BIG BOY

10/31/99

FADE IN:

THE SUBURBS-NIGHT

We hear BOSKO in a voice over narration. The voice over plays as we pan down the neighborhood.

BOSKO: (V.O.) My name is Bosko, but thatís not important. Whatís important, is the story Iím going to tell you. Its about this guy. Now this guy, he had it all. A beautiful wife. Great house, great car. Now, I see a lot of folks. I can just tell that these people are on the right road. You see, I live over that hill over there. Sometimes I get my kicks, peering through the windows of the rich folks.

EXT. HOUSE-NIGHT

Bosko sneaks around, outside a house. He stops, and peers inside a window.

INT. HOUSE-NIGHT

A MAN and a WOMAN eat their supper.

MAN: You know, some families watch television while they eat.

WOMAN: So, how was your day?

MAN: Are you even listening to me?

WOMAN: Will you pass the butter please?

MAN: Go to hell!

WOMAN: Butter, please?

EXT. HOUSE-NIGHT

Bosko is sneaking around another house.

BOSKO: (V.O.) The next house wasnít like all the rest. These people, they were in love.

INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT

CORNELIOUS sits on the edge of his bed, watching television.

TELEVISION:.......During half-time the quarterbackís helmet was removed, and he was revealed to be a sixth grader with a grudge. The quarterback was found in the sixth graderís basement. He was tied up, and forced to watch Richard Simmons exercise videos. In other news four were found dead, in a gruesome massacre at Bobís Big Boy. The dead workerís tongues, lips, and fingers were cut off, and thrown into the deep fryer. The eyes were placed in between the hamburger buns, and served, by the killer, to drive-thru customers. If anyone has any information on this horrible crime, please call your local police station.

Corneliousí wife, CLAIRE, enters. They kiss, and fall back on the bed.

BOSKO: (V.O.) Thatís Cornelious, and Claire. They met each other five years ago. She was auditioning for a role in the play that he wrote. She didnít get the part, but they got each other. Isnít that what we all really want? That, and a starring role in a Broadway musical.

INT. KITCHEN-DAY

Cornelious is sitting at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper.

BOSKO: (V.O.) You know those little comic strips you read in the local paper? Cornelious writes them. His partner, Bill, draws them.

INT. COMIC STRIP-DAY

ALVIN, a ten year old boy, walks into his living room.

BOSKO: (V.O.) Alvin. A ten year old boy. B+ student. He likes cookies, television, and weapons of mass destruction.

ALVIN: Mom!

ALVINíS MOTHER walks into the room.

BOSKO: (V.O.) Alvinís Mommy. Am I the only one who think sheís hot? Alvinís Mother is your average housewife, but she has a raging addiction to childrenís cough medicine.

ALVINíS MOTHER: Yes honey?

ALVIN: Have you seen my hat?

ALVINíS MOTHER: Sorry honey, I havenít.

Alvinís pet RABBIT walks into the living room, wearing the hat.

BOSKO:(V.O.) The Rabbit, he likes carrots.

RABBIT: Yo dudes!

BOSKO: (V.O.) And then, you laugh.

INT. KITCHEN-DAY

We are back, Cornelious is sitting at the kitchen table. Claire walks in.

CLAIRE: Morning hon.

CORNELIOUS: Good morning, my beautiful wife.

CLAIRE: Did you do something wrong?

CORNELIOUS: Who, me? Never.

Claire looks over Corneliousí shoulder, at the paper.

CLAIRE: Whatís new in the world today?

CORNELIOUS: There is a position open for a firefighter. I think its about time that I got a real job.

CLAIRE: Growing up I wanted to be a firefighter, then I learned that you put out the fires. You didnít even get to burn books.

CORNELIOUS: Growing up, I wanted to be Kermit the Frog.

CLAIRE: Well, you kinda are like him.

CORNELIOUS: I even took banjo lessons.

CLAIRE: Really? I never heard you play.

CORNELIOUS: Well, it was during the time Deliverance was big, so it didnít go over well. People were afraid.

CLAIRE: Well, I never saw you as a backwards woodsman rapist.

CORNELIOUS: Thatís sweet of you to say.

CLAIRE: You know, Kermit was always a well dressed frog.

CORNELIOUS: Iím going to see Bill today.

CLAIRE: Donít stay out too late.

CORNELIOUS: Iíll be back for dinner.

Claire hugs him.

CLAIRE: Youíre my little muppet.

CORNELIOUS: And thatís a good thing?

CLAIRE: Youíre no marionette.

EXT. DRUG STORE-DAY

ANDY is standing outside a drug store, by a soda machine. -From inside his jacket, Andy removes two spray bottles. He sprays water into the dollar slot. Jackpot! Quarters start to pour out of the machine. Andy collects the change, and leaves.

EXT. BOBíS BIG BOY-DAY

Cornelious walks up to Bobís Big Boy, till the police tape stops him. A huge banner hangs from the restaurant. It reads:

CLOSED, DUE TO MURDERS

Cornelious turns around, and sees Andy.

CORNELIOUS: Andy, how you doing?

Andy shrugs.

CORNELIOUS: Well, good for you. What do you think of the murders?

Andy shrugs.

CORNELIOUS: I thought so.

Cornelious walks over to the BIG BOY. The Big Boy has blood on his face.

CORNELIOUS: Andy, do you have a tissue?

Andy hands him a tissue. Cornelious wipes the blood off the Big Boy.

CORNELIOUS: There. Okay Andy. I have to go, I will see you later.

Andy waves bye.

CORNELIOUS: Bye.

Cornelious walks off, he stops and looks at the Big Boy. Cornelious looks at it for a few seconds, before leaving.

EXT. BILLíS HOUSE-DAY

Cornelious walks to the house. A note is taped to the door.

Corn- Iím in the attic, come in.

Cornelious opens the door, and goes in.

INT. LIVING ROOM-DAY

Billís wife, BETTY, sits on the couch. She watches soap operas. Betty is seventy years old. She spent twenty of those years on the couch sheís on now.

CORNELIOUS: Hello Betty.

BETTY: Cornelious, sit down here.

CORNELIOUS: Sure.

Cornelious sits on the couch, next to Betty.

BETTY: Can you believe what Holden did to her?

CORNELIOUS: No, no I canít. I just canít.

BETTY: Promise me youíll never do that, to your girl.

CORNELIOUS: I promise.

BETTY: See, there are still some good men out there. Be a dear, and get me my teeth.

CORNELIOUS: Sure.

BETTY: And could you get that spare TV tray, out of the closet?

INT. ATTIC-DAY

Cornelious walks into the attic. BILL, 40, is sitting at a desk, drawing his cartoons.

CORNELIOUS: Hey Bill.

BILL: Corn, how you doing?

CORNELIOUS: Oh, Iím fine. How are you?

BILL: Oh, I got my creative cube working overtime.

CORNELIOUS: Well, thatís good. I saw your wife.

BILL: Betty, howís she doing?

CORNELIOUS: Same old, same old.

BILL: Corn?

CORNELIOUS: Yeah?

BILL: Do you think a talking tampon is funny?

CORNELIOUS: Is that for next weekís strip?

BILL: No, off the wall calendar.

CORNELIOUS: Well, Iíll have to think about that. Calendar humor is different from regular humor.

BILL: You know, youíre right. Now I have to rethink my game plan.

CORNELIOUS: Iím sorry if I caused you anymore work.

BILL: No, its fine. You think, maybe we should do a comic strip to honor the massacre at Big Boy?

CORNELIOUS: Donít you think thatís in bad taste?

BILL: A little bad taste never hurt anyone. Look at John Waters.

CORNELIOUS: Yeah, thatís true. Are you going to the cartoon convention?

BILL: Oh shit, is that tonight?

CORNELIOUS: Yep.

BILL: Oh well, it doesnít really matter.

Bill grabs a shoebox off his desk, he hands it to Cornelious.

CORNELIOUS: Whatís this?

BILL: Just look at it.

Cornelious looks inside the shoebox.

CORNELIOUS: Oh God!

