aragorn stares in wonder at the duo and begins crying. Aragorn: Why, oh, why did they let you into the Halloween franchise? LL Cool J wasn't so bad, but now Busta Rhymes! Who's next? Eminem steps out behind Aragorn and puts a gun to Aragorn's head. Eminem: Will the real slim shady please stand up? Aragorn: No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! Freddie: We're taking you back to our boss, motha fucka! You're going to assist us in our plan to destroy the Halloween Fanfiction site.... Everyone stares at Freddie, frowning. He realizes why. Freddie: .....Motha Fucka!!!! Tina: Come with us, Aragorn! You have a job to do! Freddie, Tina, and Eminem grab Aragorn and take him off to see their leader. They arrive at a dark cave and go inside. Dark candles light the area as Aragorn walks up and sees.... Cut to a dungeon... Scarecrow wakes up in a dark dungeon, a shadowy figure standing over him. SCARECROW: Not again. This franchise is about as unkillable as Jason Voorhees! FIGURE: This isn't quite what your expecting though... The figure steps foward to reveal...OSAMA BIN LADEN LADEN: Chappelle has been imprisoned and i've taking his gang over. They're gonna help in my scheme to take over da world! SCARECROW: Riiiight... You're quite mad. And why do you want us? LADEN: You evil sinful people are evil and sinful. SCARECROW: Well that made everything clear.... LADEN: You are my prisoner and your freinds shall never save you! Bwahhahha! SCARE: You DEFINITLY met Chappell.... GEORGE (v/o): 'Cause Osama is free and we're gonna hunt him down. Yee-haw! (We pull back to see Mysterio watching a George W. Bush interview. He bends down and looks at a letter on his table. He picks it up and reads it.) Mysterio, I am writing to yo because something bad is on the horizon. Something very bad. I am being watched. I am writing to some of the regulars on the board and hope that we can all meet, for I fear that this bad feeling I'm getting is rooted on the site. Please join us for this meeting at the Halloween Fanfiction billboard on Halloween night of this year. Hope to see you there. Scarecrow (Mysterio throws the letter down and walks to his window, looking outside the window. He grabs his coat and walks outside, walking towards the Billboard in the distance. When he arrives, he sees JH, looking very grim.) MYSTERIO: Where is everyone? JH: They are gone. Scarecrow disappeared from his room last night. Now Aragorn is gone missing. Something bad is happening. (Snooky flies into the picture.) Snooky: Dig it! Dig it! (Snooky flies out of the picture as Mysterio looks quizically at Snooky as he flies away.) MYSTERIO: What do you think happened to them? JH: I don't know. Robbie was the last one to see Aragorn before his disappearance. He may know something. MYSTERIO: Let's go find him. (Back at the cave, Aragorn comes face to face with a chained up Joe Chappelle, who is looking beaten and bloody in his cell.) ARAGORN: Oh. Maybe you guys aren't so bad after all. (ARAGORN kicks Chappelle in the ribs, causing him to cry out in pain.) FREDDIE: He's our prisoner motha fucka! (Freddie kicks Aragorn in the stomach, using kung fu. Tina and Eminem then grab Aragorn and lead him away. Osama Bin Laden enters and looks down at Chappelle, grinning through is bearded face.) OSAMA: You thought you were evil, Chappelle. But I will rule the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! CHAPPELLE: Just wait. I'm gonna put you in a movie and make your head explode. I am the evilest person in the world! FREDDIE: Evilest ain't a word, motha fucka! But you are telling the truth, motha fucka! (Freddie taks out a gun and blows Osama's head off, causing him to drop dead on the spot. Freddie then releases Chappelle from his chains.) FREDDIE: Fucka, fucka, fucka, fucka. CHAPPELLE: Yes, Freddie. Say it over and over again for the good of the movie. You will take over the franchise as leading man with that dialogue! I can see it now! FREDDIE: That Osama. What a patsy. He wll framed for all of our Kentucky Fried Mutha fuckin' actions, motha fucka! (CHAPPELLE and FREDDIE laugh evilly as Chappelle's fiery chariot pulls in. We cut back to a hotel, as JH and MYSTERIO knock on ROBBIE'S door. INT. ROBBIE'S APT. JH and Mysterio are sitting on a couch discussing what's happening with Robbie who is making them coffee. MYSTERIO: It's very tragic. I believe this cult, whoever they are are infecting every fan-fic site on the 'net with a virus to slowly destroy it. They begin by sucking the ones who post at the message boards into their world and killing them. ROBBIE: You mean, this is their