FROM THE SCREENPLAY
"A PUBLIC ACCESS SHOW"
CLOSE UP-SHEET OF PAPER
WRITTEN ON PAPER: Last week, the ghost of Farmer Billie Bob scared an old lady. Three days ago, we went to do a documentary about it. We were never seen again. This is our footage.
"The Farmer Bob Project"
OLD MAN'S HOUSE-DAY
An old man is sitting in a chair.
NICK:(V.O.)This is James Driftis. He has heard many tales about the ghost of Farmer Billie Bob, haven't you?
There is a mirror in the background, showing Mike holding up cue cards.
JAMES DRIFTIS:(reading)Yes...I...have. He...terrorizes...our... poor...town.
He turns to the camera. The camera zooms in on his face, making it look real dramatic.
JAMES DRIFTIS:(reading)(to camera)The...woods...are...scary...
INT. OLD LADY'S HOUSE-DAY
An old lady is sitting in a rocking chair.
NICK: (V.O.) This is the poor woman who was scared half to death when she actually saw the ghost of Farmer Billie Bob!
OLD LADY: (to camera) Yes I did. I was...um...
MAJOR: (O.S.) (whispering)Working...
OLD LADY:(to camera) ...working...
MAJOR: (O.S.) (whispering)...in my garden...
OLD LADY: (to camera) ...in my garden...
MAJOR: (O.S.) (whispering)...when I saw him...
OLD LADY: (to camera) ...when I saw him...
EDWARD: (O.S.) Okay, that's all we need. Thank you.
OLD LADY: You're welcome.
The camera moves as someone picks it up. In the corner of the screen, Mike can be seen giving the old lady a check.
MIKE: Here's your money.
NICK: (behind camera) Well here we are. It is said that Farmer Billie Bob died in these woods. We're going to see if we can get his ghost on film.
EDWARD: It doesn't look like anyone's been here in years.
A guy on a bike zooms past Edward.
MAJOR: (whispering to Nick) We're gonna have to cut that part out.
NICK: Um...but anyway, I sure hope we don't get lost. It's hard to find out which direction to go.
MAJOR: Yep. It all looks the same.
The camera pans around to show the scenery, and accidentally gets a shot of a paved path.
MIKE: Nick, they're not supposed to see the bike path!
EDWARD: (O.S.) Guys! Come here! I found something!
Everyone races over to where Edward is.
EDWARD: Look at this! There's a big red "X" on this tree!
NICK: (behind camera) Oh my! Let's film this for a while.
The camera zooms in on the "X" and stays there for several moments.
MAJOR: (O.S.) Guys! Come here! Look!
Everyone runs over to Major, who's pointing to a little man made out of popsicle sticks hanging from a tree branch.
MIKE: This is too weird! Major, did you put that there?
MAJOR: How could I have! I didn't have enough time to do it. I especially couldn't have done it when you guys were busy filming that red "X" on that tree.
AN HOUR LATER
NICK: (behind camera) Well, here we are. It's an hour later, and we haven't been able to find our way out of the woods, yet.
The camera pans over to Edward, who's eating snacks.
EDWARD: Uh...yeah. We found this bag of Doritos. They were...left by the ghost...Ohhhhhh.
MIKE: Oh my god, Nick! What's that behind you?!
NICK: (behind camera) What?! What is it?!
MAJOR: Aghhhhh!!! It's hideous!
MIKE: Come on, guys, let's run around and scream!
EDWARD: We must get away from the horrendous beast!
Everyone starts running.
NICK: (behind camera) Should I turn around?!
EDWARD: No! The monster is way too hideous!
They continue running.
NICK: (behind camera) ...There's nothing behind me, is there?
EDWARD: Are you still recording?
NICK: (behind camera) Yeah.
EDWARD: Yes there is! Keep running, don't let it get you!
Everyone continues to run screaming through the forrest, until they get tired and stop.
MAJOR: That was a close one.
EDWARD: (to camera) We should be safe in this part of the woods.
Major looks as his watch.