Cornelious throws the shoebox on the ground.

CORNELIOUS: Is that someoneís tongue?

BILL: No, its gum.

CORNELIOUS: Oh, are you sure?

BILL: Yes, I made it. Keep that shoebox. Its a little gift.

Cornelious picks the shoebox up, from the ground.

CORNELIOUS: Well, this sure was thoughtful.

BILL: Try some of this.

Cornelious takes out a piece of gum, and studies it.

BILL: Donít worry, its completely edible.

CORNELIOUS: Completely?

Cornelious puts a piece of gum, in his mouth.

CORNELIOUS: And you made this?

BILL: Yeah.

CORNELIOUS: Well, it sure is something.

BILL: This gum thing is a hobby of mine. When you spend all your time drawing, you have to relax.

CORNELIOUS: Or else youíll explode.

EXT. MANSION-NIGHT

Cornelious walks up to a mansion. Cornelious takes out his cell phone, and calls Claire.

CLAIRE: Hello?

CORNELIOUS: Hi, its your little muppet.

CLAIRE: Hi there, Kermy.

CORNELIOUS: Iím going to be a little late, Iím at the cartoonist convention.

CLAIRE: Okay, Iíll wrap up your dinner.

CORNELIOUS: You donít have to do that, Iíll get something.

CLAIRE: Okay then. I love you.

CORNELIOUS: Love you too, bye.

Cornelious puts his phone back.

BOSKO: (V.O.) The cartoonist convention is held every year, here. The home of cartoonist Ricky Norman.

Cornelious peeks in one of the windows.

INT. MANSION-NIGHT

RICKY NORMAN offers Bill something off a platter.

RICKY NORMAN: Frog legs?

BILL: Frogs?

RICKY NORMAN: Yes, very big in France.

BILL: How can someone do that to frogs?

RICKY NORMAN: If the French didnít kill the frogs they would eat all the crops and impregnate all the women.

Bill looks at his watch.

BILL: I gotta go. My Ben and Jerryís stock dropped, I shouldnít be away from it.

RICKY NORMAN: Please, try some legs first, for me, Ricky.

EXT. MANSION-NIGHT

Bill walks out of the mansion. Cornelious hides in the bushes.

CORNELIOUS: Bill, what are you doing here?

BILL: Oh, hey buddy. I just stopped for a drink.

Cornelious notices the Styrofoam container in Billís hands.

CORNELIOUS: What do you have there?

BILL: Frog legs

CORNELIOUS: Poor Kermit.

BILL: They arenít that bad, once you try them. Want one?

CORNELIOUS: No, I think Iíll go home.

INT. CORNELIOUSí BEDROOM-NIGHT

Claire is reading a magazine in bed. Cornelious walks in and falls on the bed.

CLAIRE: How was the cartoonist convention?

CORNELIOUS: I didnít go.

CLAIRE: Why not?

CORNELIOUS: Its just the same thing every time. Iím sick of it.

CLAIRE: If you think so.

CORNELIOUS: I peered through the window, it didnít look like I was missing much.

Cornelious puts on his headphones, and listens to a relaxation tape.

RELAXATION TAPE: You are a dove. Flying through the air. Wind gently hits you. You are free.

CLAIRE: Have I ever told you how much the relaxation tape guy sounds like Michael Keaton?

CORNELIOUS: No, but now that you mention it.

CLAIRE: Iím going to be out of town tomorrow.

CORENLIOUS: Really?

CLAIRE: Donna and I have to go upstate to pick up some crickets.

CORNELIOUS: Watch out, the second you let your guard down.

CLAIRE: You gonna play the banjo for me?

CORNELIOUS: You really want me to?

CLAIRE: Yeah.

CORNELIOUS: Right now?

CLAIRE: Yep.

CORNELIOUS: Okay, but only for you.

Cornelious gets up and digs in his closet. He finds the banjo.

CORNELIOUS: Now donít tell anyone about this.

CLAIRE: I wonít.

Cornelious starts to play.

CORNELIOUS: I want to dedicate this song to Claire, my lovely wife.

CLAIRE: Claire, is that the woman you talk about in your sleep?

CORNELIOUS: Iím talking in my sleep again? Iím going to have to tape my mouth shut.

CLAIRE: No, Iíll do it.

CORNELIOUS: You talk like that and I wonít sing for you.

INT. CORNELIOUSí BEDROOM-DAY

Cornelious has just woken up. Claire enters.

CLAIRE: Hey honey, gotta go.

She kisses Cornelious.

CORNELIOUS: Okay, have a good trip.

CLAIRE: Iíll be back before eight.

CORNELIOUS: Okay, have fun.

INT. ARBYíS-DAY

Cornelious walks up to the counter. The ARBYíS WORKER waits on him.

ARBYíS WORKER: Hi, welcome to Arbyís, how can I help you?

CORNELIOUS: A Priest, a Monk, and a Rabbi walk into an Arby's....I would like some curly fries, and some packets of secret sauce.

ARBYíS WORKER: The curly fry machine is broken.

CORNELIOUS: Broken?

ARBYíS WORKER: Yeah, whenever its turned on, it shoots curly fries at people.

CORNELIOUS: I donít care, I want some curly fries, if someone has to die then so be it.

ARBYíS WORKER: I can only give curly fries to you if it was some sort of emergency. Like if you were the president or somebody.

CORNELIOUS: I am somebody.

ARBYíS WORKER: Who?

CORNELIOUS: Iím Arthur Scnapp.

ARBYíS WORKER: What the hell did you do?

CORNELIOUS: You know those ice trays that make ice cubes in the shape of naked ladies?

ARBYíS WORKER: Yeah?

CORNELIOUS: I invented those.

The Arbyís Worker throws some Arbyís secret sauce on the counter.

ARBYíS WORKER: Take the sauce and get out of my Arbyís, you sicko!

Cornelious takes the sauce.

CORNELIOUS: Iíll never buy barbecue here again.

ARBYíS WORKER: We donít want your dirty naked lady money, Arbyís is a family restaurant!

CORNELIOUS: Excuse me Arbyís guy. You donít treat your customers with respect, and that will not stand!

EXT. BOBíS BIG BOY-DAY

Cornelious walks up to the Big Boy.

CORNELIOUS: Hello Big Boy.

Cornelious strokes the Big Boyís face.

CORNELIOUS: You know, you are quite beautiful.

Cornelious leans closer to the Big Boy.

CORNELIOUS: Its just not your looks, its whatís on the inside.

Cornelious kisses the Big Boy. A long passionate kiss.

CORNELIOUS: I need you.

Cornelious looks into the Big Boyís eyes.

CORNELIOUS: I need you, more than Iíve ever needed anyone before.

Cornelious licks Big Boyís face.

CORNELIOUS: I want to be inside you.

Cornelious gets behind the Big Boy. He reaches into his pocket and removes packets of secret sauce. He rips open the packets, and pours them over the Big Boyís head. The sauce travels down the Big Boyís face, and onto his shoulders. Cornelious licks the secret sauce off the Big Boy.

CORNELIOUS: I love you.

Cornelious strips out of his clothes. He empties packets of secret sauce over his own body. Cornelious begins to make love to the Big Boy.

CORNELIOUS: Oh, my Big Boy.

Andy watches Cornelious and the Big Boy from behind a bush.

EXT. CORNELIOUSí HOUSE-DAY

Andy walks up and rings the bell. Claire answers.

CLAIRE: Oh hi, Andy, right?

Andy nods.

CLAIRE: So, how can I help you?

Andy stares at Claire.

CLAIRE: Whatís wrong?

Andy shakes his head.

CLAIRE: You better come inside.

INT. CORNELIOUSí KITCHEN-DAY

Claire leads Andy into the kitchen.

CLAIRE: Do you want something to drink, or eat?

Andy shakes his head.

CLAIRE: Letís sit down.

Claire and Andy sit at the kitchen table. Andy stares in Claireís eyes.

CLAIRE: Is Cornelious okay?

Andy opens his mouth, no words come out.

CLAIRE: Maybe you should write it down.

