by JH :)
Deputies Tom and Nick, clown cops of Haddenfield, sat in their squad
moping. They had just got done putting up with Tina and her goofy friends
Tom: Man, I can't believe she schnookered us again!! (BOING!)
Nick: Yeah, scaring the heeby jeebies outta me like that! Every
does the same thing. She starts screaming at a party and pretends Michael
Myers is chasing her! (DOINK!)
Tom: That dumbass Spitz has to help make things worse! I tell
is just no end to the horror. (squeak! QUACK! squeak! QUACK!)
(The car radio sparkles to life)
Radio: Car 54! This is sheriff Meeker! There's a code 666
street. The address is 515. Move in and exterminate with extreme
Nick: Snickers! We got a live one today! (Horse laugh)
Tom: Scheesh! It's christmas eve, and we gotta investigate a breaking
entering call. Meeker must still have a burr up his butt after that stunt
Tina pulled at the policeman's ball!
Nick: Yeah, I can still hear that damn shrill laugh of hers! (mocks
Tee-hee-hee! You know what they can do if they can't take a joke!!
Tee-hee! If I have to hear that little witch again, I'm gonna find Michael
Myers and DEMAND that he kill me! (doodley-doodley-doop!
Tom: Well, let's get this over with.....
(They drive over to the old Myers mansion from H5. They get out
car. A light snow falls, and carollers can be heard in the distance. Broken
glass crunches as Nick combs his hair. Tom slips on ice as they head
towards the Myers front door. The abandoned house looks spooky in the
Nick: Gadzooks! This place gives me the creeps!
Tom: Yeah, just like that barn party in October!
Nick: Scheesh, don't remind me! It's a good thing we was comatose
Michael attacked us or we'd be Mcworm nuggets! (BOING!!)
(Tom smacks Nick in the head with a DINK!)
Tom: Don't forget, Tina and Spitz also lived through that night with
freakin fleshwounds! Ya know, Blowin up the station pissed me off, but how could
the boogey man MISS that giggly maniac!!?? That dingbat Myers aught to get the
crap beat out of him with a good, solid pipe!! (DINGDINGDING!!)
Nick: heh-heh-heh......yeah, beat him with a pipe.
(They slowly open the front door and search the dark, musty living room.
The chipmunks sing Hanson's MMmmmbop song, highly inappropriate for the
Nick: I'm gettin freaked out here! How about we just go out to
car and play a round of crazy eights?
(He tries to sneak away, by Tom nabs him by the collar. Studio
laughs and applauds)
Tom: Not so fast, Hopalong! We got a job to do!
(A terrible scream breaks up the silence. They see a young woman
chased by a masked man up the decrepit staircase)
Nick: SNICKERS!! Somebody's in trouble!!
Tom: Time to kick ass and chew bubblegum!! (Alarm clock noise)
(They run up the stairs. The chipmunks now sing the traditional
chase theme "Achey Breaky Heart" They reach the top with guns drawn and
see the masked boogey man trying to stab the woman with a vicious knife)
Tom: All right, Michael!! Capitulate or we'll shoot!!
Nick: Yeah, and surrender while yer at it!
(Tom smacks him in the head again with loud TWANG!)
Nick: Scheesh! What? WHAT??
(By now, Spitz unmasks himself with a bastard smile, Tina screechily
herself silly. The clown cops look at each other and shake their heads.
She did it to them again!)
Spitz: I swear! You guys look dorkier each time!!
Tina: Oh, if only Rachel could see the looks on your faces!! Oh
bad she won't be around to see my big debut.
Tom/Nick: WHAT DEBUT!!??
Tina: Oh, tee-hee-hee! Haven't you heard? I'm gonna be the
Halloween 6!! Look, I even wrote the new script!!
Spitz: Yeah, and I get to play Tommy Doyle!!
(Clown music dies. Tom and Nick look at each other again, horrified)
Tom: I get the feeling the apocalypse is just around the corner!
Nick: I thought I smelled the four horseman over Haddenfield!!
(They silently look at their guns and, for the sake of all that was
they closed their eyes and fired away. When the smoke cleared, they saw
that the evil was vanquished)
Nick: Did we do it?
Tom: Yes.....We saved Halloween, and that's the best Christmas gift
ever hope for!
(Suddenly the earth shook. The sky opened up, and a halo of light
escended upon them, and they were sore afraid. A gentle but large rotund angel
entered the house, bathed in the glory of the Christmas spirit. Though he
was bald and had a moustache, the clown cops were overjoyed)
Tom/Nick: OFFICER GARRET!!!???
Garret: Greetings, humble law enforcers! I was once officer Garret,
now I am known as the Archangel Garret, caretaker and watcher of policeman
(The Hallelujah chorus plays in the background)
Nick: Why have you come?
Garret: You have proven yourselves worthy of redemption tonight, my
for you have dispatched a great evil in our midst.
Tom: But.....Michael Myers is still at large!
Garret: No, not that evil. I mean Tina and her diabolical cohort!
Nick: Snickers!! Was the big guy up there keeping tabs?
Garret: Most certainly! As a reward for you valorous actions,
granting you a special gift........From this day forth, you will no longer
be clown cops!!
Garret: You will each get to pick a more dignified soundtrack to represent
you in the next Halloween movie, and any movie you should ever appear in.
Nick: Totally nebular!!
Tom: Kicking ass and takin names!!
Nick: PHAT and DANGEROUS!!
Tom: Cosmic lottery winner! (He hi-fives Nick)
Nick: Eat yer heart out, Burt Reynolds! (Nick Hi-fives back at Tom)
(Tom and Nick head back to the car, enjoying their heavenly gifts.
selected Beethoven's 9th Symphony, while Nick goes for ChumbaaWumbaa's
TubThumper song. They drive off into a new life. The Archangel Garret
flies to the camera POV)
Garret: Merry Christmas to all, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!