A Dark Comedy With Bright Colors

By Brando

Brando@sprintmail.com

7/20/99


FADE IN:

THE SUN

Bright.

THE BLUE SKY

The sun in the middle. White fluffy clouds pass the sun.

EXT. WOODS-DAY

A SUV drives through the woods.

INT. SUV-DAY

Four girls sit in the SUV.

LINDA drives, AMY is next to her.

MARY and SANDY are in the back.

MARY:Thereís a five!

SANDY:Where?

MARY:On that sign!

LINDA:Amy?

AMY:What?

LINDA:Will you drive the car?

AMY:I drove most of the way back from Florida!

LINDA:Sandy?

SANDY:Iíll do it, when we get back on the road.

MARY:Look for a seven.

EXT. BY A HILL-DAY

At the bottom of a hill, an OLD MAN walks his dog, WALDO.

OLD MAN:Go get the stick, Waldo.

Waldo races off after a stick.

INT. SUV-DAY

Linda looks out the windshield, and gasps.

LINDA:Amy!

AMY:Yes?

LINDA:

We have a situation!

AMY:What is that?

LINDA:The brake wonít work, and look where we are!

Amy looks out the windshield.

AMY:Oh shit!

EXT. WOODS-DAY

The SUV goes off a hill.

EXT. BY THE HILL-DAY

OLD MAN:Do you hear that, Waldo?

The Old Man looks up. The SUV flies off the hill, and heads for the Old Manís head.

OLD MAN:Oh fuck!

The SUV hits the Old Man in the head. The Old Manís head is knocked off, and flies over the car. The rest of his body falls to the ground. The SUV lands on the ground.

INT. SUV-DAY

AMY:Jesus!

LINDA:I think we just hit someone.

AMY:What?

LINDA:We hit someone!

AMY:A person?

LINDA:Yes.

AMY:Youíre fucking kidding?

LINDA:No, Iím not.

AMY:How do you know?

LINDA:The windshield is all smashed.

Amy looks at the windshield.

AMY:Well, that is gross.

Sandy leans into the front.

SANDY:What?

ON THE WINDSHIELD: Part of the Old Manís scalp.

SANDY:Oh fuck!

Linda turns the wipers on. It doesnít do anything.

AMY:Is it coming off?

LINDA:No!

AMY:Try the wiper fluid!

Linda puts on the wiper fluid, then the wipers. Most of the scalp comes off.

LINDA:Some of its still on there!

AMY:Stay right here!

EXT. SUV-DAY

Amy gets out of the SUV, and walks over to the scalp, on the windshield. Amy gets a tissue out of her purse, and wraps it around her finger. Amy flicks of the scalp, with her tissue paper.

AMY:There.

Mary gets out of the SUV.

MARY:Where is the body?

AMY:What body?

MARY:The body of the guy we hit!

AMY:Its around here somewhere.

MARY:Donít you think we should look for it?

Amy knocks on the windshield.

LINDA:What?

AMY:Get your ass out here!

Linda turns back to Sandy.

LINDA:Come on!

Linda and Sandy get out of the SUV.

AMY:We have to look for the body.

LINDA:Where is it?

AMY:I dunno, thatís why we are looking for it.

SANDY:Maybe its under the car.

All the girls look under the SUV.

MARY:Doesnít anybody see it?

SANDY:I donít.

AMY:Maybe it was thrown.

LINDA:Yeah.

They get up, and look for the body. Waldo runs pass them, and jumps in a pile of leaves.

LINDA:Here boy!

Amy walks over to the pile of leaves. Mary walks behind her. The body of the Old Man is in the leaves. Waldo licks his dead hand.

MARY:Oh look, its the body!

Amy calmly asks:

AMY:Where is his head?

MARY:He doesnít have one.

AMY:Do you see one?

Pause.

AMY:Mary?

MARY:No. Sorry about that, I was distracted by the dog.

AMY:Thatís okay, we just have to find his head.

MARY:Iím sure, its here somewhere.

AMY:Hey Sandy!

SANDY:Yeah.

AMY:Do you see a head anywhere?

SANDY:No.

AMY:Will you help us look for one?

SANDY:Okay.

AMY:Linda, a head.

LINDA:Why do I always have to look for the head?

SANDY:Donít you think it will be hard to find a head in this large area?

AMY:No. Its a head. How hard is that?

SANDY:Well, its not all together.

AMY:How do you know that?

SANDY:Well, you saw his scalp.

AMY:Yeah, but that is only a small part of his head.

SANDY:Why donít the four of us split up.

AMY:Okay, everyone split up!

The four girls split up, looking for the head. We follow Mary.

MARY:Here head!

Mary stops. She sees the Old Manís head.

MARY:I think I found something!

AMY:Really?

MARY:Yeah.

AMY:Iíll be right over.

Mary grabs the Old Manís head by his bottom teeth. She picks it up. Amy comes over.

MARY:Is this him?

AMY:I think his head is the only head here.

MARY:Its looking at me.

AMY:What?

MARY:That cold dead stare. With its creepy eyes.

AMY:If theyíre creepy, you can shut them, or poke them out.

MARY:I think Iíll poke them out.

AMY:Iíll get a stick.

Sandy comes over.

SANDY:You found the head? Cool, let me see!

Mary hands Sandy the head.

SANDY:Yeah, thatís a head. A human fucking head!

Sandy drops the head, and runs off crying.

MARY:She dropped the head.

AMY:Canít hurt it any.

MARY:I think you should get check Sandy out.

Amy walks over to the SUV. Sandy leans on the door. Linda pats her head.

AMY:What the fuck is wrong with her?

LINDA:She saw a dead body.

AMY:She didnít kill him, you did.

Mary walks over, holding the head.

MARY:What are we going to do with the body?

AMY:Dump it.

MARY:What?

SANDY:We canít.

AMY:Take his body over to the lake.

SANDY:No!

MARY:This man is dead!

AMY:I know that.

MARY:Well, have some respect!

AMY:I didnít have any respect for him, when he was alive. Why should I have any now?

MARY:We have to give him a proper burial!

AMY:Like dig a hole for him?

SANDY:We have to call the cops.

AMY:What?

SANDY:We have to tell the cops!

AMY:No!

SANDY:Why not?