Andy spots a notebook lying on the table. He pulls it over, and fishes a pen out of his pocket. He writes, and hands the story to Claire.

CLAIRE: Oh my.

INT. CORNELIOUSí KITCHEN-LATER

Time has passed. Claire and Andy are sitting at the kitchen table. Claire starts to cry, Andy hands her a tissue.

CLAIRE: I just donít know how to thank you.

Andy puts his arm around Claire.

CLAIRE: Thank you for telling me.

Andy nods.

Cornelious enters.

CORNELIOUS: Honey, Iím home.

Andy gets up.

CLAIRE: Bye Andy.

Andy walks up to Cornelious and gives him a dirty look.

CORNELIOUS: Hi Andy.

Andy leaves.

CORNELIOUS: Okay, there was something up there. Well Claire, you are home early.

CLAIRE: There was an accident with the crickets.

CORNELIOUS: I hope no one got hurt.

CLAIRE: Andy saw you.

CORNELIOUS: Saw me do what?

CLAIRE: You were.............intimate with a statue.

CORNELIOUS: That doesnít sound like me.

CLAIRE: You screwed the Big Boy.

Cornelious takes a seat.

CLAIRE: Donít sit down.

Cornelious takes Claireís hand.

CORNELIOUS: Andy told you?

CLAIRE: Yes.

CORNELIOUS: Its not what he mimed to you.

CLAIRE: What does the Big Boy have that I donít?

CORNELIOUS: Nothing, youíre perfect.

CLAIRE: Then why are you getting your jollies from a Big Boy?

CORNELIOUS: Well, I donít have an answer for that.

CLAIRE: I want you to leave.

CORNELIOUS: What?

CLAIRE: Get out. Leave.

CORNELIOUS: And go where?

CLAIRE: I donít care, check into a motel.

CORNELIOUS: Fine, but this is stupid.

CLAIRE: Was he better then me?

CORNELIOUS: The Big Boy?

CLAIRE: Opposed to all the other statues that you had sex with.

CORNELIOUS: I said, youíre perfect.

CLAIRE: I hate you for what youíve done.

CORNELIOUS: You know I donít respond well to being hated.

INT. CORNELIOUSí BEDROOM-NIGHT

Cornelious is packing a suitcase. Claire walks in.

CORNELIOUS: Donít worry, Iím leaving.

Claire walks out. Cornelious puts a photo of Claire into his suitcase.

EXT. CORNELIOUSí HOUSE-NIGHT

Cornelious leaves.

BOSKO: (V.O.) Cornelious and Claire had their rough times, but every couple does.

INT. BAR-NIGHT

Cornelious walks into the bar, and takes a seat.

BARTENDER: What can I get for you?

CORNELIOUS: Something cheap that will make me blind.

BARTENDER: Thatís all we serve.

CORNELIOUS: Then this place can become a regular hangout.

The Bartender laughs and leaves for the drinks. A REAL COOL GUY comes over and sits down. He is decked out in a sports blazer, and wears sunglasses in this dark bar.

CORNELIOUS: You Canadian?

REAL COOL GUY: No.

CORNELIOUS: Then why the sunglasses?

REAL COOL GUY: I see better with them.

CORNELIOUS: That doesnít make sense, but if it feels good.

REAL COOL GUY: If it feels good, do it.

CORNELIOUS: I thought so.

REAL COOL GUY: No?

CORNELIOUS: Thereís some holes in your motto.

REAL COOL GUY: I didnít make it, I just adopted it.

CORNELIOUS: You can do us all a favor, and send it back.

The Bartender comes back with the drink.

BARTENDER: Sunglass Stu!

REAL COOL GUY: Billy the Bartender?

BARTENDER: Can I get you anything?

REAL COOL GUY: Iím good for right now.

BARTENDER: Iíll be back in five minutes, you better be drinking.

The Bartender walks away. Cool Guy goes back to talking with Cornelious.

REAL COOL GUY: You got some troubles, donít you?

CORNELIOUS: No, Iím trouble free.

Cornelious looks at his watch.

CORNELIOUS: For 90 days, now.

REAL COOL GUY: Donít lie, I can tell.

CORNELIOUS: Can you?

REAL COOL GUY: Yeah, and I can give you some advice.

CORNELIOUS: One sentence and its all better?

REAL COOL GUY: I was thinking at least two, but how about you should talk to her?

CORNELIOUS: Thatís what I was thinking, but maybe Iíll finish my beer first.

REAL COOL GUY: Sheís more important than beer.

CORNELIOUS: Thatís the smartest thing I heard all night.

REAL COOL GUY: Really?

CORNELIOUS: No. I mean how can a girl compete with this, this glass? Its perfect.

REAL COOL GUY: I think you should call her.

CORNELIOUS: Should I?

REAL COOL GUY: Thereís a phone on the end of the bar.

Real Cool Guy hands Cornelious a quarter.

CORNELIOUS: Its more than that.

REAL COOL GUY: The rest you have to put up yourself.

CORNELIOUS: Neat.

Cornelious gets off his stool, and walks toward the phone.

REAL COOL GUY: Donít take no for an answer.

Cornelious points to The Real Cool Guy.

CORNELIOUS: Drunken American Super Dude, ladies and gentleman. Right there.

Cornelious walks to the pay phone, and calls Claire.

CLAIRE: Hello?

CORNELIOUS: Hi Claire.

CLAIRE: What do you want?

CORNELIOUS: I want to talk to you.

CLAIRE: No.

CORNELIOUS: I coming home.

CLAIRE: Donít.

CORNELIOUS: Iím sorry Claire, but I have to.

CLAIRE: You just donít want to pay for a hotel room.

CORNELIOUS: Iíll see you soon.

Cornelious hangs up the phone, and walks back to his stool.

REAL COOL GUY: How did it go?

CORNELIOUS: Iím going to see her.

REAL COOL GUY: Great.

CORNELIOUS: Billy, one for the road.

BARTENDER :(O.S.) Sure.

EXT. ROAD-NIGHT

Cornelious is walking along the road.

BOSKO:(V.O.) And this, is where I met Cornelious.

INT. CAR-NIGHT

Bosko is driving in his car, very fast.

EXT. ROAD-NIGHT

Boskoís car speeds down the road.

INT. BOSKOíS CAR-NIGHT

Bosko sees Cornelious, and steps on the brakes.

EXT. BOSKOíS CAR-NIGHT

The car stops, inches from Cornelious. Cornelious looks at the car.

CORNELIOUS: Letís go sunshine.

EXT. ROAD-NIGHT

A TRUCK speeds down the road.

INT. TRUCK-NIGHT

The TRUCK DRIVER sees Boskoís car, and beeps his horn.

TRUCK DRIVER: Move asshole!

Bosko doesnít move. The Truck Driver steps on his brakes.

EXT. BOSKOíS CAR-NIGHT

The Truck doesnít stop in time, and hits Boskoís car. Boskoís car flies forward, hitting Cornelious. He is thrown against the windshield of the car. Corneliousí head hits the windshield, with a loud pop.

INT. BOSKOíS CAR-NIGHT

Bosko runs out of his car.

EXT. BOSKOíS CAR-NIGHT

Bosko runs toward Cornelious.

BOSKO: Hey, are you okay?

The Truck Driver gets out of his truck, and runs over.

TRUCK DRIVER: What the hell?

He sees Cornelious.

TRUCK DRIVER: Fuck! Is he okay?

BOSKO: I think heís dead.

TRUCK DRIVER: Oh, just my fucking luck!

BOSKO: Well, I donít think he feels too good about this either.

The Truck Driver starts to kick the side of his truck.

INT. FUNERAL HOME-DAY

Corneliousí body lies in a casket. Two OLD MEN walk up to the coffin.

OLD MAN 1: Its sad, isnít it?

OLD MAN 2: Very sad.

OLD MAN 1: Such a young boy.

OLD MAN 2: Full of life.

OLD MAN 1: Full of spark.

OLD MAN 2: Full of it.

OLD MAN 1: He was going places.

OLD MAN 2: Then he died.

