I STILL KNOW BLA BLA BLA

AKA The Worst Horror Movie In The World

by J. Smith

(The movie begins with LISA COX at the cemetary, placing flowers on her brother Barry's grave. She sniffs.)

Lisa: Oh Barry, I miss you.....I still don't know why you were killed by that man with the hook.

(We suddenly see a DARK FORBIDDING SHAPE approach her)

Lisa: Everytime I see a football I think of you....

(The dark shape...we can now see....has a slicker!)

Lisa: The only good thing that came from your death was that phat car of yours that mom and dad gave to me. It beats my old Jetta....

(Lisa hears a twig SNAP and quickly turns around. She GASPS as a hook plunges into her face. Then her head EXPLODES.)

I STILL KNOW AND I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT YOU DID THAT ONE SUMMER, NOT LAST SUMMER, OR THE SUMMER BEFORE THAT, BUT THE SUMMER BEFORE....AT LEAST I THINK IT WAS THAT SUMMER, BUT EITHER WAY IT WAS A SUMMER AND I DIDN'T FORGET!

STARRING

Jennifer Love Hewitt as Julie Jamies

Freddie Prinze Jr. as Ray Bronson

Brandy as Karla Wilson

Rose McGowan as Wilma Bensdaughter

Brendan Sexton III as Maxwell LaHornie

Monica as Herself

Michelle Williams as Chastity Love

Devon Sawa as Xander Deveroux

Brittany Spears as Mimi Lake

Martin Lawrence as Fred Marshall

Angela Lansbury as Sister Mary Springer

Wendy Kaplan as Becka Nickles

and

Alicia Silverstone as Lisa Cox

Directed by JOE CHAPELLE!!!!!!!!!

(We cut to JULIE JAMES going into a group therapy ward at a hospital. All the people look disturbed. Julie sits down and begins talking)

Julie: It all started last summer....no....I mean the summer, no, the summer before that. Yes. Barry and Helen and Ray and I...we ran over a man on the road.

Radom patient: Did you try to help him?

Julie: No...we threw him underwater and hoped he couldn't swim! But then Ben Willis came back and killed Barry and Helen! He also killed Max and Elsa. He almost killed me! Then the next summer his son tried to help him by tricking us into trusting him.

Random patient: How did he do that?

Julie: He pretended to be our friend. He even called himself Will Benson....get it? Will Benson! I couldn't believe I didn't notice it! Anyways Karla didn't know the capitol of Brazil so we won a trip to the bahamas! And Ben came and used his hook to kill everybody but me and Ray and Karla!

Random patient: Why would Ben want to kill other people if he was getting revenge on you? What did those other people at the Bahamas do to Ben Willis?

Julie: Good question. I mean...I didn't know Ben had such hostilities towards standard hotel maids! I was shocked!

Therapy doctor: I know....

(Julie looks at the bearded doctor)

Julie: What????!!!?!?!!!?!????

Therapy doctor: I know what you did last summer.....

Random patient: Don't you mean three summers after this summer?

Therapy Doctor: That's right. I know what you did three summers after this summer....

(Julie's eyes open wide as the therapy doctor reveals himself to be BEN WILLIS!!!!!!!!!! Ben lunges forward at Julie-----)

(Julie awakens at the food court in the mall. She begins screaming!)

Julie: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!

(Eating shoppers turn and look at Julie strangely. The girls sitting with Julie jump and stare at her shocked. They are Karla Wilson, Wilma Bensdaughter, and Chastity Love. Julie calms down and blushes.)

Karla: Girl, you need to wise up and quit dreaming so much!

Wilma: Was it the shower dream again?

Julie: No....

Chastity: Was it the church dream?

(Julie buries her head in her hands lightly sobbing)

Julie: No.....

Karla: Was it the dream where your talking to that woman psychiatrist and the hook comes busting out the mirror?

Julie: No......

Wilma: Was it the dream where you and Ray are married and the fisherman makes the rocking chair with the teddy bear rock and he grabs you while Ray takes thirty minutes to brush his teeth?

Julie: No......

Chastity: Was it the dream where a Poodle is serving you at McDonald's then a hook comes busting out of your Big Mac?

(Julie is almost crying)

Julie: No......

Karla: Um....was it the dream where your at a group therapy session and the doctor turns out to be Ben Willis?

Julie: Yes.....

(All the girls nod and continue eating)

(We then cut to Ray, who's working on his fishing boat in Blue Bay.He throws a heap of fish onto something then begins walking to take his break.)

Ray: Hey Rob! I'm taking a break!

(Rob nods)

Rob: Okay.

(Ray goes to his car, and sits down with a loud SIGH. He fishes his hand into his pocket and withdraws a RING. He looks around.)

Ray: Julie, I love you....will you marry me?

(Ray imagines Julie taking her time to answer)

Ray: Well Julie? Do you know?

Voice: I know....

(The voice is coming from the back seat!)

Ray: Huh?