AMY:We killed someone.

MARY:Linda killed someone.

LINDA:What?

AMY:Iím sure they would charge us with something.

MARY:I dunno.

SANDY:Call the cops!

AMY:We canít.

SANDY:Weíll tell them, its not our fault.

AMY:You now the cops. Those dirty fat doughnut eaters. Theyíre all crooked.

MARY:We should call the cops.

LINDA:Its not your ass on the line!

AMY:So two of us want to call the cops, two of us donít?

MARY:Right.

AMY:Iíll call Dante.

LINDA:And bring another person in this?

AMY:Its Dante!

LINDA:Can you trust him?

AMY:What, you think heíll turn us in?

LINDA:He might.

AMY:He wonít. Its Dante!

LINDA:Fine, call him.

Amy takes out her cell phone, and dials Dante.

AMY:Dante!

VOICE FROM PHONE:Yeah?

AMY:Honey, you have to come here!

VOICE FROM PHONE:Babe, the second half of Perfect Strangers is about to start!

AMY:This is more important then some fucking sitcom from the eighties!

VOICE FROM PHONE: Iíll miss Balkiís antics!

AMY:You have a VCR!

VOICE FROM PHONE:Watching the tape, its not the same!

AMY:I really need you! We are in some serious fucking trouble!

VOICE FROM PHONE:Fine! Iíll watching the tape, even though its not the same thing!

AMY:Good.

VOICE FROM PHONE:So where are you?

AMY:The woods.

VOICE FROM PHONE:What?

AMY:The woods.

VOICE FROM PHONE:Its muddy there! I just got my car cleaned!

AMY:Donít whine.

VOICE FROM PHONE:What the fuck, how can it get worse?

INT. WOODS-LATER

DANTE holds the Old Manís head in his hands.

DANTE:It got fucking worse!

AMY:I told you.

DANTE:How did it get like this?

AMY:It fell off his neck.

DANTE:Heads just donít fall off!

AMY:They did in this case.

DANTE:How the fuck did you let this happen?

AMY:Linda did it.

LINDA:Bitch!

AMY:So, we need to know what to do with him.

DANTE:This was once a guy?

AMY:Donít be a smart ass, we need to know what to do with the body?

DANTE:What the hell is wrong with Sandy?

Sandy is crying, by the SUV.

AMY:Sandy!

SANDY:What?

AMY:Go lie down.

SANDY:Okay.

Sandy opens the SUV. See crawls into the backseat. Amy turns back to Dante.

AMY:Is that better?

DANTE:Yes, now what do you want?

AMY:What do we do with the body?

DANTE:Dump it.

AMY:I knew it.

DANTE:But we need a bag.

AMY:What kind of bag?

DANTE:A regular garbage bag.

AMY:I might have that, let me go look.

DANTE:Let me go help you.

Dante puts the head on the hood, and goes with Amy. The head rolls off the hood, and on the ground. Waldo picks the head up, with his teeth, by its nose. Waldo runs off. Linda walks over.

LINDA:Hey doggy?

Linda goes looking for the dog. Amy and Dante walk to the front of the car, with garbage bags in hand.

DANTE:Where is the head?

AMY:What?

DANTE:I left it right here.

Mary walks up.

MARY:Hey.

AMY:Mary, have you seen the head?

MARY:No.

DANTE:I left the head right here, now its not there.

MARY:I didnít take it.

DANTE:Heads donít disappear.

MARY:I sure it will turn up.

LINDA (O.S.):Guys!

Dante, Amy, and Mary turn around. Linda is trying to get the head, from Waldo.

LINDA:Could you help me?

AMY:See, the dog has the head! There is nothing to worry about.

Dante takes out his gun.

DANTE:That fucking dog!

AMY:Where did you get that gun?

DANTE:When you said you were in trouble, I brought it over.

AMY:Put it away!

DANTE:Canít do that!

Dante walks over to Waldo. Dante points the gun at him.

DANTE:Give me the fucking head!

Waldo barks.

DANTE:Iíll shoot you!

AMY:Donít do it, Dante!

DANTE:Iíll blow your fucking head off, dog!

The Dog drops the head.

DANTE:Wise choice.

Dante goes to pick up the head, Waldo bites his hand.

DANTE:Fuck!

Dante points his gun at the dog. Waldo looks at Dante, Dante looks at Waldo.

DANTE:Go............now!

Waldo runs off. Dante grabs the head and throws it to Amy.

DANTE:Heads up!

He laughs.

DANTE:Iím so funny! Now put the head, in the bag.

Amy puts the head in the bag.

MARY:How are we going to fit his body in the garbage bag?

DANTE:Does anyone have a knife?

AMY:No.

DANTE:Well then.

EXT. WOODS-DAY

Dante throws the headless Old Man body, at a tree. Linda walks up.

LINDA:Dante?

DANTE:Yeah.

LINDA:What are you doing?

DANTE:Well, Iím hoping that one of the limbs will fall off.

LINDA:Oh.

Dante looks at the body. Nothing has fallen off.

DANTE:Damn you!

Dante starts to kick the corpse, in the ribs.

INT. SUV-DAY

Mary gets into the front seat. She closes the door. Sandy lies down, in the back seat.

MARY:Sandy, are you okay?

SANDY:This isnít right.

MARY:I know, but I guess there isnít a choice.

Amy opens the door. She looks at Sandy.

AMY:Sandy?

SANDY:What?

AMY:Youíre getting tears all over the place

SANDY:Sorry.

EXT. SUV-DAY

Amy walks over to Dante. He holds two garbage bags.

AMY:Ready?

DANTE:I think I should just dump the bodies.

AMY:Why?

DANTE:Well, I think you should go take Sandy back.

AMY:You think sheís that bad?

DANTE:Yeah.

AMY:Should I get her some Prozac?

DANTE:Prozac is just for people who have no luck killing themselves.

AMY:Okay, well Iíll see you in a few hours.

DANTE:Okay.

AMY:Iíll make lasagna.

DANTE:Good.

AMY:I love you.

DANTE:I love you too.

They kiss. Dante puts the bags in his trunk.

AMY:Everybody in!

Linda walks up to the driverís door.

AMY:Iím driving.

INT. SUV-DAY

Amy and Linda sit in the front seats. Mary and Sandy in the back. Amy tries to turn on the car.