The Old Men lean over the coffin. They speak to Cornelious.

OLD MAN 2: Run over, in the middle of the night.

OLD MAN 1: Why do you think we showed you all those public service announcements on public transportation starring Don Knotts?

OLD MAN 2: Its a shame, isnít it?

OLD MAN 1: It really is.

OLD MAN 2: And he was such a beautiful baby.

OLD MAN 1: He really was.

OLD MAN 2: I always thought you would be the first to die.

OLD MAN 1: What do you mean by that?

OLD MAN 2: Nothing.

OLD MAN 1: We should probably get him ready for the GM.

OLD MAN 2: I get to do his nails.

OLD MAN 1: They donít want the nails done.

OLD MAN 2: Once they see my work, theyíll want them done.

OLD MAN 1: Some people donít want nails done.

OLD MAN 2: But they donít know what they are missing, I steer them in a new light.

OLD MAN 1: I donít know how I live with you.

OLD MAN 2: I donít know how I live with you!

OLD MAN 1: Quit bitching, and do his nails.

INT. CEMETERY-DAY

Corneliousí casket is being lowered into the ground. Claire cries. Bill cries. Bosko cries. The Truck Driver cries.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

INT. ?????????-???????

Cornelious is in a blank landscape. Cornelious looks around, and sees nothing.

CORNELIOUS: Hello?

DEATH appears.

DEATH: Hello Cornelious. Welcome.

CORNELIOUS: Hi, who are you?

DEATH: I am Death.

CORNELIOUS: I am a dove. I am flying through the air. Wind gently hits me. I am free.

DEATH: What are you doing?

CORNELIOUS: Nothing, I thought Death didnít talk.

DEATH: Silence gets you nowhere.

CORNELIOUS: Can you please tell me where I am?

DEATH: You are dead.

CORNELIOUS: Well, that sucks.

DEATH: You were hit by a car.

CORNELIOUS: Yeah, I know. I still tingle. Its still a pretty bad way to die. Couldnít I have like fallen off the worldís tallest building.

DEATH: Iím sorry, a tall building was not in your playing cards.

CORNELIOUS: Oh well.

DEATH: Arenít you upset, that youíre dead? I mean, didnít you have things you wanted to do?

CORNELIOUS: Right now Iím numb about my present situation. Iím sure some feeling of dread will hit me, but I did want to take up some sort of sculpting class.

DEATH: Well, its just that most people sob and beg for their life back.

CORNELIOUS: Oh, would it be easier for me to cry?

DEATH: Whatever makes you feel better.

CORNELIOUS: So, could you please tell me what this is all about?

DEATH: I am here to take you to Heaven or Hell.

CORNELIOUS: I donít get to choose?

DEATH: Sort of, you died at a rather bad time, Heaven is full.

CORNELIOUS: Does that mean I get to go back as a zombie?

DEATH: No, but it does mean you might get to go back. See, we ran a check on your name. You arenít bad enough to get in Hell.

CORNELIOUS: And all those late nights trying to commit sin.

DEATH: Why are you joking?

CORNELIOUS: Its what I do.

DEATH: Oh, you arenít funny.

CORNELIOUS: Iím dead, cut me some slack.

DEATH: Iím Death, and even Iím funnier than you.

CORNELIOUS: Are not.

DEATH: Anyway, I want to convince you to go back to Earth.

CORNELIOUS: How do you plan to do that?

DEATH: Iím going to show you things that will make you miss Earth.

CORNELIOUS: Do your worst!

Death snaps his fingers. A home movie, of Cornelious and Claireís wedding, is projected.

DEATH: Remember Claire?

CORNELIOUS: Oh, that is hitting below the belt!

DEATH: Your wife.

CORNELIOUS: Yeah, I know who she is.

DEATH: Any fond memories of her?

CORNELIOUS: Of course not, Iíve only known her for what, seven years?

DEATH: Would you like to share the memories?

CORNELIOUS: Oh, is it sharing time? You go first.

DEATH: No.

CORNELIOUS: Youíre Death, Iím sure you have lots of wacky stories to tell.

Death snaps his fingers again. A table and a chair appear in front of Cornelious.

CORNELIOUS: A dinning room set? If anything will make me miss Earth, its this. Oh, and its Oak! Death, you are the greatest!

Death snaps his fingers again, an ice cream cake appears on the table.

CORNELIOUS: Cake?

DEATH: Not just any cake, ice cream cake.

CORNELIOUS: Neat.

DEATH: When youíre dead, you canít have ice cream cake.

CORNELIOUS: Not even on my birthday?

DEATH: And if thatís not enough, I will now take you on a magical tour of Hell.

CORNELIOUS: You donít have to do that.

DEATH: I want to.

CORNELIOUS: Can I have some ice cream cake first?

DEATH: No.

CORNELIOUS: I tried.

A portal opens.

DEATH: Follow me.

CORNELIOUS: Will this be a musical trip through hell, like in Staying Alive?

Death walks through the portal. Cornelious follows.

INT. HELL-DAY

A beautiful day in Hell. Flames shoot from the floor. Dozens of naked and tortured bodies, hang from the ceiling. Screams of pain flood the area. The DEVIL, a man in a black cape, walks up to Cornelious and Death.

DEVIL: Hi, Iím the Devil.

CORNELIOUS: You donít seem very devilish.

DEVIL: Donít let my appearance fool you, I am very evil.

DEATH: Could you please take Cornelious, on like a tour?

DEVIL: Sure.

The HELL-TRAM drives up to them.

DEVIL: Everyone on the tram. Keep all limbs inside while we are in motion.

EXT. TORTURE ROOM 1-DAY

Cornelious, Death, and The Devil walk off the tram, and into the first torture room.

INT. TORTURE ROOM 1-DAY

A NAKED WOMAN sits in the corner of the room. Her arms are chained to the wall.

DEVIL: Get over here!

The Woman crawls over. The Devil takes out a whip.

DEVIL: This is the fun part.

The Devil whips the girl, then stops. He hands the whip to Cornelious.

DEVIL: Now you try.

CORNELIOUS: No thanks.

DEVIL: Are you sure?

CORNELIOUS: Yes.

DEVIL: Its okay if youíre into that, I donít judge.

INT. TORTURE ROOM 2-DAY

A MAN sits at a desk, licking envelopes. The Devil, Cornelious, and Death watch.

CORNELIOUS: That doesnít look like that bad of a job.

DEVIL: Then why donít you take his place?

CORNELIOUS: No thanks.

MAN: Ever get a paper cut on your tongue? It hurts!

DEVIL: Hey, donít stop the licking!

MAN: Sorry, sir.

INT. HELLíS BATHROOM-DAY

The Devil, Cornelious, and Death walk into Hellís bathroom.

DEVIL: This is Hellís bathroom.

CORNELIOUS: I bet the air-dryers shoot flames.

DEVIL: Well, I canít divulge all of Hellís little secrets.

FLUBE comes out of one of the stalls.

FLUBE: Hey D!

DEVIL: Cornelious, Death, I want you to meet Flube. He makes sure everything around Hell goes as smoothly as it does.

CORNELIOUS: Hi there.

FLUBE: Hey.

DEATH: Hello Flube.

FLUBE: Wow, youíre Death. Thatís far out.

DEATH: Yeah, thanks.

Flube speaks to Cornelious.

FLUBE: Hey, arenít you the guy going back to Earth.

CORNELIOUS: Yep, thatís me.

FLUBE: Why do you want to leave all this?

CORNELIOUS: Love.

FLUBE: Love will get you a bowl of fruit loops and a coupon for polish.

CORNELIOUS: Lemon scented polish?

DEVIL: There was this thing with Flube, and a girl once.

FLUBE: She was a bitch, most women are.

CORNELIOUS: I still love them.

The Devil starts to laugh.

FLUBE: Hey D?

The Devil laughs uncontrollably. He grabs onto a stall for support.

CORNELIOUS: What the hell is wrong with this guy?

EXT. CLIFF ABOVE HELL-DAY

The Devil leads Cornelious and Death, to a cliff above Hell.