Voice: I know what you did last summer! Bwahahaha!

(Suddenly, a person in a slicker jumps up from the back seat and drives a hook into Ray's head. He screams, then his head EXPLODES.)

(We then cut to Julie, Karla, Wilma, and Chastity walking through the mall.)

Chastity: Oh my god! Xander's party is tomorrow, and I have no clue what shoes I should wear!

Karla: I just simply don't know what to wear!

Julie: Were at the mall....why don't you get a new dress?

Karla: I don't have enough money!

Julie: Come to think of it...I'm low on money myself.

Wilma: Hmmm....wouldn't it be cool if we could win a shopping spree in the mall?

Karla: Yeah!

Julie: I wish!

Chastity: Let's look at clothes at Vicki's and dream about wearing them!

(The girls all go into the store and stare at the clothes. Julie, Karla, and Chastity finally exit. Karla turns and sees Wilma still looking at a dress.)

Karla: Wilma Bensdaughter!!! Come on!!!! Our boyfriends are waiting for us!

Wilma: Oh! Coming!

(Wilma runs to them. They all continue to walk.)

(We then cut to Julie, Karla, Wilma, and Chastity meeting their boyfriends in the mall parking lot. They are Maxwell LaHornie, Xander Deveroux, and Fred Marshall.)

(Karla kisses Fred. Then Wilma kisses Maxwell. Then Chastity kisses Xander.)

Julie: I miss Ray.

Karla: Good ol' Ray....Julie, I think he'd love you more if you had gills, girlfriend!

Julie: I know.

(We then cut to the entire group returning to Julie and Karla's house, except Wilma is not there. Hmmmmm.)

Karla: Who wants a Diet Pepsi?

Chastity: I do!

Xander: Cool.

Fred: You know it, girl!

Julie: No thanks....Diet Pepsi remind me....*sniff*.....of Helen!

Karla: I thought she drank Diet Coke?

Julie: Yeah....but it was....*sniff*....Diet!

Karla: oh.

(The phone rings. Karla picks it up.)

Karla: Hello?

Woman's voice: Hello, Is this Karla Wilson?

Karla: Yeah.

Woman's voice: I'm Glenda Glee, owner of the mall you were just at?

Karla: Oh....hi!

Woman's voice: On behalf of the mall, we wanted to congratulate you....you were our one millionth customer!!!!!!

Karla: Oh cool!

Woman's voice: That's not all! You'll win a FREE SHOPPING SPREE if you can answer one simple question!!!!!

(Karla begins jumping up and down)

Karla: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

Woman's voice: Ready? What is the capitol of New York? You have 15 seconds!

(Karla quickly asks the others what the capitol of New York is. Everyone begins scrambling around like chickens with their heads cut off....trying to figure out what the answer is.)

Woman's voice: Answer, please?

Karla: Um.....Capitol City????????

(silence)

Woman's voice: Yeeerrrrr RRRRIIIGGGHHTTTT!!!!

(Karla begins jumping up and down)

Karla: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I WON!!!

(Everyone jumps up and down all happy)

Woman's voice: Congratulations! Come by the mall at ten p.m. and you can only bring six friends....all of you can shop till you drop and not pay a dime!)

Karla: Okay! We'll be there!

(Karla hangs the phone up!)

Karla: I can bring six friends!

Chasity: Oh hooray!

Julie: Wow! We NEEDED a shopping spree! Imagine that!

(The scene then changes to the Church. Mimi Lake and Becka Nickles enter and sit in the front row)

Mimi: Did you hear Karla won a free shopping spree in the mall?

Becka: Tee hee! I'm the queen of room service!!!! Ha!

Mimi: What?

(Sister Mary Springer approaches them and raises her finger to her mouth.)

Sister Mary Springer: Shhhhh! This is the house of god and you shouldn't be talking bla bla bla bla bla.

(Suddenly, the figure with the slicker appears and drives a hook into Mimi, Becka, and Sister Mary Springer. They die....then their heads all EXPLODE.)

(We then cut to the mall at night. Julie, Karla, Wilma, Chastity, Xander, Fred, and Maxwell all enter the unopened doors.)

Karla: Hello? I'm here for my free shopping spree!

(All the store gates are closed and locked. Half the lights are turned off. It is obvious the mall is CLOSED.)

Julie: Hmmmm.....maybe we have to find them? Let's split up. Karla, you come with me. We'll search by the food court. Chastity, you and Xander go to the left. Wilma, you and Fred and Maxwell go to the right. Okay?

All: Okay.

Karla: I want my free shopping spree!

(They split up.)

(We cut to Julie and Karla looking around the empty food court)

Julie: Hello? Glenda Glee?

Karla: You said 10! Hello?

(Cut to Chastity and Xander walking down the hall alone.)

Chastity: Malls make me so horny.

Xander: Me too.

Chastity: Let's fuck!

Xander: Okay!

(They strip their clothes and begin to fuck.)