AMY:Its dead.

LINDA:Donít even tell me.

AMY:Iím kidding.

EXT. SUV-DAY

The SUV rides into the sunset.

INT. TENT-NIGHT

A MAN and a WOMAN make out in the tent. The Man takes off his shirt, he then kisses the Womanís neck.

MAN:Honey?

WOMAN:Yes?

MAN:Your necklace is stuck in my teeth.

WOMAN:Again?

MAN:Yeah.

WOMAN:Well, get it out!

MAN:You should really take it out when we do this.

The Man gets the necklace out, and continues to suck on the Womanís neck.

WOMAN:Stop!

MAN:What?

WOMAN:Did you hear that?

MAN:Hear what?

WOMAN:Someone is outside.

EXT. TENT-NIGHT

The tent is right by the lake. Dante stands in front of the lake, and empties the garbage bags into it. The Man and the Woman get out of the tent, and see Dante.

MAN:Hey mister, can we help you.

Dante talks, without turning around.

DANTE:Nope.

A leg falls out of the garbage bag, into the lake.

WOMAN:Oh my god!

MAN:Those heavy duty bags?

Dante turns around. He takes out his gun, and shoots the Woman, in the stomach. The Woman falls back, on the tent.

MAN:Honey?

The Man takes off, running up a hill. Dante follows him.

MAN:Help me!

The Man runs into a store.

INT. STORE-NIGHT

MAC, an old man, is behind the counter. A CUSTOMER walks up to Mac.

CUSTOMER:Sir?

MAC:Yeah?

CUSTOMER:Do you have a bathroom?

MAC:No.

CUSTOMER:Please, you gotta.

MAC:You have to buy something first.

CUSTOMER:Oh, Iíll take a magazine.

MAC:What one?

CUSTOMER:Entertainment Weekly.

Mac hands the Customer the magazine.

MAC:Three dollars.

CUSTOMER:I can get it for a quarter cheaper at CVS.

MAC:Iím saving so my son doesnít put me in a home, now give me the damn money.

CUSTOMER:Iím only doing this cause I have to use your bathroom!

MAC:Yeah, whatever.

The Customer gives him the money. Mac gives the Customer the bathroom key.

MAC:Its in back.

The Customer walks toward the bathroom.

MAC:Donít make a mess in there! I could see you, ya know? I got security cameras back there and everything!

The Man runs in.

MAN:Help me!

Mac looks at him.

MAC:Get out of here!

MAN:Why?

MAC:No shirt, no service!

MAN:Please Mac, there is a guy after me!

MAC:After you?

MAN:Yeah, he has a gun. He shot Jane!

MAC:Donít worry, Mac is here.

Mac gets a shotgun, from under the counter.

MAC:No one will hurt you now!

Dante comes in the store.

MAN:Thatís him!

Mac points his shotgun at Dante.

INT. BATHROOM-NIGHT

The Customer runs the water in the sink. He puts one wrist over the sink, and takes out a knife.

INT. STORE-NIGHT

Mac has his gun on Dante.

MAC:Donít move, or Iíll blow you to bits!

DANTE:Hey, calm down!

MAC:Put down your gun!

DANTE:Okay.

Dante puts down his gun.

MAC:Pete?

MAN:Yeah?

MAC:Call the police!

MAN:Where is the phone?

MAC:Over here.

The Man jumps over the counter, and grabs the phone.

MAN:Got it.

Dante grabs his gun.

MAC:Hey, what are you doing?

Dante shoots Mac in the head. Macís brains splatter on the Man.

INT. BATHROOM-NIGHT

The Customer hears the noise, and opens the bathroom door. He sees the carnage, and closes the door. The Customer slashes his wrists.

INT. STORE-NIGHT

Dante points his gun at the Man.

MAN:Donít shoot me!

DANTE:Iíll think about it.

The Man drops to the floor.

DANTE:Where did you go?

The Man comes back up with Macís shotgun.

MAN:Okay, now donít move!

DANTE:Do you even know how to use that?

MAN:No.

DANTE:Okay.

Dante shoots the Man in the knee. The Man drops the shotgun, and grabs his knee.

MAN:Fuck, man! Couldnít you just shoot me in the head?

Dante jumps over the counter. He points his gun at the Manís head.

MAN:Hey, I was just kidding.

DANTE:Iím sorry, I have to.

MAN:Well, if youíre sorry.

Dante pulls the trigger. The Manís head is blown off. He then gets some paper towel, picks up the shot gun, and shoots the Manís corpse in the wounded knee. He then places the shotgun in Macís hands, and leaves.

INT. SUV-NIGHT

Amy stops the SUV.

AMY:Sandy, weíre here!

Amy turns to Linda.

AMY:Iím going to take her in.

INT. SANDYíS HOUSE-NIGHT

Amy takes Sandy in.

AMY:Here you are.

Sandy sits on the couch.

AMY:Iím going to go now, Iíll check in on you in the morning.

SANDY:We have to call the cops.

AMY:We canít, its too late.

SANDY:Its not too late, everything will be fine.

AMY:Okay, weíll call the cops in the morning. Just go to bed.

INT. MARYíS BEDROOM-NIGHT

Mary walks into her room. JESUS CHRIST appears on her bed.

JESUS:Hello Mary.

MARY:Hi Jesus.

JESUS:How was Florida?

MARY:Good.

JESUS:Is something wrong?

MARY:Yes.

JESUS:Well sit down. Tell me about it.

MARY:Okay.

Mary sits on the bed, next to Jesus.

MARY:Something happened in the woods today.

JESUS:What did?

MARY:We hit a man with a car.

JESUS:Is he all right?

MARY:Heís dead, Jesus.

JESUS:Dead?

MARY:It was an accident.

JESUS:Well, how did it happen?

MARY:Linda lost control of the car. It went over a hill. We never knew the man was there.

JESUS:You bitch!

MARY:What?

JESUS:That poor man!

MARY:I thought you would understand!

JESUS:Understand what, that youíre a murderer?

MARY:I told you, Linda killed him!

JESUS:Iím Jesus! I canít live like this!

MARY:Live like what?

JESUS:Live with a killer!

MARY:I didnít kill him!