DEVIL: This is my favorite part of Hell, because of the view.

DEATH: Its very nice.

DEVIL: And that concludes our tour, any questions?

Cornelious raises his hand.

DEVIL: Yes?

CORNELIOUS: Whatís with the cape?

DEVIL: What do you mean?

CORNELIOUS: I mean, it makes you look like a dork, youíre not Superman.

DEVIL: Do not fuck with the cape! The cape holds evil powers beyond your wildest dreams!

CORNELIOUS: The cape does?

DEVIL: Yeah.

CORNELIOUS: Thatís a pretty neat cape, can I get one?

DEVIL: Oh sure, Iíll just get you one at the gift shop.

CORNELIOUS: You have a gift shop? This place is better than Disney World!

DEVIL: Thatís what I say.

CORNELIOUS: Could I get a plush toy of you?

The Devil walks away.

CORNELIOUS: Hell isnít as bad as I thought.

DEATH: He didnít show you the really twisted stuff, canít be having nightmares.

CORNELIOUS: That would be too much for me to handle.

INT. HELL-DAY

Cornelious holds a plush toy of the Devil in one hand, and a giant lollipop in the other. He looks at the plush doll, then at the Devil.

CORNELIOUS: It really looks like you!

DEVIL: Next month we introduce the talking Devil dolls. He says a series of witty phrases.

CORNELIOUS: Can we come back next month? Please Death!

DEATH: Weíll see.

DEVIL: As something to remember your little trip to Hell by, you get to take one tortured soul!

INT. THE ROOM OF TORTURED SOULS-DAY

The Devil leads Cornelious into the room of tortured souls. In the middle of the room, SOULS float in a pool of magma.

CORNELIOUS: Just pick one?

DEVIL: Yep. Just watch out, one is a cannibal. Once you get to Earth, heíll eat your face.

CORNELIOUS: Its like a game show!

A SOUL jumps up.

SOUL: Pick me! Pick me!

Flube enters. He knocks the Soul back into the magma, with a broom. Cornelious points to a soul, RICHARD.

CORNELIOUS: Iíll take this one, heís feisty.

DEVIL: Okay.

RICHARD: You made a wise choice! Iím Richard, by the way.

CORNELIOUS: Hi, Iím Cornelious.

RICHARD: When we get back to Earth, can we go somewhere to play Pac-Man?

CORNELIOUS: If I had my way, thatís all weíd do.

INT. HELL-DAY

Cornelious, Death, Richard, The Devil, and Flube say good-bye.

CORNELIOUS: And Flube, Iím going to miss you most of all!

FLUBE: My mighty heart is breaking.

Cornelious and Flube hug.

DEVIL: Enough with this sappy shit, go before I kick you out!

A portal opens. Death, Cornelious, and Richard go though it.

INT. DEATHíS WHITE ROOM-DAY

Death, Cornelious, and Richard arrive.

DEATH: Cornelious, I have to show you something.

CORNELIOUS: Okay.

DEATH: You wonít want to see it.

CORNELIOUS: Do I ever want to see anything you show me?

Death projects an image of Cornelious and Claireís bedroom. Claire is in the bed, next to the Big Boy.

RICHARD: Sheís fucking a Big Boy! Isnít that a crime?

CORNELIOUS: Hey, you were in Hell! Donít judge!

RICHARD: Blow up one bus, and youíre paying for it for your whole afterlife.

CORNELIOUS: Maybe you shouldnít have blown up that bus.

RICHARD: I had to!

CORNELIOUS: Why?

RICHARD: Uh......that bus was going to run over a bunch of baby ducks. By blowing up the bus, I saved the ducks.

CORNELIOUS: Do you know what the moral of the story is?

RICHARD: No?

CORNELIOUS: Donít save ducks.

DEATH: Filthy animals.

RICHARD: Besides, Iím just saying.

CORNELIOUS: Yeah, well donít.

DEATH: Thereís more.

CORNELIOUS: Like what?

DEATH: The Big Boy is a murderer. He killed those people at Bobís Big Boy. He is going to kill Claire.

CORNELIOUS: Really?

DEATH: Iím sorry.

CORNELIOUS: This is a lot. Give me a second.

RICHARD: Everyone already knows heís a killer. Its obvious.

DEATH: You have to do something.

CORNELIOUS: Well, I have to stop him.

DEATH: Yeah, involve Richard in some way.

CORNELIOUS: Sure.

RICHARD: I know Karate.

DEATH: Now remember, you have been dead for sixth months.

CORNELIOUS: Good, I missed the Flu season.

DEATH: Good luck Cornelious.

CORNELIOUS: You gonna zoop me back to Earth now?

INT. COFFIN-DAY

Cornelious is transported into his coffin. Its pretty dark.

CORNELIOUS: Oh shit!

EXT. CEMETERY-DAY

Richard stands by a gravestone:

RICHARD: How you doiní babe?

INT. COFFIN-DAY

Still dark.

CORNELIOUS: And now back to your regularly scheduled program, A Very Brady Columbus Day.

Cornelious kicks the coffin.

CORNELIOUS: Fuck! I think I broke my toe!

EXT. CEMETERY-DAY

Richard is still trying to pick up the dead chick.

RICHARD: Come on baby, donít be so cold!

CORNELIOUS: (O.S.) Richard? Richard are you there?

RICHARD: No girl, donít pay any attention to that.

INT. COFFIN-DAY

Cornelious is holding his toe.

CORNELIOUS: Richard, I think I broke my toe!

EXT. CEMETERY-DAY

Richard sees a bus.

RICHARD: Sorry babe, I got to motor. You understand?

INT. COFFIN-DAY

Cornelious is getting a little mad.

CORNELIOUS: Richard, if you are out there, you better fucking say something!

EXT. CEMETERY-DAY

Richard walks toward the bus.

RICHARD: Cornelious, its for the ducks.

INT. COFFIN-DAY

Cornelious pounds on the coffin.

CORNELIOUS: Look! Greg put the lamp shade on his head! Now he's dancing! Someone give me a dollar!

EXT. BUS-DAY

Richard stands outside the bus. The doors open.

INT. COFFIN-DAY

Cornelious hits the coffin lid with his shoe.

CORNELIOUS: Oh, look at Greg now! He's got the cat up there with him! Patty, are you recording this?

The coffin opens.

INT. BUS-DAY

Richard enters the bus. He nods to the DRIVER, and walks to his seat.

EXT. CEMETERY-DAY

Cornelious crawls out of his grave.

CORNELIOUS: Richard?

Cornelious sees the bus.

CORNELIOUS: Shit!

The bus starts to drive away, Cornelious runs after it.

CORNELIOUS: Get back here Richard!

INT. BUS-DAY

Richard takes a seat, next to a middle-aged woman, GLENDA.

RICHARD: Hi.

GLENDA: Hello.

RICHARD: That is an adorable pin you are wearing.

GLENDA: Its a giraffe.

RICHARD: Yes, and its adorable.

GLENDA: Giraffes are quite misunderstood beings, like myself.

RICHARD: So, where is this bus going?

GLENDA: Atlantic City.

RICHARD: Neat.

Glenda goes back to reading her romance novel.

EXT. BUS-DAY

Cornelious gives up running. He stops, and catches his breath.

INT. DEATHíS WHITE ROOM-DAY

Old Man 1 and Old Man 2 sit on chairs, smoking pipes. Death is there too.

OLD MAN 1: So is he dead, or not?

OLD MAN 2: Yes, what is all this coming back to life shit?

OLD MAN 1: When you are dead, you stay dead. Otherwise it screws up peopleís plans.

OLD MAN 2: We were going to go to Jamaica.

OLD MAN 1: Land of the eels.

OLD MAN 2: Swim with the dolphins.

OLD MAN 1: Thatís sea world.

OLD MAN 2: You can do it everywhere these days.

Old Man 1 puts on his sunglasses.

OLD MAN 1: Its bright in here, donít you think?

OLD MAN 2: You are such a bitch.

OLD MAN 1: Really, how?

