By J. Smith

Los Angeles, California

January 20, 2000

In the warm California winter sun, J. Smith is driving her underwashed 1992 Oldsmobile down Santa Monica Blvd, when her cellular phone rings.

J: Hello?

Kevan: Hi J, where are you?

J: Oh, I going to Pasadena. I'm going to check out the Halloween location sights.

Kevan: Cool, don't forget to take pictures!

J: I didn't bring my camera, but whatever.

Kevan: Well bye!

J: Bye.

(J. drives to Pasadena, and gets out of her car near the house which was used as the Myers house. She walks to it and looks at it.)

J: What the hell? It's BLUE???!!!?!?!? Ewwww....

(Suddenly, an evil presence appears behind J. She spins around, and sees a fat, bearded man looking at her.)

J: Stay away from me, you creepy pedophile!

Joe: I'm not a creepy pedophile, I'm Joe Chapelle!

J: Joe Chapelle? You mean Joe "exploding head King" Chapelle?

Joe: Yeah. I've come here for you, J.

J: Um...okay...but you are SO not my type. Get lost.

Joe: I'm dooming you to all HALLOWEEN II!!!!!!!

J: Nooooooo! Wait...Halloween 2? What's wrong with Halloween 2?

Joe: Well, there aren't many other Halloweens I can send you to, so grin and bear it, bitch!

J: Okay, whatever. Just get it done if you must, because I have a dinner date at eight, and I don't intend to be late. Oh cool, that rhymed!

Joe: GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! You'll never escape the horror that is Halloween 2!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!

J: Whatever. Can I play Marion Chambers?

Joe: No!

(J looks at Joe with annoyance as Mr. Sandman by the Chordettes begins playing)

(The screen goes black)

(the subtitles appear)



OCTOBER 31, 1978

(As the song continues, we see the outside of the Doyle house. The song ends, and we now see J. kneeling by Tommy Doyle and Lindsey Wallace. She is wearing a blue blouse, a TIGHT pair of bell-bottoms, and her arm is cut.)

(J looks at the kids)

J: Oh cool! It's little Tommy! And Lindsey!!!

Tommy: Laurie?

(J giggles and sticks out her tongue a little as she sees the cute kids. She giggles more and tickles Tommy under his armpit)

Tommy: Huh???????? Stop!!!!!! LAURIE???!!!?!?!!?!??

(J. looks at Tommy blankly, then nods understandingly)

J: Oh, you think I'm Laurie Strode. Right, I gottcha. Um.....what Tommy?

Tommy: What's wrong with you?

J: Nothing, let me think....what do I say to you?

Tommy and Lindsey: ???

(She then tries to remember what to say)

J: Um.....oh yeah....I want you listen to me. I want you to go out of the house, and down the street to the McKenzie house. I want you to knock on..... their tell them to call the police and send them over here. I think that about covers it.

Tommy: But....

J: Just go! You have to because this is the remade part of part one and you cant be in the rest of the movie.

Tommy: ???

(J. rolls her eyes, as her impatience is already wearing thin)

J: GO!!!!!!!!

(Tommy and Lindsey both quickly stand and run to the stairs. J watches them leave)

J: Y'know, I actually have to wonder why Laurie didn't go with the kids. Oh, well...

(J turns to Michael, laying dead on the bedroom floor. She approaches him.)

J: I know your still alive. Just get up and lets get this over with.

(Michael just lies there)

J: Get up!!!!!

(Nothing happons)


(J begins kicking his body)

(J rolls her eyes)

J: Don't be difficult! *sigh* Fine, if we have to do this the hard way.

(J turns around and walks to the doorway. Moments later Michael sits up and looks at J. J quickly snaps around)

J: Gotcha! See, I knew you were playing dead, you bitch!

(Michael stands)

J: If you even attempt to grab my neck I *will* cut off your balls.

(Michael begins walking towards J)

J: Eeek!

(J begins backing away slowly)

J: Dr. Loomis........DR. LOOMIS I'M UP HERE GODDAMNIT!!!!!

(Moments later, Dr. Loomis rounds the stairwell and shoots Michael before he can hurt J. Another six bullets later, Michael is thrown off the balcony)

(Dr. Loomis looks at J, who is hunched on the floor)

J: does your gun shoot seven bullets?

Loomis: As a matter of fact, it does.

J: That's not an answer.

(Loomis runs to the balcony to discover Michael gone.)

J: Did I forget to mention Michael is not dead? He's going to harass that old Elrod lady, then he'll kill her neighbor Alice, then he'll go to the hospital after

(Loomis doesn't pay attention to J, and runs off.)

J: Stupid fool, I could have helped him catch Michael in five minutes.

(J. stands up, and begins pacing the room.)

J: Um....shouldn't the scene cut to me on the streatcher now? Oh god, do I have to wait here untill they arrive? Dammit!!!!!

(J wanders downstairs and turns the Doyle's television on. Dr. Demensia is still on)

J: My god, their tv sucked! I wonder if they have any Diet Pepsi....