JESUS:Thou shall not kill, Mary! Thou shall not kill!

MARY:I didnít mean to hurt anyone! Donít be such a bastard!

JESUS:How can you call me a bastard, youíre a bitch!

MARY:Just leave! Leave here!

JESUS:Fine!

Jesus leaves. Mary starts to cry.

MARY:Yeah, you leave! And who do you think youíre fooling? Everyone knows that Elvis is the true son of God!

INT. LINDAíS HOUSE-NIGHT

Linda walks in her house. Her brother, LANCE, greets her.

LANCE:Hello sister.

LINDA:Hello.

LANCE:Is something wrong?

LINDA:Yeah.

LANCE:Lance will make it all better.

Lance kisses her eye.

LANCE:Wanna fuck?

LINDA:Okay.

They take off each other clothes.

INT. SANDYíS LIVING ROOM-NIGHT

Sandy is watching TV.

TV:Iíll take Jennifer Love Hewitt for the block!

Sandy throws down the remote.

INT. PIZZA SHOP-NIGHT

Two guys LARRY and BOSKO sit in a booth. Larry has a candy cane hanging from his lips. A large pie is in front of him.

LARRY:Now, I like the dough.

Bosko nods.

LARRY:I could whip it around.

Dante enters. He sees Larry.

DANTE:Hey Larry. Thought Iíd find you here.

Larry looks over.

LARRY:Hey Dante, sit down.

Dante sits in the booth.

LARRY:Want a pie?

DANTE:A pie?

LARRY:Yeah, I got a coupon. Buy one, get one free.

DANTE:No thanks. Amy is making lasagna.

LARRY:You sure, the coupon is only good for so long?

DANTE:No thanks, got to save room for that lasagna.

LARRY:You have the life.

Dante looks over at Bosko.

DANTE:Who is this?

LARRY:That is Bosko.

DANTE:Oh, hi Bosko.

Bosko says nothing.

LARRY:Bosko donít be an ignorant bitch, say hi.

BOSKO:Hi.

DANTE:Hi.

Dante looks over at Larry.

DANTE:Why do you have a candy cane? Christmas was half a year ago.

LARRY:Candy canes are good all the time.

DANTE:I guess.

LARRY:Remember the store Santa, we had in the mall?

DANTE:Yeah, shame about what happened.

LARRY:Yeah.

BOSKO:What happened?

LARRY:He got stabbed in the head.

BOSKO:Oh. That musta hurt.

LARRY:They said he died instantly.

BOSKO:Oh well, its not really that bad.

LARRY:Thatís what I read, in the local paper.

BOSKO:I donít know how far their story goes.

LARRY:Did I ever tell you that I fucked the editor?

BOSKO:Was it a chick?

LARRY:Of course.

DANTE:So what about him?

LARRY:Who?

DANTE:The Santa.

LARRY:Oh. He had a box of candy canes. I guess for the whole time he was there. After he died, they gave them to me.

DANTE:Cool.BOSKO:You never told me that.

LARRY:Really?

BOSKO:Really.

LARRY:Thought I did.

BOSKO:You should just tell me these things.

DANTE:So, what are you guys going to do tonight?

LARRY:Try and pick a few chicks.

DANTE:Cool.

LARRY:Danteís got this chick, Amy. She is hot.

BOSKO:Cool.

The WAITRESS walks up.

WAITRESS:Can I get you guys anything?

LARRY:Yes, you can.

WAITRESS:What?

LARRY:I donít know.

Dante looks at his watch.

DANTE:Guys, I got to go.

LARRY: Weíll see you later.

DANTE:Okay. Nice meeting you Bosko.

BOSKO:Yep.

Dante walks away. Bosko takes out a candy bar.

LARRY:What are you doing?

BOSKO:What, Iím having a candy bar. Want some?

LARRY:You canít do that!

Bosko takes a bite.

BOSKO:Sure I can.

LARRY:Youíre bringing in outside food!

BOSKO:So?

LARRY:Give me it!

BOSKO:No.

LARRY:I am not fucking around, give me the candy bar!

EXT. PIZZA SHOP-NIGHT

Dante walks out of the pizza shop. A BUM comes up to him.

BUM:Hey buddy, got a dollar?

DANTE:Get away from me!

BUM:Hey buddy?

DANTE:What?

BUM:Give me a dollar!

DANTE:No.

BUM:Come on, Iíve been through hell!

DANTE:No you havenít!

BUM:I suffered. Iím talking about real pain!

DANTE:Iíve been through more pain them you.

BUM:You donít what pain is! Ever get your leg caught in a bear trap, then have to chew through it? Then realize that the leg isnít yours?

DANTE:No.

BUM:Watch this!

The Bum runs over to a garbage can. He starts to bang on the lid. Dante walks away.

BUM:Hey wait!

The Bum jumps on the garbage can, and starts to dance.

BUM:Isnít this worth a dollar, buddy?

Dante takes out his gun, and points it at the Bum.

BUM:Hey buddy, is that a real gun?

Dante fires into the garbage can. The Bum falls off the can, onto the ground. Dante walks away.

EXT. AMYíS HOUSE-NIGHT

Dante knocks on the door. Amy opens it.

AMY:Did you dump the body?

DANTE:Yeah.

AMY:Good, the lasagna is ready.

INT. SANDYíS BEDROOM-NIGHT

Sandy picks up her phone. She dials a number.

SANDY:Hi, Linda?

INT. LINDAíS BEDROOM-NIGHT

Linda lies in bed, with the phone to her ear. Lance sleeps next to her.

LINDA:Yeah.

SANDY (O.S.):Its Sandy, Iím going to call the cops.

Linda sits up.

LINDA:Why?

SANDY (O.S.):I have to.

LINDA:What about everyone else, what about me?

SANDY (O.S.):Theyíll understand.

LINDA:No, they wonít.

SANDY (O.S.):Weíll make them.

LINDA:Okay Sandy. Just call them in the morning, Iíll help you.

SANDY (O.S.):Maybe.

Sandy hangs up. Linda thinks for a second, then calls Amy.

INT. AMYíS HOUSE-NIGHT

Amy and Dante eat lasagna. The phone rings. Amy picks up the phone.

AMY:Hello?

LINDA (O.S.):Amy, its Linda. Sandy called, she is going to call the police.