OLD MAN 2: I think you know.

OLD MAN 1: Not in front of the dead guy.

OLD MAN 2: Practice what you preach.

OLD MAN 1: Please!

OLD MAN 2: Donít mind him Death, he must have a fever or something.

EXT. CORNELIOUSí HOUSE-DAY

Cornelious walks up to his house. He peeks in through the windows.

INT. LIVING ROOM-DAY

Claire is watching television.

EXT. CORNELIOUSí HOUSE-DAY

Cornelious watches Claire for a few seconds, then leaves.

EXT. BILLíS HOUSE-DAY

Cornelious looks in through the windows. Betty is passed out, on the couch. Cornelious opens the door, and enters.

CORNELIOUS: No Betty, donít get up. I can find Bill. Yes, I have been dead.

INT. ATTIC-DAY

Bill is drawing at his desk. Cornelious enters, holding the newspaper.

CORNELIOUS: Who is this hack that you got to replace me?

BILL: Corn?

CORNELIOUS: Hi there, Billy.

BILL: Arenít you, like dead?

CORNELIOUS: I thought that too, but Death really cleared things up for me.

BILL: The guy with the hood, and the big sickle?

CORNELIOUS: Yeah, weíre good friends.

BILL: I think Iíve been sniffing too many markers.

CORNELIOUS: So anyway, back to this hack. Tell me about him, please?

BILL: He was the only guy I could find, to replace you.

CORNELIOUS: And?

BILL: His name is Troy, and heís a pretty funny guy.

CORNELIOUS: Funnier than me?

BILL: No one is as funny as you.

CORNELIOUS: Good. Now Bill, I have to talk to you, about a very serious subject.

BILL: Thatís a first.

CORNELIOUS: I think Claire is in danger.

BILL: Could you give me a second? Its not every day, your best friend returns from the dead.

CORNELIOUS: No, back to Claire.

BILL: I just saw her last week.

CORNELIOUS: Promise you wonít let anything happen to her.

BILL: Okay. Have you seen her, since you came back?

CORNELIOUS: No, but I will.

BILL: Corn?

CORNELIOUS: Yeah?

BILL: Now that you came back from the dead, does this mean youíll write for the comic strip again?

CORNELIOUS: I dunno. How would Troy feel, about losing his job to a dead guy?

BILL: I think heíd be cool with it.

CORNELIOUS: Probably.

BILL: Corn, is everyone going to start coming back, or is this a one time thing? Cause I got this really bitchy dead aunt, and if she comes back, I donít know what I would do.

CORNELIOUS: You have nothing to worry about.

BILL: Good.

CORNELIOUS: But the afterlife is a really funny thing.

EXT. CORNELIOUSí HOUSE-NIGHT

Cornelious is peering through the window, watching Claire sleep. Cornelious walks away from the window, and turns a corner. He runs into Bosko. The two shock each other at first, then Bosko looks at Cornelious.

BOSKO: Hey, arenít you dead?

CORNELIOUS: I sure am!

BOSKO: Oh, how you doiní?

CORNELIOUS: Good. Being dead is great. You should see how white it made my teeth.

BOSKO: Iíll look later.

CORNELIOUS: Why are you at my house?

BOSKO: I think you have bigger problems than me being at your house. One, you are dead. Two, you are outside, and your wife is inside, sleeping. Three, there is a scary looking dude behind you.

Cornelious turns around. He sees Death.

CORNELIOUS: Hi there.

Death taps Bosko on the head.

BOSKO: Leif, you blimey old crouton!

Bosko falls to the ground, asleep.

DEATH: So, Richard bailed on you.

CORNELIOUS: You transported me back into a coffin! You know how hard it is to get out of one of those things?

DEATH: You think I would, wouldnít you?

CORNELIOUS: I donít spend a lot of time thinking about you.

DEATH: Did you kill the Big Boy yet?

CORNELIOUS: Iíll do it tomorrow!

DEATH: This Big Boy is a very serious monster.

CORNELIOUS: Donít worry, Iím on it. I just wanted to make sure Claire will be all right, during the night. Then Iíll go get a gun, and shoot Big Boy in the face.

DEATH: Good plan.

INT. BILLíS BEDROOM-DAY

Bill wakes up.

INT. LIVING ROOM-DAY

Bill walks into the living room. Betty is asleep on the couch. The television still plays.

INT. BATHROOM-DAY

Bill walks into the bathroom. He sticks his head in the toilet bowl, and tries to drown himself.

INT. GUN STORE-DAY

Cornelious walks up to the counter. The GUN SALESMAN waits on him.

CORNELIOUS: Iím Cornelious, you killed my father, prepare to die.

GUN SALESMAN: Excuse me?

CORNELIOUS: Nothing.

GUN SALESMAN: Well then, hi. Good morning.

CORNELIOUS: Its a beautiful day out, isnít it?

GUN SALESMAN: I havenít been outside today.

CORNELIOUS: You should. Its days like this, that make you feel great to be alive.

GUN SALESMAN: Well, I could use one of those.

CORNELIOUS: Being such a beautiful day, I would like to buy a gun.

GUN SALESMAN: Donít we all? Thatís why I love this job.

CORNELIOUS: And it shows.

GUN SALESMAN: So, what type of gun?

CORNELIOUS: Uh......what do you recommend?

GUN SALESMAN: Well, what do you want to do with the gun?

CORNELIOUS: I want to kill the mascot of a major family restaurant.

GUN SALESMAN: Excuse me?

CORNELIOUS: I want a powerful gun.

GUN SALESMAN: Okay, I can do that.

The Gun Salesman takes out a box, and sets it on the counter. He opens the box.

GUN SALESMAN: Stealth Arrow Gun.

CORNELIOUS: It just screams powerful.

GUN SALESMAN: It will kill a rhino.

CORNELIOUS: Well, thatís all I need to know! Wrap it up!

Death enters, and touches the Salesman on the head. The Salesman falls on the counter, asleep.

CORNELIOUS: Do you have to do that to everyone?

DEATH: This guy wonít remember anything now. Do you want him to tell everyone he sold a gun to a dead guy?

CORNELIOUS: Its not a regular gun, its a Stealth Arrow Gun, have some respect.

DEATH: Take the arrow gun, kill the Big Boy, save the girl.

CORNELIOUS: I was going to stop for a Frosty first.

Death shoots him a dirty look.

CORNELIOUS: Hey, Iíve been dead! I need some sugar. I should get some weed, just to deal with all this.

DEATH: No weed.

CORNELIOUS: As long as you promise to stop putting people to sleep.

DEATH: Take the gun and leave.

CORNELIOUS: He could have hit the corner of that counter.

DEATH: Go.

CORNELIOUS: He could have poked his eye out.

INT. OLD MENíS HEARSE-DAY

Old Man 1 and Old Man 2 are riding in their hearse, listening to the radio.

OLD MAN 2: Could you please put something else on?

OLD MAN 1: No. Iím driving, when you drive its your radio.

OLD MAN 2: Fine, then let me drive.

OLD MAN 1: No.

OLD MAN 2: Iím going to go in the back, and lie down in the coffin.

EXT. STREET-DAY

The Big Boy walks off someoneís lawn, right in front of the hearse. The hearse swerves to miss him.

INT. OLD MENíS HEARSE-DAY

The Old Men collect themselves after the near accident.

OLD MAN 1: That just made me incredibly hungry.

OLD MAN 2: Letís go to Bobís.

EXT. CORNELIOUSí HOUSE-DAY

Its early morning. Bill walks up to the door. He spits out his gum, and rings the doorbell. Claire opens the door.

BILL: Hi Claire.

CLAIRE: Morning Bill.

BILL: I need to talk you.

CLAIRE: Okay, come in.

INT. KITCHEN-DAY

Claire and Bill sit at the breakfast table.

CLAIRE: You want some coffee?

BILL: Sure.

Claire makes them some coffee.

BILL: I just donít know how to explain this.

CLAIRE: Iím thinking of getting a pet.

BILL: Really?

CLAIRE: Like a dog, or a cat.