world? MYSTERIO: I'm not sure. It's kind've like Elm Street thing... except instead of dreaming, we're in an alternate dimension. ROBBIE: Who likes vanilla? JH: This is no time to discuss early-nineties white rappers. ROBBIE: No, I mean in your coffee. JH: I take it black. Just then, there is a ring at the door. Robbie walks over to the door, and he looks through the peephole. ROBBIE: Holy God. JH: What is it? ROBBIE: It looks like Joe Chappelle is holding Aragorn hostage at my front porch. JH: How do you know it's Aragorn? ROBBIE: We file-shared. JH walks to a window and looks through a curtain. Chappelle is holding Aragorn hostage. MYSTERIO: Okay, here's the plan. Open the door, grab Aragorn and throw hot coffee in Chappelle's face. JH: That's rude. We don't need to resort to... Oh you said JOE Chappelle? Get the coffee, Rob. He does. The three walk up to the door, Robbie opens it. FREDDIE (o.s.): Merry Christmas Mother Fuckas! The three turn to see FREDDIE HARRIS behind them, with a shotgun in hand. ROBBIE: Get that fucker out of my house. Robbie throws the coffee at Freddie in a rage. FREDDIE: MOTHER FUCKER! He falls to the floor crying. CHAPPELLE: Hey asswhipes! Let me make YOUR heads it explode! They turn to the frightening hellbitch and see him there naked. With a fruit basket. JH's head explodes. MYSTERIO: Do not look directly at the... don't look at it. Robbie and Mysterio cover their eyes and run into the other room. INT. OTHER ROOM Mysterio and Robbie are in the bathroom. The dialouge is now very dramatic. MYSTERIO: We can go out the window. ROBBIE: What about Aragorn? MYSTERIO: It's a lost cause. ROBBIE: Never say that! MYSTERIO: We have to find the others. ROBBIE: What if there are no others? MYSTERIO: There are! ROBBIE: How do you know? MYSTERIO: Because there has to be. A beat. ROBBIE: Then find them. MYSTERIO: What? ROBBIE: You go. I can't leave Aragorn here with that thing in my living room! MYSTERIO: Take care. Mysterio jumps out of the small bathroom window out into the eerie Nightmare on Elm Streetish place. Empty. Dark. CUT TO: INT. BLAIR'S ROOM Blair is sitting at his PC, he has headphones on, and is skimming through something on the computer. The soundtrack plays the soft background music of "Resue Me" by Madonna. Blair begins to hum. BLAIR: I believe in the power of love. A pop-up comes on the computer. It reads: MEET MADONNA, NOW! He moves to close it, but the .gif file changes reading: YES, YOU BLAIR! BLAIR: What? But I haven't put any information into this fucker? His Apple begins to glow. BLAIR: Oh, shit. Not again. The computer's warm glow, sucks him in. The camera moves closer to the head phones, "Rescue Me" still playing when we CUT TO: INT. CLOCKTOWER IN DESERTED TOWN Blair appears on the wood ground, naked. He looks directly at the screen, staring for at least five seconds before speaking.. BLAIR: Jealous? CUT TO: EXT. CLOCKTOWER Blair is dressed in all black, a robe, boots, black nail polish, etc. BLAIR: Just like I imagined it. I finally have the ability to control my dreams. Go me! Go me! Just then, The Man, Triumph, and Snooky walk by, Triumph is humping the bird. BLAIR: Last time I watch late night comedy... Blair turns and walks wherever they came from, and there is a huge bolt of lightening in the sky. Suddenly, cast of Buffy (Buffy, Faith, Willow, Tara, and Anya) appear! BLAIR: At last! My powers work... Blair runs to the girls. BLAIR: Buff, you here, come with me. TARA: Where are we going? BLAIR: Well, my dream... I say we go Bronzin'. WILLOW: Bronzin? BLAIR: Yeah. The Bronze. It is my dream? FAITH: Hey, B, sorry but this ain't no dream. BLAIR: Then how do you know my name begins with B? FAITH: I don't, there's a B on your shirt. BLAIR: Good point. Now, lets go partying. FAITH: Hey, I'm telling ya, this isn't a dream. We're just as shocked as you. ANYA: And I suspect rabid bunnie-hysteria. BLAIR: So, none of you are Buffy, Faith, Willow, Tara, or Anya? WILLOW: Those are our characters on t.v.? BLAIR: So you're really Sarah, Eliza, Alyson, Amber, and Emma? EMMA: Yup. BLAIR: Hey, Eliza and Ally, when this is all over, you want to go get something to drink? ELIZA: Pass. ALYSON: I'm busy screwing someone. BLAIR: Who? ALYSON: Obviouslly not you. AMBER: I'll get drinks with you. BLAIR: Ah, you do nothing for me Amber. BLAIR: Buffy, lets go. BUFFY: My name is Sarah, and get the fuck away from me or my husband will kick your ass! BLAIR: Freddie couldn't do shit. FREDDIE (o.s.): Fuck I caint! BLAIR: Harris? WILLOW: We're telling you! We're real, this isn't a script. There is NO Xander! BLAIR: No, it's Freddie Harris. FREDDIE: And you're all dead. Fred snaps his fingers and an army of Sylvester Stalones appear. BLAIR: This is one fucked up dream. FREDDIE: You're not dreaming... Fuck 'em up boys. The Stalones come after the six girls. All six put up a good fight. BLAIR: I thought you said you weren't Buffy? SARAH: I'm not. But seven years, and you pick up a few things. Sarah Michelle pulls out a stake from her back pocket and stabs Sylvester in the chest. Blair looks at her. A beat. SARAH: Props just happened to be some of those things. CUT TO: INT. ROBBIE'S APT. Chappelle is standing outside of the bathroom door, clothed. CHAPPELLE: Ah, come out. ROBBIE: NO! CHAPPELLE: Do it, or I'll send the monkey's back in there. ROBBIE: All right, I'm coming out. ANGLE: We're the door, Robbie reaches for our knob when behind him, the slithery monster thing that's trying to steal the Ring in LOTR crawls in threw the window. REWIND Episode 0.5: Attack of the Stallones JH's head exploded, killing him instantly. A shock of energy rifted through the net as his body hit the floor. We cut to a distant Star Wars fanfic site...... (Qui-Gon is meditating with his master, Dooku, on Planet Alderaan. A scream echoes in the void) Qui-Gon: Master..... Dooku: Yes, I felt it too.....a tremor in the force..... Qui-Gon: It was JH. He is no more. My Padawan is dead. Dooku: There is a great disturbance happening. Qui-Gon: I must go now. I have no doubt there are people in trouble. Dooku: The Jedi council would not approve. Qui-Gon: The council can kiss my sweet sweet black ass! Dooku: Uhhh.....what? (Qui-Gon is out the door and into his Jedi-fighter) Qui-Gon: R4, prepare to access a ley line of force power and open a portal in the rift. We're going through! R4: Tweet beeple! (The ship breaks the dimensional barrier) MEANWHILE..... (Cut to Robbie's bathroom. He hears the growling beast behind him) Robbie: OH SCHNAP! (he bursts out the door, but a tentacle grabs him) Robbie: Holy calamari, Batman! Chappelle: Ah yes! Gooooood! You've met my new pet. I call him Ferdy. Ferdy, break his arms off.... Robbie: Wait! you expect me to talk? (Chapelle looks at him) Chapelle: No, Mr Red, I expect you to DIE!!! (Several arrows strike the beast, narrowly missing Joe. Joe and Robbie turn in suprise. It's Legolas and Kevin Costner AKA Robin Hood!!) Costner: Back off, squid boy, or I'll taunt you with my bad british accent! Chapelle: YOU Back down, Samwise! I rule in THIS universe with the power of my magical nipples!! (The beast retreats in pain. Robbie, freed from its grasp, tackles Joe Chapelle) Robbie: DING DONG, MUTHA FUCKAAAAAAA! (Robbie bitch slaps the little pud into submission) Robbie: I got him! What do we do now? Costner: I aughta kill this bastard! Thanks to him, I'm all that's left of the official "Robin Hood fanfic site"! Legolas: Calm yourself! We can't kill him by normal means. The council of Elrond has told us how.... (A horn booms in the distance, suprising them) Legolas: The Horn of Gondor! Costner: Boromir! Robbie: Legolas! Somebody needs to carry Aragorn! Aragorn: I'll be fine.... (Aragorn, lying on the floor where Chapelle dropped him, gets up) Aragorn: Leave all that can be spared. We travel light! Let's hunt some Stallone! Costner: YES!!!! (They run into the street. They see Boromir, Blair, the cast of Buffy, Mysterio, Cody, Codebreaker, and Jack McVee fighting the army of Stallones) Mysterio: I found a few more, Robbie! Robbie: I can see that! But we're still outnumbered! (Robbie and Mysterio parry several fists and knives. Blair, using his dream powers, decapitates a Stallone with his bare hand in one swipe. Boromir skewers two more in a whirl of swordsmanship. There is a pause in the battle. Our heroes, breathing heavily from the fight, watch as a hundred Stallones slowly advance and give a horrible warcry) Stallones: ADRIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!! Cody: (annoyed) Oh Judas PRIEST! (They continue to advance. Just when all seems lost, QuiGon bursts through the web barrier, both laser barrels blazing a path through the Rambo wannabes. With a flourish, Quigon leaps out of the cockpit and lands gracefully on his feet. With lightsabre in hand, he charges the massive army of warbling Rockies and slices and dices. The rest of the gang fights with renewed strength, chasing off the Stallones.....for now) Mysterio: This is nuts! Even if we beat them back, we still gotta deal with Freddie and the rest of Joe's cohorts. Quigon: There's always a bigger fish.... Blair: Joe will never leave us alone! Codebreaker: How do we beat something that can't be killed? Costner: There