AMY:When?

LINDA (O.S.):Now. You have to go over there.

AMY:Donít worry. Iíll call you later.

Amy hangs up the phone.

AMY:Dante!

DANTE:Yeah?

AMY:We have to go visit Sandy.

INT. LINDAíS BEDROOM-NIGHT

Linda lies in her bed. She thinks back.

INT. AMYíS BEDROOM-NIGHT

Amy (AGE 12) and Linda (AGE 12) are having a sleep over. They are sitting on Amyís bed.

AMY (AGE 12):You fucked your brother?

LINDA (AGE 12):Yes.

AMY (AGE 12):How did that happen?

INT. ALLEY-NIGHT

A HOOKER gets out of her car. The MAN comes up to the Hookerís car. He sees a Jesus Fish on it.

MAN:Oh, a Jesus Fish. This yours?

HOOKER:Yeah.

He rips the Jesus Fish off. Jesus Christ walks out of the shadows.

MAN:We donít go for your hooker scum here!

JESUS:Leave that Jesus Fish alone!

MAN:Who the fuck are you?

JESUS:Iím Jesus.

MAN:Oh yeah?

JESUS:Yeah.

The Man takes out a knife.

MAN:Iíll cut you up!

JESUS:Come on!

Jesus and the Man fight. The Man drops the knife. He tries to hit Jesus with the Jesus Fish. Jesus punches the man out. The Hooker walks up to Jesus.

HOOKER:Thank you, sir.

JESUS:Sure.

HOOKER:Looking for a good time?

JESUS:Who isnít?

INT. SANDYíS BATHROOM-NIGHT

Sandy lies in the tub, having a bubble bath. The doorbell rings.

SANDY:Just a minute.

Sandy gets out of the tub, and puts on a robe.

INT. SANDYíS HOUSE-NIGHT

Sandy opens the front door. She sees Amy and Dante.

AMY:Hi Sandy.

SANDY:Hi Amy, hi Dante.

DANTE:Hi.

SANDY:Come on, you want some coffee?

AMY:Sure.

INT. KITCHEN-NIGHT

They all walk into the kitchen.

AMY:So we heard you were going to call the cops.

SANDY:Yeah.

DANTE:Now, why would you do that?

SANDY:We have to let them know.

AMY:What about Linda, she killed the man.

DANTE:And I got rid off the body.

AMY:If they find out, we tried to cover it up.

DANTE:We will all go to prison.

Sandy looks at a knife, in the sink.

SANDY:Will someone get the milk out?

AMY:I will.

Sandy goes over to the sink.

SANDY:Anyone, want some pie?

AMY:No thanks.

DANTE:Donít like pie.

Sandy grabs the knife out of the sink.

SANDY:Okay.

She slices Danteís stomach.

DANTE:Look at that.

He grabs his stomach. Sandy looks at Amy.

DANTE:Do something!

Amy looks at the carton of milk, in her hand. She dumps it over Sandy. Sandy runs off.

DANTE:What the fuck was that?

AMY:I dunno. You told me to do something.

DANTE:Go after her!

Amy runs after Sandy.

AMY:Oh, you are so dead.

INT. SANDYíS BATHROOM-NIGHT

Sandy runs into the bathroom. Amy runs after her.

SANDY:Amy, please donít do this.

AMY:You were going to call the cops, werenít you?

SANDY:Amy, weíre friends!

AMY:No weíre not.

Dante runs in, and shoots Sandy three times. Sandy falls in her tub.

DANTE:Think anyone heard the gunshots?

AMY:No.

Dante looks at the tub. Sandy moves around.

DANTE:Sheís still alive! Kill her!

AMY:Okay, hold on.

Amy goes over to the tub. Amy grabs Sandyís head.

SANDY:Amy?

AMY:What Sandy?

SANDY:Donít do this, please.

Amy looks at Dante.

DANTE:What are you waiting for, kill her.

Amy holds Sandyís head, under the water. After a while, Sandy stops moving.

AMY:Okay, sheís dead.

DANTE:She cut me pretty bad.

AMY:I bet she has some Band-Aids.

INT. HOOKERíS APARTMENT-NIGHT

The Hooker takes Jesus into her apartment.

HOOKER:Sit down somewhere.

JESUS:Okay.

Jesus sits down on the couch. He looks around.

JESUS:Nice place.

HOOKER:Thanks.

JESUS:So, how much?

HOOKER:For me?

JESUS:Yep.

HOOKER:Have you ever done this before?

JESUS:No.

HOOKER:Donít worry, it will be okay.

JESUS:So, back to the price.

Jesus takes out his wallet.

HOOKER:How much do you have?

JESUS:Whatever.

HOOKER:Well, Iíll tell you when weíre done.

JESUS:Okay.

The Hooker pours two glasses of wine.

HOOKER:Want some wine?

JESUS:Okay.

The Hooker sits down, next to Jesus. She hands one glass to Jesus.

JESUS:Thanks.

Jesus takes a sip.

JESUS:This is good.

HOOKER:Yeah.

Jesus puts his glass down, on a coffee table. So does the Hooker.

JESUS:Yes, good wine. Wine with the Hooker. Can I call you Hooker?

HOOKER:You can call me whatever you want.

JESUS:Thatís nice to know.

The Hooker jumps on top of Jesus. She kisses him.

HOOKER:You ready?

JESUS:I guess so.

The Hooker takes off her shirt, she wears a black bra underneath.

JESUS:Those are nice.

HOOKER:Arenít they?

JESUS:Uh........they real?

The Hooker buries Jesusí head, between her breasts.

JESUS:You look just like my mother.

HOOKER:Lick them.

JESUS:What?

HOOKER:Lick my breasts.

JESUS:Okay.

HOOKER:Are you licking?

JESUS:Yes.

HOOKER:Youíre not licking!

JESUS:Just give me a minute.

HOOKER:Want to go to the bedroom?

JESUS:Okay.

INT. HOOKERíS BEDROOM-NIGHT

The Hooker leads Jesus into the bedroom.

JESUS:So, how do we do this?

HOOKER:Just sit on the bed.

JESUS:Okay.

Jesus sits on the bed.

JESUS:Oh, is this water bed?

The Hooker takes off her bra.