BILL: A ferret.

CLAIRE: Yeah, companionship.

BILL: Sea Monkeys?

CLAIRE: What?

BILL: Little fish guys.

CLAIRE: That doesnít sound too bad.

BILL: Well, good luck on that.

CLAIRE: If I had a dog, I would name him Wade Reilly.

BILL: Anyway, as I was saying, I have something to say.

CLAIRE: Oh, thatís nice.

BILL: But I donít know how to say it.

CLAIRE: Just tell me right out.

The doorbell rings.

BILL: Iíll get it for you.

CLAIRE: Thanks.

Bill exits the kitchen and opens the door. He sees the Big Boy.

BILL: Oh, hi. I think you have the wrong house. This is 114, sorry.

Big Boy takes out a knife, and jams it in Billís stomach.

BILL: Pardon me........you seemed to have lost your knife......in my stomach.

Big Boy removes the knife, and drags Bill into the house.

EXT. ACROSS THE STREET-DAY

Cornelious sees the Big Boy enter the house.

CORNELIOUS: Oh shit! Cornelious to the rescue.

Cornelious bends down.

CORNELIOUS: My shoe came untied.

INT. KITCHEN-DAY

Claire is refilling her coffee mug. The Big Boy enters, holding his knife.

CLAIRE: Before you enter, let me say that I donít allow your kind in my kitchen. I know we have a history, but Iíve had a change of heart.

EXT. CORNELIOUSí HOUSE-DAY

Cornelious runs in his house.

INT. CORNELIOUSí HOUSE-DAY

Bill lies on the floor, dying. Cornelious bends down.

CORNELIOUS: Bill, Iím going to go call you an ambulance. Hang on buddy.

BILL: Heís after Claire.

CORNELIOUS: Donít talk. Iím going to get you help.

INT. KITCHEN-DAY

The Big Boy has gotten Claire into a corner.

CLAIRE: I canít believe you could even think of killing me, after all weíve been through. Didnít you love me? At least care about me? Oh, and my birthday present, a box of plastic sporks, what the hell is wrong with you?

She throws the pot of coffee at him. The Big Boy screeches.

CLAIRE: Yeah, hot coffee will do that to you.

Cornelious enters.

CLAIRE: Cornelious?

CORNELIOUS: Hi Claire.

Cornelious points the gun at the Big Boy. He sends an arrow at Big Boyís head. The arrow hits him, and Big Boy falls.

CORNELIOUS: I know this is a bad time, but I have something to tell you.

CLAIRE: Face to face? I thought you would just leave a post-it on the fridge.

CORNELIOUS: Claire, Iím not dead anymore.

CLAIRE: I can tell.

CORNELIOUS: Oh, can you?

CLAIRE: Youíre kind of animated, that gave it away.

CORNELIOUS: How are you Claire?

CLAIRE: Iím okay.

CORNELIOUS: I really didnít want to meet this way. I wanted to make an entrance. Like crashing through a window, or something.

CLAIRE: Oh, your entrance was fine.

CORNELIOUS: Thatís sweet. Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.

Cornelious picks up the phone.

EXT. BACKYARD-DAY

Bosko is asleep, on a lawn chair. He wakes up.

BOSKO: Hello? I had this weird dream, I was falling in some sort of tube. Then it emptied into this pool, full of whipped cream and scorpions. It was pretty freaky. Hello?

Bosko walks toward the house.

INT. KITCHEN-DAY

Cornelious hangs up the phone.

CORNELIOUS: Iím going to go check on Bill.

The Big Boy springs back up. He walks out of the kitchen.

CORNELIOUS: I better go after him.

CLAIRE: Will you pick up some milk, on your way?

CORNELIOUS: Sure. You check on Bill.

EXT. CORNELIOUSí HOUSE-DAY

The Big Boy is walking away, rubbing his head. He steps in Billís gum. Cornelious exits the house. Big Boy tries to leave, but is stuck in the gum.

CORNELIOUS: Youíre in a sticky situation there, arenít ya?

Big Boy groans. Cornelious sends another arrow into his back. Big Boy falls.

CORNELIOUS: Thatís for your restaurant, and how it overcharged me for soup.

Cornelious kicks the Big Boy.

CORNELIOUS: Bitch.

INT. CORNELIOUSí HOUSE-DAY

Claire is sitting next to Bill, holding his hand. Cornelious enters.

CLAIRE: Did you get the milk?

CORNELIOUS: No.

CLAIRE: Weíll just have to use the powdered stuff for now.

CORNELIOUS: Claire, Iím sorry.

CLAIRE: About the milk?

CORNELIOUS: No, about the other thing.

CLAIRE: Are you?

CORNELIOUS: If I could change it, I would.

CLAIRE: Get some milk, weíll call it even.

EXT. CORNELIOUSí HOUSE-DAY

The Big Boy cuts himself lose from the gum, with his knife. He starts to crawl away. Bosko walks up to

BOSKO: Well, you donít see that every day. You okay, fella?

The Big Boy groans at him.

BOSKO: I bet you want to go back to Bobís.

Bosko looks at Big Boyís wounds.

BOSKO: Looks like someone fucked you up pretty bad. Canít you walk at all?

The Big Boy tries to stand up, but falls.

BOSKO: Here, Iíll help.

Bosko grabs Big Boyís shoulder, and helps him stand up.

BOSKO: One foot in front of the other.

Bosko and the Big Boy begin to walk.

BOSKO: Thatís it. Baby steps.

EXT. BOBíS BIG BOY-DAY

Bosko and Big Boy sit on a bench.

BOSKO: Youíre doing okay, just relax.

Andy sits on the bench, next to them.

BOSKO: Hey Andy.

Andy waves.

BOSKO: This guy here, heís feeling a little low.

Andy pats Big Boy on the back.

BOSKO: Andy, stay here with him. Iím going to get a milkshake.

Bosko walks into Bobís Big Boy.

Andy looks at the Big Boy, and flashes him the ďthumbs upĒ. Big Boy growls, and bites Andyís hand. With his other hand, Andy reaches into his pocket. He removes his spray bottle, and sprays salt water into the Big Boyís eyes. Blind, Big Boy swats at the air. His hand makes contact with Andyís face. Andy is thrown onto the ground. Big Boy wipes his eyes, and jumps on Andy. The two fight on the ground, till the arrow gun is placed at Big Boyís head.

CORNELIOUS: Get off of him!

The Big Boy stands up, and Andy runs off. Bosko walks up to them, with his milkshake.

BOSKO: What are you doing to my boy?

CORNELIOUS: Stay out of this!

A BOBíS BIG BOY WORKER runs out of the restaurant.

WORKER: Hey! What the fuck did you do to my big boy?

BOSKO: Hey, this is my Big Boy!

WORKER: Get away from him, Iíll put you in jail!

BOSKO: I saved him from death. Iím keeping him!

WORKER: Well, Iíll see you in court.

BOSKO: I can kick your ass, so the Big Boy is mine!

The Worker inspects the Big Boy.

WORKER: Youíre paying to have him cleaned up!

CORNELIOUS: You got to realize something, this guy is evil!

WORKER: Evil my ass! It looks like you ran him over with a truck!

BOSKO: We also threw him off a bridge.

WORKER: Come on boy, come with me.

CORNELIOUS: Do not stand in the way of things! This Big Boy has killed several people.

WORKER: Then be glad Iím taking him off your hands!

CORNELIOUS: Heíll kill you too.

WORKER: Iím a Bobís employee. I can control him. Donít worry about me.

CORNELIOUS: You canít control him, no one can!

Cornelious points the arrow gun, at Big Boyís neck.

WORKER: You drop that now, or Iíll get the manager on your ass!

CORNELIOUS: Iím on a mission from Death, please.

WORKER: Well, ......fuck you man!

CORNELIOUS: Donít talk to me that way!

WORKER: We are on my turf! Liver-head!

CORNELIOUS: Liver-head? I can not believe my ears.

BOSKO: And what the hell are you talking about, my turf? Youíre a fucking trainee!

WORKER: Gimme the gun!