is a way..... (Everyone suddenly notices Costner is mortally wounded) Costner: Joe Chappelle was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can he be unmade..... Sarah: Yo, this is, like, Totally neat but freaky.... Chapelle: You'll never defeat me! You know why? Because you all stink as writers! You can NEVER equal my creative force! Stick THAT in your VCR.....and SUCK ON IT!!! (He is now goading the others with insults and grabs Eliza's butt. He laughs maniacally. In the far distance, Mount Doom erupts triumphantly) (Robbie turns to Cody and the others) Robbie: So.....what do you think we should do? Frankly, I wanna stuff his nuts in a blender. INT. WAREHOUSE - GOOD CHARLOTTE CONCERT Cody, Mysterio, Robbie, Aragorn, QuiGon, Costner, Legolas, Code Breaker, Blair, Sarah, Eliza, and the others are those only in the concert. Good Charlotte peforms "My Bloody Valentine." SARAH: Like finally your dream shit did something good. ELIZA: Yeah, you totally went above and beyond with this one. BLAIR: Well, they're just great. And this song deserves some dancing, come on girls. The cast of Buffy and Blair head on stage and shake their thing. Robbie, Mysterio, Aragorn, and Cody are elsewhere discussing the topics seriously. CODY: What are we going to do? MYSTERIO: There's not much we can do. This is obviouslly another apocalypse we must defeat. ARAGORN: Didn't most of us die in the last one? The three shrug it off. Aragorn rolls his eyes. MYSTERIO: Most of us are already dead anyways. I suppose this is the bitter end. CODY: You know I really hate meeting members of the band in such an apocalyptic way. ROBBIE: Is there anything we can do? MYSTERIO: We're not ready, we never will be. So basking in the sweet release of death, will do it. The music stops. We hear off screens "What the hell?"s and "Get back on the stage and finish the damn song!"s. Mysterio, Robbie, Aragorn, and Cody looked confused when. BILLY (o.s.): You're right. They turn to see Billy Martin the guitarist of GC. MYSTERIO: Bloody hell? BILLY: We're outnumbered. Who knows what's going to happen? We're not ready? They're not ready. We're standing on a mouth of hell. And it's going to swallow us at any time. But when it does, it'll choke on us. ANGLE: Sarah is pissed at this copyright infrginement. BILLY: If Chappelle wants an apocalypse, oh I'll give him one. Code Breaker, Cast of Buffy, Blair, Costner, Legolas, QuiGon and the bandmates of GC are all witnessing, and Billy is talking to them seriously. BILLY: We're not going to stand here and wait. You've all been up against devilish things trying to take over the world and destroy it. But this is the source of that evil. Joe Chappelle. If that name doesn't strike fear into your spine, you need to run now. Oh, and those of you who want to run away? Do it now. Because we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on we're not going to be scared of our fears, we're going to hunt them down and rip out their hearts. JOEL: Or their throats... BILLY: And whatever happens, remember that- An arrow fired into Billy's chest. He starts to cry, and he falls down dead. BLAIR: BILLY! ANGLE: Sarah has a crossbow she stole from the set of Buffy. Everyone stares at her. SARAH: The bastard stole my fucking speech! It took me 72 hours to remember that line. MYSTERIO: Well... wasn't expecting that. Blair looks at his watch. BLAIR: Y'all I have finals to be at right now... They all look at him strangley. BLAIR: But apocalypse is good too. ROBBIE: What does this mean? That Mysterio, Cody, Blair, Aragorn, QuiGon, Code Breaker, Costner, Legolas, Sarah Michelle, Eliza, Alyson, Amber, Emma, Joel, Benji, Paul, and I are all going to save the world against an anti-fic bad director bitch? QuiGon: Nothing gets by you, Red. JOEL: I don't know about this, I mean the rapture? PAUL: Get real you freaks. Paul turns away and walks to the EXIT, where Stallones rampage on him, killing him instantly. ALL but Joel and Benji run in the Warehouse upstairs to hide and escape. ANGLE: Stairs. ELIZA: Hey, identical twinkies. You coming? Stallones come running. JOEL: Fuck yeah! Meanwhile......at Hogwart's....... (Harry Potter and Ron Weasley were sitting with a new ghost, talking in the library) Harry: Wow, JH, That's so sad. Ron: Yeah, getting your head exploded sounds a bit dreary. JH: Well, death has its good points. I don't have to comb my hair anymore, and my breath is always minty fresh. Harry: Is there anything I can do to help? JH: I don't know....I mean, I'm *dead*. You don't just fix that unless your bhudda or something. Ron: Hermione might know a good spell. Harry: Maybe we can find the solution with this Joe Chapelle guy. JH: No! He is EVIL!! ULTIMATE EVIL!!! He makes Valdemort look like Carrot Top. Harry: He sounds like he's got to be stopped. Ron: We could go to the sacred portal of wampeero, and cast the dimensional spell to the Halloween universe. JH: You two really need to study up on your homework. Snape's gonna sock you with a quiz on cannabis in book 4. Harry: Huh? JH: Well, it's not important now. Look, I can't stop you precocious, adventuring seekers, but if you DO go to Haddonfield.....be careful, don't follow spiders, and DON'T mess with Michael. (Ron and Harry leave, bloating the cast of the story even more. Ghostly John Cleese floats up next to JH) John: I say, remarkably bright lads, but they shouldn't have gone. They're in over their heads now. JH: They'll be fine. I sent a friend to get Mr T over in the official A-Team universe. He loves kids. He'll protect them. (JH looks at him) JH: Nasty cut you got there. John: Oh this? Just a fleshwound..... Meanwhile... Scarecrow loooks around his empty dungeo cell where he has been sititng, locked up for some time. "Guys... ummm... help?" In walks... The Master of Evil himself, Joe Chappelle, along with Tina Williams, whose eyes glow red. Scarecrow looks weakly up at them. SCARECROW: You'll never get away with this. My friends will save me. CHAPPELLE: I am eternal. SCARECROW: How dare you use that line! Your overconfidence is your greatest weakness! CHAPPELLE: Your faith in your friends is yours. SCARECROW: I take that back. Your unoriginal lines are your greatest weakness. CHAPPELLE: Then I take MINE back. Nananana Booboo! TINA: Oh, Joey. You make my heart feel like neon! Tee hee! CHAPPELLE: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. SCARECROW: Can you make up anything yourself? CHAPPELLE: Trick or treat, motha fucka! SCARECROW: No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! Meanwhile, on the roof of the warehouse....Mysterio, Cody, Blair, Aragorn, QuiGon, Code Breaker, Costner, Legolas, Sarah Michelle, Eliza, Alyson, Amber, Emma, Joel, Benji,and Robbie enter, looking for a place to hide. CODE BREAKER: What do we do now? COSTNER: I have an idea. BLAIR: What? COSTNER: You all die. COSTNER takes out his bow and arrow from 'Prince of Thieves' and shoots an arrow into Amber, who falls dead. He then turns and in quick succession he shoots Emma, Joel, Benji, and Legolas. They all fall, dead. Everyone looks at Costner. CODY: What did you do that for? MYSTERIO: He's a spy. Chappelle sent him to infiltrate us. ROBBIE: Oh, no. Why, Costner, why! COSTNER: For the good of the movies. The public doesn't have any taste. Joe plans to reinvent moviemaking and he needs my star power to do it. MYSTERIO: Dude, you haven't had a hit in years. COSTNER: I know! Joe knows what true art is! Together, we will make a Halloween movie that will transcend all horror films! Our combined brilliance will be revolutionary! CODEBREAKER: You two combined will produce a movie no one will go see. COSTNER: Shut up! I have power, dammit! I do! I do! Who didn't love 'The Postman'? I beat out Gilbert Gottfried for that role! But we know what the problem with Halloween movies are. MYSTERIO: What? COSTNER: It's that Donald Pleasence! He ruined them! I know you know where he is! Tell me! Joe sent me to get rid of him...and to trim the cast a little. But mainly to kill Donald Pleasence! That nuisance! That bad actor! he turns movie goers away! He's the reason no one went to see my movies! I want him dead! MYSTERIO: Dude, he's been dead for almost eight years. COSTNER: What?! Oh. Well, nevermind then. Forget I said anything. We have Scarecrow. He's from England. I guess he'll have to do. MYSTERIO: Where is he? COSTNER: I'll never tell! (Think "Don't Say A Word") SARAH MICHELLE raises her crossbow and fires a shot into COSTNER. It hits him in the arm. He starts crying like a baby. COSTNER: I'm gonna tell Joe about this and you're gonna be very sorry! He weeps as he runs away. CODY turns to the others. CODY: We must go rescue Scarecrow and save the movie universe! Mysterio, Code Breaker, Sarah Michelle, Alyson, Blair, Qui Gon, and Robbie cheer as they leave to save Scarecrow.... SCARECROW: About bloody time. Suddenly a shape appears within the cell. SCARECROW: Whose there? The shape moves foward to reveal... Paul Merchant. PAUL: Evil walks this place and it wnats our souls! SCARE: oh god, not you. Hellraiser; Bloodline could have been great but no; Chappell had to re-edit it and you had to be a crap actor! PAUL: How dare you! Paul Merchant pulls a TV and DVD out. PAUL: Now you shall watch hellraiser 4 over and over for eternity. SCARE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! (Night fell on Joe's forboding palace. Wraiths circled the battlements on carrion flyers, while the grounds were patrolled by Stallones and creatures of horrible countenance. Joe prepared his camera equipment as the cast assembled) Joe: Send in the prisoners!!! (Hulking brute guards dragged in three defeated figures: Scarecrow, JC Brandy, and......Donald Pleasance!!!????) Donald: Oh my God.....how? How did I get here? JC: Oh noooo......it's Joe.....I thought- Joe: -YOU THOUGHT WRONGGGG, little muffin!!! Halloween six may be over, but your contract with ME is still on!!! Scarecrow: What's the MEANING OF THIS???? Joe: Ahhh, Mr Crow......I see the Hellraiser torment has broken your will. Good.....I'll cheer you up with my new film. A *new* breed of horror..... Scarecrow: Joe....you shot your load in H6. There's nothing new you can do to harm me. Joe: ON THE CONTRARY! On.....the contrary..... (Thunder rumbles. Despairing guitar music plays in the dark halls of the castle fortress) Scarecrow: Is this your new Halloween movie? You actually kidnapped Donald Pleasance and JC Brandy for this? (Tina stepped out of the shadows with a smile and a chainmail bikini barely covering her well oiled body) Tina: Not just a Halloween movie.... (Freddy steps out next) Freddy: This film will be our greatest! Everyone will see it. It will be a box office smash, muthafucka..... Joe: They're right. You and your friends joked and jeered for years, but you will give your money willingly this time. Believe it or not, you and Cody and the others will watch my new film over.....and over.....and will give it great praise...Millions of young men will flock to it! Scarecrow: HOW??? We could never.... Joe: This is not JUST a horror film.....BUT A PORNO!!!!! Scarecrow: WHAT??? JC: Uhhh.....huh? Donald: Oh my God...... Joe: THAT's RIGHT!!! NO ONE can resist a good PORNO!!! When you guys see this hot fucking action, you'll be glued to your seats....almost literally. JC: Ewwwwww!!! Scarecrow: Uhhhhh...... Joe: Behold, my Michael Myers shall be.....KEVIN COSTNER!!! (Kevin smiles and walks out naked except for his mask) Kevin: Just get plenty of close ups of my gorgeous ass, Joey! Joe: Behold, the rest of the cast.....Tina.....Freddy....David Arquette.... Scarecrow: HUH??? Joe: Christina Aguilera....Green Teletubby.....Burt Reynolds.....Dennis Rodman.....Madonna..... Bill Clinton....and......JOSH HARTNETT!!!! (Josh appears in chains) Josh: Oh lordy......help me!!! (Kevin walks up to JC and Donald with a nasty grin) Kevin: Can't wait for the big, *climactic* finish, when I chase you two into a corner.....and fuck the shit out of ya! (JC screams in terror, Donald looks away in despair. Joe chuckles with lust as Tina rubs up against him with her tight bod) Tina: Don't worry, Scarecrow, you can watch me as I work it all over Josh....I'll gobble him up with my super nasty!!! Scarecrow: Supernasty???? What the....where the hell do you guys come from? Freakin mars?? NOBODY will watch this! Joe: Everybody loves porn.....even you. The world will be my oyster when my nasty flick hits theatres! Christina: Everybody's gonna get DIRRTY!!! (She hops onto Freddy and begins to hump the living daylights out of him) Freddy: MUTHFUCKAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Joe: Yes, I wanted to bring you all here to witness my greatest masterpiece. And YOU, Mr Pleasance......I wanted to clone you so that you would be a part of this triumph.....it's the least I could do since I cut so much of you out of H6.....now, however, I'll be keeping every....last....sticky inch of you in this one.... (Donald screams) Joe: Now, let's get started with scene one. Bill Clinton....and Green Telletubby!!! (Bill sits at a desk. Green Teletubby walks in) Bill: Oh woe is me.....Michael is causing so much chaos. It's so distracting Green: Meep meep.....feep meep. Bill: Oh yeah....you're so hot.....Why didn't I notice before....You can help me with this stress! Green: Uh-ooooooooh meep! (Bill throws the teletubby onto the desk and spreads its legs) Bill: Oh yeah......give it to me....I'm so hard.... (CU of Scarecrow's bloodshot eyes. He screams in fits of dimentia as Clinton fucks the teletubby. The screams and almost demented laughter echo the halls. Even the wraiths shudder in the shadows) (Elsewhere.......Gimli, Mr T and Harry Potter have broken through the barrier to Haddonfield) Gimli: I could've done that, ya know! Mr T: Whateva, FOO! Nobody busts walls like the T!!! Gimli: Well, there was