HOOKER:Like them?

JESUS:They are even nicer, then before.

The Hooker jumps on Jesus.

EXT. ROAD-NIGHT

Dante and Amy walk home.

DANTE:Are you mad at me?

AMY:Mad at what?

DANTE:Mad at me. For the whole killing thing?

AMY:No, it had to done.

DANTE:Iím glad you see it that way.

INT. MARYíS BEDROOM-NIGHT

Mary picks up the phone. She thinks back.

INT. AMYíS BEDROOM-NIGHT

Amy and Mary are watching a movie.

MARY:There is someone I want you to meet.

INT. MARYíS LIVING ROOM-NIGHT

Mary brings Amy into the living room. Jesus sits on the couch.

MARY:Amy, this is Jesus.

JESUS:Hello.

AMY:Jesus!

JESUS:Yes?

AMY:Is it really you?

JESUS:It is.

AMY:Iím a big fan of your work.

JESUS:Thank you.

Mary sits down.

MARY:Sit down.

Amy joins her.

JESUS:So, have you any questions?

AMY:Maybe.

JESUS:Then ask them.

AMY:Okay, is it really wrong to kill people?

JESUS:Most of the time.

AMY:Ok.

JESUS:Any other questions?

AMY:Is there a heaven?

JESUS:Yes.

AMY:What is it like?

JESUS:Its the coolest.

AMY:Cool.

INT. MARYíS BEDROOM-NIGHT

Mary holds the phone to her ear. Its busy.

INT. HOOKERíS BEDROOM-NIGHT

Jesus and the Hooker are having sex. Jesus stops.

HOOKER:What is it?

JESUS:Fuck!

Jesus rolls off her.

HOOKER:What is it?

JESUS:Why am I fucking a hooker?

HOOKER:I dunno, why are you?

JESUS:Iím Jesus, son of God, I should get all of the chicks! Jesus shouldnít have to go to a hooker.

HOOKER:You donít want me?

JESUS:Its not that.

HOOKER:Then what is it?

JESUS:Its, just who you are.

HOOKER:A hooker?

JESUS:Yes.

HOOKER:And if I wasnít a hooker?

JESUS:I would have no problem fucking you.

HOOKER:I donít think thatís it.

JESUS:Than what is it?

HOOKER:Thereís someone else.

JESUS:No.

HOOKER:Yes, there is.

JESUS:If there was, Iíd tell you.

HOOKER:No, you wouldnít.

JESUS:Where are my clothes?

HOOKER:Youíre leaving?

JESUS:Yes.

HOOKER:Why?

JESUS:There is something I have to do.

HOOKER:Youíre going to see that other girl?

JESUS:There is no fucking girl! Now how much do I owe you?

HOOKER:No, forget about it.

JESUS:Iím going to pay you.

HOOKER:You saved my life, thatís enough.

JESUS:You saved mine.

EXT. MARYíS HOUSE-NIGHT

Jesus walks up to Maryís house. He knocks on the door. Mary opens the door.

JESUS:Hi.

MARY:Oh, its you.

JESUS:Yeah.

Mary slams the door in his face.

JESUS:Mary, come on!

MARY (O.S.):Go away!

JESUS:Donít be like this!

MARY (O.S.):I never want to see you again!

JESUS:Donít say that!

MARY (O.S.):I donít!

JESUS:Just open the door!

MARY (O.S.):No!

JESUS:Please?

MARY (O.S.):Go away!

Bolts come out of Jesusí hands. They knock the door open.

MARY:Why did you do that?

JESUS:Mary, I have to talk to you.

MARY:Well, I donít want to talk to you.

JESUS:Please, Mary?

MARY:Five minutes!

JESUS:Okay.

Jesus sits on the couch.

JESUS:Iím sorry.

MARY:For what?

JESUS:For calling you a bitch.

MARY:You should be sorry.

JESUS:Mary, you are my life.

MARY:Really?

Jesus gets up, and hugs her.

JESUS:I love you.

He kisses her.

INT. LINDAíS BEDROOM-NIGHT

Linda sleeps in her bed, Lance is next to her. Linda wakes up. She cracks her neck, then picks up the phone. She dials the number. It rings. An answering machine comes on. Sandyís voice.

SANDYíS MACHINE:This is Sandy, canít come to the phone right now. Please leave a message!

Linda hangs up the phone. She taps Lance on the arm.

LINDA:Lance?

Lance wakes up.

LANCE:What?

LINDA:We have to go see Sandy.

LANCE:Fuck. Hold on.

Lance gets out of bed. He walks halfway across the room, and stops.

LANCE:Which one is Sandy?

LINDA:She has blonde hair.

LANCE:Okay.

Lance walks into the bathroom.

INT. LINDAíS BATHROOM-DAY

Linda is taking a shower. Lance is brushing his teeth.

LINDA:She knew I was going to call, so its weird.

LANCE:Maybe sheís still sleeping.

LINDA:Sandy is a light sleeper.

LANCE:Okay.

Linda gets out of the shower. She grabs a towel, and dries herself.

LANCE:I hate to go over there for nothing.

LINDA:Fine, Iíll just go without you.

LANCE:No, Iíll come.

Linda starts to brush her hair.

LINDA:Then stop bitching!

EXT. SANDYíS HOUSE-DAY

Linda knocks on the door.

LINDA:Sandy?

LANCE:Iím going to ring the doorbell.

LINDA:Ok.

Lance rings the doorbell.

LANCE:Okay, sheís not coming.

Linda digs in her purse.

LANCE:What are you looking for?

LINDA:A key.

Linda removes the key, from her purse.

INT. SANDYíS HOUSE-DAY

Linda and Lance step in.

LINDA:Sandy?

LANCE:Lets look around.

INT. SANDYíS KITCHEN-DAY

Linda and Lance enter.

LINDA:Sheís not in here.

Lance grabs a bag, off the counter.

LINDA:What are you doing?

LANCE:I didnít have breakfast!

LINDA:I donít care, put it back!

INT. SANDYíS BATHROOM-DAY

Linda walks in the bathroom. She sees Sandy, in the tub.

LINDA:Oh fuck!

Linda walks over to Sandy. She gets a closer look, at the bloated body.

LINDA:Oh Sandy!

Linda sits on the toilet.