CORNELIOUS: I donít think that will happen any time soon.

The Worker knocks the gun out of Corneliousí hands. The arrow gun flies in the air, and fires.

CORNELIOUS: That was my last arrow!

The arrow hits McDonaldís Golden Arches, and causes them to come crashing down. The Arches fall on Big Boy.

CORNELIOUS: Today is a sad day for fast food.

WORKER: Manager Ross, come here please!

The Big Boy moans, under the Golden Arches.

BOSKO: Heís still alive!

CORNELIOUS: Oh, of course he is.

Bosko and the Worker free the Big Boy, from the Golden Arches.

WORKER: Letís go home.

The Worker grabs Big Boy, and drags him toward the entrance, of the restaurant. Big Boy tries to shake him off, but the Worker has a pretty good grip.

WORKER: You are going in, if you like it or not.

The Big Boy jams his knife into the Workerís stomach. The Worker dies. Cornelious runs over.

CORNELIOUS: I was hoping it didnít have to come to this.

Cornelious opens his shirt.

BOSKO:(O.S.) Yeah, thatíll kill him.

A bomb is taped to Corneliousí chest.

CORNELIOUS: Iím sending you back to Hell. Let Flube worry about you.

The Big Boy grabs Corneliousí neck, and starts to strangle him. Cornelious punches the Big Boy, and they both fall into the restaurant. The bomb goes off. Bobís Big Boy explodes. Bosko stares at the rubble. Andy joins him. Bosko looks at his milkshake.

BOSKO: I wanted to get this refilled.

EXT. THE OTHER PART OF BOBíS BIG BOY-DAY

Right before Bobís Big Boys blows up. Old Man 1 and Old Man 2 are walking toward Bobís. The fireball exits the building and comes toward the Old Men.

OLD MAN 1: This is Corneliousí doing.

OLD MAN 2: All his fault.

The fireball shrinks right before it hits the Old Men.

OLD MAN 1: I think I shit my pants.

OLD MAN 2: Thatís just the feeling you get after sitting in pie.

OLD MAN 1: Want to go to Dennyís?

OLD MAN 2: Yes, yes I do.

INT. BILLíS HOUSE-DAY

Betty is sitting on the couch, watching soaps.

BETTY: That Holden is a bastard!

She passes a bowl of candy to Death, also sitting on the couch.

BETTY: Want some?

DEATH: No thanks.

BETTY: Thereís caramel in the center.

DEATH: Caramel?

The phone rings. Death picks it up.

DEATH: Hello? (Pause) When did that happen? (Pause) Okay, Iíll be right there.

Death hangs up the phone.

DEATH: Betty, I have to go to the hospital, work stuff.

BETTY: Okay. When you come back, Iíll tell you what happened.

DEATH: Thanks, youíre a doll.

Death kisses her forehead, and leaves.

INT. HOSPITAL-DAY

Death is walking down the hall. He sticks his head, in a room.

DEATH: Sorry, wrong one.

INT. BILLíS HOSPITAL ROOM-DAY

Bill is lying on his hospital bed. Death walks over to him.

DEATH: Hello Bill.

BILL: Are you Death?

DEATH: Yes.

BILL: Donít touch me.

Death touches Billís face. Bill dies.

DEATH: To a better place, Bill.

EXT. STREET-DAY

Bosko is walking down the street. Death appears.

DEATH: Hello. Can you please tell me where Bobís Big Boy is?

BOSKO: Keep walking for about two blocks.

DEATH: Oh, thank you.

BOSKO: Sure.

Death walks away.

BOSKO: You sickle carrying sonofabitch.

EXT. BOBíS BIG BOY-DAY

Death walks up to the rubble, that was once Bobís Big Boy.

DEATH: Cornelious, are you in there?

Cornelious digs himself out of some rubble.

CORNELIOUS: Yeah, Iím here.

DEATH: Cornelious, youíre dead.

CORNELIOUS: You sure?

DEATH: Yes.

CORNELIOUS: Really sure, not like last time.

DEATH: Its time to come with me.

CORNELIOUS: Man, that sucks.

The fire trucks and police cars arrive.

DEATH: Come on Cornelious, its time to go.

CORNELIOUS: Hold on, I lost my wallet.

DEATH: Believe me, you donít need it.

CORNELIOUS: I found it. I was laying on it.

Cornelious flips through his wallet.

CORNELIOUS: Hey, someone took my Blockbuster card!

Death grabs the body of the Bobís Big Boy Worker.

DEATH: Is this guy dead?

CORNELIOUS: No, heís just resting.

Death throws the body down.

CORNELIOUS: Hey, have some respect for the dead!

DEATH: You ready?

CORNELIOUS: If I knew this was going to kill me, really kill me, I would have never done it. Or at least buy a really fast car first.

INT. DEATHíS WHITE ROOM-DAY

Cornelious sits at a table. Death stands across from him.

CORNELIOUS: So, Iím dead?

DEATH: Yes.

CORNELIOUS: For real?

DEATH: Yes.

CORNELIOUS: I can break down and sob now.

DEATH: That wonít be necessary.

CORNELIOUS: It might make me feel better.

DEATH: Go ahead.

Cornelious pretends to cry.

CORNELIOUS: Oh, I canít take it anymore!

DEATH: Put down the skinned bear, stop screwing your cousin, and get a grip on yourself, ya lousy redneck!

CORNELIOUS: Okay, I feel better now.

DEATH: I have your last meal.

An ice cream cake appears in front of Cornelious.

CORNELIOUS: Ice cream cake? This almost makes everything worth while! Can I have some candles?

DEATH: Sure.

CORNELIOUS: I mean those trick ones. The ones that never go out.

DEATH: Iím on it.

CORNELIOUS: Death, I donít care what Elia Kazan says, you are a good friend.

DEATH: We are going to heaven, are you ready for that?

CORNELIOUS: I hear everything there is white.

DEATH: Except the white-out.

VOICE: Its really more off white.

Bill stands in the middle of the room.

CORNELIOUS: Bill!

BILL: Hi Cornelious.

CORNELIOUS: Why are you here?

BILL: Iím dead too!

CORNELIOUS: And youíre proud of that?

BILL: I said you were funny, and I was right.

CORNELIOUS: Its always about you.

DEATH: I have to leave you alone for a second, someone stole my lunch.

CORNELIOUS: Well hurry up, and you can find dessert.

Death leaves in a flash of light.

CORNELIOUS: I tell you to watch Claire, and you get knifed in the stomach.

BILL: I got knifed defending her.

CORNELIOUS: All excuses.

BILL: Well, you exploded.

CORNELIOUS: On purpose.

BILL: That doesnít make it any better.

CORNELIOUS: Iíll be the judge of that.

INT. KITCHEN-NIGHT

Claire sits at the kitchen table, crying. With a flash of light, Cornelious appears.

CORNELIOUS: Hello Claire.

CLAIRE: Cornelious, are you coming back?

CORNELIOUS: No, Iím afraid that I have to stay dead.

CLAIRE: You know, this is the second time I lost you.

CORNELIOUS: I know, but youíre my girl. Youíre tough.

CLAIRE: Not that tough.

CORNELIOUS: Of course you are.

CLAIRE: Are you happy?

CORNELIOUS: Am I happy?

CLAIRE: In Heaven, or where ever you are?

CORNELIOUS: Yeah. Iím there with Bill. Its better than it sounds.

CLAIRE: As long as youíre happy.

CORNELIOUS: Do you know why I fell in love with you?

CLAIRE: Because Iím pretty?

CORNELIOUS: No, there was more than that.

Cornelious walks over and hugs Claire.

CORNELIOUS: You are you, and there is no denying that.

CLAIRE: I love you.

CORNELIOUS: Yeah, I love you too.

Claire kisses him.

CORNELIOUS: Good-bye Claire.

CLAIRE: Bye Cornelious.

In a flash of light, Cornelious is gone. Claire is left alone.

BOSKO: (V.O.) And that is pretty much the story of Cornelious and Claire.

Claire shuts off the lights, and exits the kitchen.