no need to be so excessive. From what Legolas told me, Haddonfield is a quiet town.... Harry: This is no town.....it's a tomb.... (They've stumbled on the dead bodies, left by Costner's betrayal. Gimli is in shock) Gimli: no......NOOOOOOO!!! (He runs to Legolas, but in his heart, he knows it is too late) Gimli: It cannot be..... Mr T: It be legless. He finna be dead! This Joe sucka is goin DOWN!!! (Dramatic music builds) Harry: He is powerful indeed.....We must go.....very soon this place will be swarming with Stallones.... (Gimli cries out into the Heavens and raises his axe) Gimli: Let them come.....there is still one Dwarf who breaths in HADDONFIELD!!! (Lightning flashes, thunder rumbles. POV pulls away at quickened pace as Gimli shouts his challenge to Joe) EXT. THE STREETS Mysterio, Cody, Blair, Robbie, Aragorn, and whoever else has been added to this story are walking through a wasteland, a destroyed world overtaken by Stallones. BLAIR: What are we going to do, guys? CODY: We must consult the creator. He will know what to do and where to find Scarecrow. ROBBIE: The creator. ARAGORN: The creator. MYSTERIO: The creator. Snooky flies into the picture and looks at the camera. SNOOKY: The fuckin' creator! CODY: He will know what to do. The walk through an Army of Stallones, fighting as they go. INT. Scarecrow's torture chamber Scarecrow sits in the fetal position, sucking his thumb as the orgy continues. Costner is visible, "Austin Powers"-style in the background, wearing his Myers mask as Tina cries out in pleasure. Chappelle watches, a huge smile on his face. SCARECROW: Make'em stop, mommy. He won't quit, momma! COSTNER: Yeah, baby. Sudenly, JC Brandy is impaled on a corn thresher randomnly in the background. SCARECROW: Guys, hurry up! I can't take anymore! INT. THE LAIR of the Creator Through the Army of Stallones comes Mysterio, Cody, Robbie, Blair, Aragorn, Jack McVee, and Screamer009. They look up and see Dusty Fincher (aka Sumbudy) seated on a throne. CODY: Behold. The creator. DUSTY: I will tell you where they are keeping Scarecrow. They are keeping him....in the land of Oz. MYSTERIO: Oz? Midgets and flying monkeys Oz? Or little red-headed werewolf Oz? DUSTY: Um, flying monkeys. ARAGORN: I have a fear of flying monkeys. JACK: How the hell do you know that? When have you seen one? ARAGORN: In The Wizard of Oz. It's their little hairy asses. Just gives me the creeps. (pause) I didn't mean to say that with people around. DUSTY: You must save Scarecrow before it is too late! SCREAMER009: You coming with us? DUSTY: No. I only have a cameo in this one. Sorry. Besides, I'm getting a vision that frightens me. A vision which involves Madonna, the dead guy from Weekend At Bernie's, and a couple of those little Smurfs. Dusty frowns and looks lost in thought. Everyone looks at each other confused. Dusty suddenly snaps out of it and waves at them. DUSTY: Good luck, my friends. You have more to do after that. Dusty waves his hand in the air and disappears. In Haddonfield, Harry Potter, Gimli, and Mr. T are walking down the streets, looking around at the town. Suddenly, the ghost of JH appears before them. JH: My friends, the time is near for the Apocalypse. You must be strong and stick together agaisnt the evil that has inhabited the fanfiction land. Besides, you're going the wrong fucking way! MR. T: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, foo?! JH: Duh, even Dusty knows that Scarecrow is being held in the land of Oz. Geez, I mean, come on. You guys have magic powers. You should be able to figure this out! MR. T: I don't play with magic, foo! I save me a buck or 2! I'm gonna kick your ass, foo! Dial 1-800-Collect! HARRY: Mr. T, you are making no sense. MR. T: Shut up, midget foo! I ain't got time for no jibba jabba! JH: Mr. T, if you will just cooperate... MR. T: I don't copernicate, sissy boy! I want to kill! I wanna maim! Take yo vitamins, foo! JH: Mr. T, Joe Chappelle is in the land of Oz and is preparing to sacrifice Scarecrow on Mount Doom to the fanfiction Gods in order to shut down the fanfiction universe! And yes, that includes you! MR. T: I ain't no fiction! I'm real! I pity the foo who tries to make me not real! GIMLI: Joe Chappelle is doing it now. Let's go to Mount Doom. HARRY: Over the land and through the air, take us to the Chappelle lair! Harry waves his hands around in the air and they disappear from Haddonfield. On Mount Doom, the ceremony has begun. Joe Chappelle stands over a restrained Scarecrow, and is surrounded by several Sylvester Stallones, Kevin Costner (still wearing the Myers mask and nothing else), Tina