(We then cut to Wilma, Fred, and Maxwell walking down the other side of the hallway.)

Fred: Man, this is not cool. I have better things to do that walk around looking for a stupid woman.

Maxwell: But....she DID SAY ten p.m.! Where the hell is she?

Wilma: Boys, why don't you keep searching while I go to the bathroom.

Maxwell: Okay honey.

(We then cut back to Chastity and Xander fucking away like rabbits.)

Chastity: Oh yeah! Oh!!! Oh!!!!

Xander: *grunt*

(Suddenly, a figure with a slicker appears and drives a hook right through both Xander and Chastity. They scream then both of their heads EXPLODE.)

(We then cut back to Julie and Karla still wandering around the empty foodcourt)

Julie: Hello???

Karla: Miss Glee?

(Suddenly a figure in a dark slicker appears and attacks them! Julie screams as does Karla. The hook slices Karla in the sholder but they both escape.)

(We then cut back to Fred and Maxwell, sitting on a bench)

Maxwell: This is bullshit! How long does it take Wilma to go pee?

Fred: I don't know....but I'm going to go find Karla and tell her I'm ready to leave.

Maxwell: But....

Fred: You can stay here and wait for Wilma....but I'm gone.

Maxwell: Okay.

(Fred leaves. Maxwell sighs and look down to the floor. He begins singing.)

Maxwell: I wanna push you around....well I will, well I will...

(Suddenly the figure wearing a dark slicker walks up behind Maxwell. The hook shoves itself into Maxwell and his head EXPLODES)

(We cut to Julie and Karla running into Fred. They scream, then Karla and Fred hug. They then see the headless corpses of Xander and Chastity and they all scream. Suddenly, the figure in the slicker appears and takes off it's hat. Julie GASPS....)

(The figure is WILMA BENSDAUGHTER!!!!!!!!)

Julie: Wilma! What? How....why.....who.....I don't understand!

Wilma: Come on Julie! Think about it! WILMA BENSDAUGHTER?

Julie: Huh?

Karla: I don't get it....

(Wilma rolls her eyes)

Wilma: Say it slowly....Wilma Bensdaughter....my name.....Wilma Bensdaughter.....

Julie: Wilma......Bensdaughter......Wilma Bens...daughter.....oh my GOD!!!!!

(Wilma smiles and nods)

Wilma: You killed my dad and my brother! Now you die! Just like your boyfriend Ray!

Julie: Oh.

Wilma: Bwahahaha! But I did need some help.....

(ANOTHER figure in a slicker comes out of the foodcourt.)

Karla: Who's this? Willy Benscousin?

Wilma: No.....

(The second figure pulls off the hat...revealing singer sensation MONICA!!!!!!)

Julie: Wow! Monica!!!!!

Karla: Your the one who almost killed us in the food court!

Monica: That's right....bitch!

Julie: But why?

(Monica smiles at Fred Marshall)

Monica: Because, Karla here is dating Fred and THE BOY IS MINE!

(Monica runs up to Fred and grabs his arm. Karla grabs the other.)

(Wilma and Julie look in awe as Brandy & Monica's single The Boy Is Mine begins playing.)

Karla and Monica: You need to give it up....haven't got enough.....it's not hard to see the boy is mine!

(They begin tugging at him)

Karla and Monica: I'm sorry that you...seem to be confused....he belongs to me, the boy is mine....

(Monica drives a hook into Karla as the music ends. Her head >EXPLODES.)

Julie: Karla!

Monica: So will you date me now?

Fred: Okay.

(Monica kisses him. She then waves at Wilma.)

Monica: Bye!

Wilma: Wait! You have to help me kill Julie!

Monica: I got my boy....you get your girl! Toodles!

(They leave. Wilma fumes at Julie.)

Wilma: I'm....gonna.....lop.....your....head.....off.....with.....my......hook!

Julie: I didn't mean to kill your father!

Wilma: Right, you just fired like twenty shots into him then left him to die in that grave! Also you chopped off his right hand!

Julie: Oh yeah, I was thinking of the time we hit him with the car.

Wilma: Oh yeah! I forgot about that! You killed my brother also!

Julie: I didn't kill your brother Will! I was an innocent bystander *halo appears over Julie's head* while your dad hooked him!

Wilma: Oh. You also killed my sister Susan!

Julie: Susan Willis was killed when David Egan drove off the road...*Halo sparkles over Julie's head*....I had nothing to do with it!

(Wilma thinks a moment)

Wilma: Okay, but I'm still going to kill you!

(Wilma charges at Julie, who withdraws a GUN and shoots Wilma 30 times! Wilma flies back and lands in the mall's fountain! Her head then EXPLODES!!!!)

(We then cut to Julie at a football game. She is rooting for her favorite team. She smiles and looks at the scoreboard. It reads I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!!!)

Julie: Huh?

(Julie screams as the person sitting behind her, Ben Willis, shoves a hook into her throat. Her head then EXPLODES!)

The end.