LINDA:Lance!

Lance walks in, a doughnut in his mouth.

LANCE:Yeah?

Lance sees Sandy.

LANCE:Oh shit!

As he talks, powdered sugar flies from his mouth.

LANCE:Who did this?

LINDA:Amy.

LANCE:Why would she?

LINDA:Its a long story.

Amy walks in.

AMY:Tell us about it.

Linda turns to Amy.

LINDA:You killed her, you bitch!

Dante walks in, holding his gun.

DANTE:Hi, hi, hi there!

Linda runs at Amy. Dante sticks his gun, at Linda.

DANTE:Donít fucking move!

AMY:Now, we want you to do something.

LINDA:What?

DANTE:You and Lance, are going to go down the basement.

INT. BASEMENT-DAY

Amy has the gun on Linda and Lance.

AMY:You two, down the steps.

Lance and Linda walk down the stairs.

AMY:I had to kill Sandy, cause she was going to call the cops. Donít make me kill you.

Dante comes down, with two chairs.

AMY:Lance and Linda, in the chairs!

Linda and Lance, get in the chairs.

AMY:The rope?

Dante gets some rope, from his pocket. He ties up Lance, then Linda.

AMY:Okay, then.

DANTE:Iím going to get the body.

INT. SANDYíS BATHROOM-DAY

Dante gets the body, out of the tub.

INT. BASEMENT-DAY

Dante throws the body, down the steps.

AMY:You almost hit me!

Dante comes down the steps.

DANTE:Sorry.

He and Amy grab two shovels.

DANTE:Lets dig.

The doorbell rings.

DANTE:Should I get it?

AMY:Yeah.

INT. LIVING ROOM-DAY

Dante opens the door. A GIRL SCOUT stands in front of him. She holds a box of cookies.

DANTE:What?

GIRL SCOUT:Hi, would you like to buy some cookies?

DANTE:No.

GIRL SCOUT:Please!

DANTE:Get away from here!

GIRL SCOUT:I promised my dying mother I would sell these cookies!

Amy walks up to Dante.

AMY:What is this?

DANTE:Why are you here? You let them alone?

AMY:Donít worry.

GIRL SCOUT:Please lady, buy some cookies!

Amy looks at the cookies.

AMY:Girl scout cookies, come on in.

INT. KITCHEN-DAY

Dante, Amy, and the Girl Scout are in the kitchen.

AMY:Now, do you have any of those Grasshoppers?

GIRL SCOUT:Yeah.

LINDA (V.O.):Help me!

GIRL SCOUT:What was that?

AMY:Nothing.

GIRL SCOUT:Okay.

The Girl Scout takes off her mask, its a MIDGET. The Midget takes out a gun, from the box of cookies. She points it at Dante and Amy.

DANTE:Youíre a midget?

MIDGET:Yeah.

DANTE:Youíre a good actor!

MIDGET:Ever see Twin Peaks?

DANTE:Yeah.

MIDGET:I was up for the role of the backwards talking little fella.

DANTE:Neat.

MIDGET:Now where is the money?

AMY:What money?

MIDGET:Come on Sandy, I know youíre good for it!

AMY:Iím Amy!

MIDGET:The midget wants her money!

Dante grabs the Midget, and throws her into the wall.

INT. BASEMENT-DAY

Dante throws the Midgetís body, on top of Sandyís.

LANCE:Look, its a dead midget!

INT. BASEMENT-DAY

Dante crawls out of the hole he dug, and falls on the floor. He points to Lance.

DANTE:You!

LANCE:Yeah?

DANTE:You dig.

LANCE:Okay.

Dante crawls over to Lance, and unties him.

DANTE:Now dig!

Dante picks up his gun, Lance gets the shovel.

DANTE:Try anything funny, and I shoot you.

LANCE:Okay.

Lance jumps in the hole.

INT. HOLE-DAY

Lance lands. Amy is in the hole, with him.

AMY:Hi.

LANCE:Hi.

INT. BASEMENT-DAY

Dante leans over the hole.

DANTE:Howís it going, down there?

LANCE (O.S.):Okay.

DANTE:Good.

Linda knocks her chair over, it falls on Dante.

INT. HOLE-DAY

Lance swings the shovel at Amy, who ducks.

AMY:Fuck!

He swings again, and misses.

LANCE:Fuck.

INT. BASEMENT-DAY

Linda and her chair, are on the floor.

LINDA:Lance!

LANCE (O.S.):Yeah?

LINDA:Can you help me?

LANCE (O.S.):Hold on.

INT. HOLE-DAY

Amy hits Lance, with the handle of her shovel, in the stomach.

INT. BASEMENT-DAY

Dante reaches for his gun.

DANTE:Get off, you bitch!

Amy gets out of the hole.

AMY:Dante, you need help?

DANTE:Yeah.

Lance jumps up. He grabs Amy, by the legs.

AMY:Shit!

Lance pulls Amy into the hole.

AMY (O.S.):Help me!

DANTE:Hold on.

Dante knocks the chair, off of his back. He grabs the gun. He gets up.

DANTE:Everyone out of the hole!

Lance throws up the shovel. The handle hits Dante, in the nose.

INT. HOLE-DAY

Lance hits Amy, in the side of the face. Amy falls to the ground.

INT. BASEMENT-DAY

Lance gets out of the hole. Dante shoots Lanceís shoe.

LINDA:Lance? Are you okay?

LANCE:He shot my shoe!

LINDA:The bastard!

LANCE:Do you know how much I paid for this shoes?

LINDA:In all fairness, you got them at a yard sale.

LANCE:He still shot them, and thatís wrong!

DANTE:You hit me with a shovel!

LANCE:I hit you with the handle of a shovel!

DANTE:I think you broke my nose!

LANCE:No I didnít!

DANTE:Fuck you!

LANCE:Fuck you too!

Dante sticks his gun in Lanceís face.

DANTE:Shut up, I have a gun! You canít curse at a guy with a gun!

Lance picks up the shovel.

LANCE:Untie her.

DANTE:Donít point that thing at me!

Lance jams Dante in the stomach, with the shovel. Dante falls to the ground. Lance unties Linda. The two run out of the basement. Amy gets out of the hole.

AMY:Dante?

DANTE:What?