Williams, Freddie Harris, Paul Merchant, and they have the dead body of Osama Bin Laden propped up against the wall, like an "audience". JOE: Now, we will offer the Gods our sacrifice in order to make a series out of our pornos, as we hope to broaden our budget and....yes, we want Davidf Hasselhoff t join the cast!!!! David Hasselhoff runs out in slow-motion while the Baywatch theme plays and smiles broadly. He looks over at the group and frowns. HASSELHOFF: Stop looking at my fat rolls, Costner! I see you staring! COSTNER: I was not!!! HASSELHOFF: I saw you!!! I saw you!!! FREDDIE: Shut up, motha fuckas!!!!!! Suddenly, Harry Potter, Mr. T, and Gimli appear, followed by the Ghost of JH. MR. T: Shut up, foo! FREDDIE: Motha fucka! MR. T: Foo! FREDDIE: Motha fucka! MR. T: Foo! FREDDIE: Motha fucka! MR. T: Foo! JH: Oh, shut up! Don't you two know any other words?! Mr. T and Freddie both stare at JH blankly. HARRY: Chappelle, we have come to put a stop to you and your evil plan! There will be no porno Halloween series! I won't let it happen! Chappelle points his staff at Harry and a light comes out of it, burning Harry out of existence, killing him. Gimli and Mr. T look at each other. MR. T: I pity da fool who evaporates my friends! Suddenly, Mysterio, Cody, Robbie, Blair, Aragorn, Jack McVee, and Screamer009 charge into the mountain as flying monkeys hover over the top of the volcano. Screamer looks scared as the flying monkeys hover over them. MYSTERIO: It's time for the final showdown, Chappelle! We're never letting this porn crap see the light of day! JACK: But I guess it wouldn't hurt to see a rough cut, huh? ROBBIE: No, Jack! MR. T: I see you, Stallone! I have wanted a rematch since Rocky III, foo! You and me! Now, sucka! Mr. T charges into the Army of Stallones and begins throwing them around, slamming them on the ground, jumping on them, punching them, kicking them, elbowing them. He begins to tear them apart. Everyone begins to charge at this point, punching, kicking, and fighting, as Joe Chappelle begins to drag Scarecrow over to the edge of the mountain. CHAPPELLE: I am going to make this movie! CODY and FREDDIE are engaged in a karate-style fight. Cody jumps into the air and hits Freddie with a spinning back kick. CODY then jumps into the air and does that Matrix thing, floating through the air while kicking Freddie in the face repeatedly. FREDDIE: Motha fucka! Cody drives him backwards, causing him to fall over the side of the volcano, falling into the hot lava below. Freddie screams as he is killed. Blair dropkicks Tina over the edge. She sails through the air and gives one final "Tee Hee" before disappeaing into the orange lava. Screamer jumps up into the air and starts beating the sense out of the flying monkeys, kicking them, pulling at the their ears, poking them in the eyes, etc. They begin to fall into the lava. Suddenly the ghost of Osama Bin Laden arises from his body and attacks JH. They both begin throwing right and lefts at each other, but not exactly hitting anything but air. Robbie charges and nails Paul Merchant and they begin to fight. Aragorn fights with Costner, flipping over and kicking Costner over the edge, as he bumps into Paul Merchant, who falls over with him. Jack picks up David Hasselhoff and press slams him into the lava below. Mysterio charges and nails Chappelle with a right. The Mortal Kombat theme begins to play as they break out into a huge fight. Mysterio punches, kicks, and hits Chapelle anywhere that he can. He finally ends the series with a right, driving Chappelle back. Chappelle grabs hold of Scarecrow, hanging on for dear life. MYSTERIO: It's over, Chappelle! No one will ever see Costner's naked ass in your movie! CHAPPELLE: If you kill me, I will become much more powerful than you can possibly imagine. MYSTERIO: Another unoriginal barb from Joe Chappelle. Scarecrow... Scarecrow breaks free of his ropes and kicks Chappelle, driving him off the cliff. Chappelle floats through the air, yelling as he disappears into the hot lava below. He is followed by Osama's ghost, who is tossed in by JH. The group looks down as it seems all is won this time around. ROBBIE: Do you think he's really dead this time? SCARECROW: If there's one thing I know, you can't control evil. You can lock it up, bury it, and pray that it dies. But, it's still out there. Waiting...and it may just be closer than you think. In hell, Joe Chappelle arrives in the burning inferno. Satan looks at him with fear as ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez stand beside reenacting Gigli. SATAN: No! No-o-o-o-o-o! FADE OUT. THE END