NICK: (behind camera) We'll never get out of here! We're gonna be lost for ever! We're trapped! Trapped!
MAJOR: Guys, I gotta go. I'll see you tomorrow.
The camera follows him as he walks to an opening in the trees only a few feet away.
EDWARD: What? What are you doing? Stay here and be trapped forever!
EXT. OLD HOUSE-FRONT YARD-EVENING
Nick is standing in front of the house with a microphone.
NICK: Is it on?
MAJOR: (behind camera) Yes.
Nick tries to say something into the microphone, but nothing is heard.
MAJOR: (behind camera) Hold on, the sound isn't working.
The camera rattles as if being messed with.
NICK: Is it on now?
MAJOR: (behind camera) No.
He continues to mess with the camera.
NICK: Is the sound on?
MAJOR: (behind camera) Hold on.
NICK: (into microphone) Hello. Can you hear me?
MAJOR: Okay, it's on now.
NICK: Okay. Tell me when you're ready.
NICK: (to camera) Hello. This is a special report...
The picture cuts out, leaving nothing but static. The sound is good, though.
MAJOR: (behind camera) Dammit! Cut!
The camera turns back on and the whole thing starts over again.
NICK: Are we ready now?!
MAJOR: (behind camera) Yes, action!
NICK: (to camera) Hello. This is a special report on the ghost of Farmer Billie Bob. He has apparently been sighted in this house.
A middle-aged man with glasses and a mustache passes Nick on the sidewalk.
NICK: Excuse me, sir. Do you live near this house?
MAN: Yeah. I live about three doors down.
NICK: Tell me, is there any truth to the stories about the ghostly apparitions that haunt this house?
Suddenly, there is a cut and Mike is standing in the man's place with a painted-on mustache and fake glasses.
MIKE: (lowering his voice) Oh, yeah. They're all true! Sometimes I walk by here at night and I can see the ghost of Farmer Billie Bob sitting on the front porch. It's really spooky.
NICK: Okay, thank you.
The shot cuts back to the real guy. He has a "What the hell are you talking about?" look on his face. He quickly leaves.
NICK: (to camera) Well, there you have it. Straight from a neighbor's mouth. Let's go inside and see if we can find anything.
NICK: (to camera) They say the ghost haunts this closet. the one with all these secret hiding places. No one knows why.
MIKE: (to camera) The ghost only comes out when it's pitch black. That's why we waited until eleven o'clock to do this.
Mike turns on a bunch of incredibly bright stage lights and points them at the closet door.
NICK: Okay, point the camera at the door. He'll come out any second.
MIKE: But, we don't know that.
NICK: Uh, yeah. Uh, we don't know for a fact that he'll come out of the closet or anything. They just say that he usually comes out at exactly...(looks at his watch) 11:17.
The closet door bursts open and Edward runs out wearing a sheet(and tennis shoes).
MIKE: It's the ghost of Farmer Billie Bob!
EDWARD: Yes I am! And I've come to take you all to the Farmer's Hell! You'll never be seen again, so you'd better keep filming!
Edward picks up a toy chainsaw and attacks Nick. He "slices" his neck while trying to avoid the fact that he's pouring ketchup on him.
MAJOR: (behind camera) Should we call the police?!
MIKE: No! Keep filming!
Edward continues to attack Nick. There's a ridiculous amount of "blood" coming from his neck. Edward empties the whole bottle of ketchup onto Nick, then turns to Mike.
EDWARD: You're next!
Major and Mike scream.
MAJOR: Let's get out of here!
Mike runs to the door and turns the handle.
MIKE: The door won't open! We're trapped!
As he talks, he struggles to open the door. It actually does a few times.
MAJOR: Oh no! What are we going to do?!
MIKE: Major! He's right behind you!
The camera swings around to show Edward coming towards the screen.
EDWARD: Here I come! HAHAHAHA!!!!
MAJOR: Oh please no! NO! NOOOOOO!!!!
Edward raises the chainsaw up in the air.
EDWARD: (whispering) Fade out when I swing the chainsaw.
He slowly swings the chainsaw.