AMY:Did they leave?

DANTE:Yes.

AMY:Go get them.

DANTE:I canít.

AMY:Why not?

DANTE:Iím hurt really bad.

Amy grabs the gun, and runs out of the basement.

EXT. SANDYíS HOUSE-DAY

Linda and Lance run out the door. Amy runs after them.

AMY:Get back here, so I could shoot you!

EXT. MARYíS HOUSE-DAY

Linda and Lance pound on the door.

LINDA:Mary!

INT. MARYíS BEDROOM-DAY

Mary and Jesus lie in bed. Jesus gets up.

JESUS:Shit!

He pulls out a can of whipped cream from his back, he is lying on.

LINDA (O.S.):Mary!

JESUS:Someone is at the door.

MARY:You go get it.

Jesus gets up, and throws on his robe.

EXT. MARYíS HOUSE-DAY

Jesus opens the door.

JESUS:Hello.

LINDA:Jay, we need to come in.

MARY (O.S.):Jesus, who is it?

JESUS:Its Linda and Lance!

MARY (O.S.):Iíll be right down.

JESUS:Come in guys.

INT. MARYíS HOUSE-DAY

Linda and Lance run in the house. Jesus shuts the door.

JESUS:So, whatís up?

Mary comes down in shorts, and Jesusís T-shirt.

MARY:Hi guys.

LINDA:Amy has gone nuts.

MARY:What did she do this time?

LINDA:She killed Sandy, then tried to kill us.

MARY:Jesus.

JESUS:Yeah?

MARY:Call the cops.

JESUS:Okay.

Jesus walks into the other room.

LINDA:Sheís like Freddy!

LANCE:Or Jason!

LINDA:Or the other guy!

LANCE:What other guy?

LINDA:I donít know his name.

LANCE:The guy with all those weird things sticking out of his head?

LINDA:No, the guy with the mask.

LANCE:Myers?

LINDA:Yeah. He was creepy.

MARY:You two are going to stay here, for awhile.

INT. MARYíS LIVING ROOM-NIGHT

Linda, Lance, and Jesus sit on the couch. Mary looks out the window.

MARY:Where are the cops?

JESUS:They should be here.

MARY:Call again.

INT. MARYíS KITCHEN-NIGHT

Jesus walks into the kitchen. A brick comes through the window.

JESUS:Mary honey, is this your brick?

Dante crawls through the window.

DANTE:Hey. Sorry about the window, thought it might be rude to come in the door.

Dante pistol whips Jesus. Amy crawls through the window, behind him. Mary walks in.

MARY:Could you please exit out the window?

Dante grabs the blender, and throws it at Mary.

INT. MARYíS LIVING ROOM-NIGHT

Mary runs into the living room.

MARY:Hey guys, I think we better run out that door.

EXT. MARYíS HOUSE-NIGHT

Mary, Linda, and Lance run outside to Maryís car. A shot is fired. The bullet smashes through a car window. Mary, Linda, and Lance turn around. Dante stands in the doorway, gun in hand.

DANTE:Nobody move!

MARY:Whereís Jesus?

DANTE:Amy is taking care of him.

MARY:I want to see him.

Linda runs to Marryís car. She tries to open the door.

DANTE:Get away from the car. Get back with the rest of them!

Linda moves back to Lance and Mary. Dante holds his gun on Linda. Moves it to Lance. Moves it to Mary.

DANTE:Bang!

He shoots Mary.

LINDA:No!

Mary dies, lying on the street. Lance holds Linda.

LINDA:Oh, Mary!

LANCE:It will be okay.

Jesus appears next to Maryís corpse.

JESUS:Why Dante? Why did you do it? She was your friend. She was Amyís friends. People wonít like it, if you shoot at them. You should be nice to your friends. Treat them with respect. Donít kill them. What kind of friend are you? Mary never hurt anyone. She was the sweetest girl I knew. You had to kill her. The love of my life. You killed Sandy also. She was loved by many. Her parents. Her friends. All of these ugly things. You ran over a man. You should have just gone to the cops. Instead you didnít. Now look at it! People are dead! More bodies! More death! Ugly things. Would you still do it this way? If you could do it over again, would you do the same thing? Maybe you lived, but your friend did not. Your friends are dead. What is life, without friends?

DANTE:Shut your pie hole Jesus!

Dante shoots Jesus. The bullets pass through him.

JESUS:You canít shoot me. Nor should you try.

Electrical bolts come out of Jesusí hands. He zaps Dante. Dante falls to the floor.

JESUS:Now, I must go.

LINDA:Good-bye Jesus.

LINDA:Iím sorry things had to end this way.

JESUS:Oh my child, things are not over.

Jesus goes over to Maryís corpse. Maryís soul comes out of Maryís body.

MARYíS SOUL:Bye my friends!

Jesus and Maryís Soul kiss. They take each others hands, and fly up to heaven.

LINDA:Iím going to miss them.

LANCE:Me too.

LINDA:I guess we should go now.

LANCE:I think thatís a good idea.

Linda and Lance walk away.

LANCE:This, this was a weird day.

Amy runs over to Dante.

AMY:Dante! Are you okay?

She holds Danteís head.

AMY:Its okay baby! Its okay!

INT. LINDAíS BACKYARD-DAY

Subtitles: One month later.

A warm sunny day. Linda and Lance are in their inground pool. They splash water at each other.

LANCE:I love you.

LINDA:I love you.

They smile at each other. A shadow falls over them. They look up and see Dante and Amy.

LINDA:Hi Amy.

LANCE:Hey Dante.

DANTE:Hey.

AMY:Do it Dante.

Dante takes out his gun, and shoots Lance in the chest. Lance falls under the water. His dark red blood enters the clear water. Linda doesnít scream, she just looks at Amy. Tears flow from Lindaís eyes.

DANTE:So sad.

He shoots Linda in the hand. Linda remains quiet, but holds her hand. Dante shoots her in the shoulder.

AMY:Finish her.

LINDA:Donít!

Dante shoots Linda in the head.

AMY:So much for friends.

Her and Dante laugh, then they kiss. We focus on a close up of them kissing.

FADE OUT

THE END

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TO THE MEMORY OF LOBO THE FROG

Survived By Wife And Children

ďWe will always love you.Ē

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~