(J goes to the kitchen, opens the fridge, and raids it. She grabs two Pepsi's, a can of beer, some leftover macaroni and cheese, and some pickled bologna. Chris is singing to herself.)

J: Oh Paul, I give you keys, but pleeeease my Paul, I can no longer stall.....damn this is boring.

(J goes back into the livingroom and plants herself in front of the television, eating and drinking)

J: Hmmmmm....maybe I could go across the street and poke at Annie and Lynda's dead bodies. Naaawww....oooooh, I wonder if the kids left any of that popcorn laying around.

(Fourty five minutes later, the Ambulance arrives. When Jimmy and Bud enter, they find J laying on the couch, gorged on food, and nursing a Beer and a bottle of Vodka.)

J: About damned TIME you guys got here! *burp* What if I was mortally wounded!

Jimmy: Are you okay?

J: Hi your fro is bigger in real life!

Jimmy: ???

J: Whatever: Can I just walk to the ambulance, or do I have to get on that stupid streatcher?

Bud: We have to wheel you out, miss.

J: Shut up you stoner. I was talking to Jimmy, at least he has nice eyes. What the hell does Karen see in *you*?

Bud: How did you know that Karen and I....?

J: Please, I've seen you two in that fucking hottub waaay too many times. And you have the WORST ass in America, buddy.

(Bud looks at Jimmy, confused)

(J stands and reluctantly walks to the streatcher)

J: I cant believe I'm trusting my life to that incometant hospital staff. I must be insane.

(They wheel her out to the Ambulance.)

Bud: Hey, you know this chick?

Jimmy: Yeah, her name's Laurie Strode. She goes to school with my little brother Ziggy.

J: What a retarded name.

Bud: Her old man....Strode Realty?

Jimmy: Yeah.

Bud: Okay.

J: Don't put me to sleep.....wait a minute....maybe you should....that way I can just sleep the rest of this movie out.

Jimmy: Laurie....are you okay?

(J sits up)

J: Let's see what kind of drugs you have. hmmmmmm

(J looks over some of the tranquilizers the Ambulance provides.)

J: Anything that will send me on a very psychedelic trip?

Jimmy: Huh?

J: Better yet, do you have anything that is so powerful it will most likely make my children grow gills?

Jimmy: Laurie....uh....???

J: Whatever. Don't give me anything then. I just cant trust myself to sleep while Michael kills you all.

(The Ambulance arrives at the Haddonfield Memorial Hospital. Bud and Jimmy wheel J to the operation room.)

Jill: It's Laurie Strode!!!

J: Well, it aint Nancy Thompson, you typical blonde.

(Nurse Alves enters)

Alves: Where's Dr. Mixter?

Jill: He's been at the Country Club, I think he's drunk.

J: Am I the only one who is concerned about a drunk doctor operating on me?

Alves: That's nothing for you to worry about.

J: Damn Alves, you are a bitch! Are you PMSing or what?

(Everyone looks at J with disbelief)

(Dr. Mixter stumbles into the room.)

Mixter: Oh Laurie, hi there.

(J sits up)

J: Listen, my arm just needs a Band-Aid and my ankle will heal itself. I do NOT want this man operating on me!

(Mixter examines J's cut arm)

Mixter: When's the last time you had a tetnis shot, Laurie?

J: I don' month as a matter of fact.

Mixter: Were going to have to draw some blood.

Alves: Get a needle!

Mixter: Were going to have to put her out.

J: Dammit! Are you people listening to me? I am NOT Laurie Strode and I DEMAND you set me free!

(Alves sticks J with the drug.)

J: You BITCH!!!!

Jill: Try to relax Laurie....Doctor Mixter'll have you stiched up in no time.

Mixter: Take it easy, Laurie.

J: .....*yawn*....your all die a horrible death.....*zZZzzZZzzzZZZ*

(J awakens later in the movie, with Jimmy looming over her)

J: uh....wuzza....

Jimmy: Hi.

J: Oh my god, I'm still here.

(J tries to sit up, but the drugs are still swimming in her veins.)

J: Listen, I have a very good idea. If you get me out of here right now, I'll give you all the nookie you can handle, okay?

Jimmy: Nookie?

(Nurse Alves comes in. J. rolls her eyes.)

J: I never knew how annoying these characters were. I mean, you are all so much cooler when I can turn you off at the flip of a button.

Alves: Jimmy, leave her alone! Oh hi.

J: Don't you both have anything better to do than keep harrasing me all night? I'm SUPPOSED to be resting!

Alves: How does that sholder feel?

J: How the hell do you think it feels? I was stabbed you heinous bitch!

Alves: You cracked a bone in your leg....lucky it wasn't a break. Dr. Mixter felt it would be best if he waited untill the morning to operate.

J: Whatever. I think he's already dead at this point.

Jimmy: huh?

(Alves pays no attention to J's babblings)

Alves: We've been trying to get ahold of your folks. Dr. Mixter said they were at...

J: The same party, I know. And no, I don't know where they are. It's just all too convenient they cant be found, isn't it?

Alves: You better get your rest. Come on Jimmy.

J: Neither of you come back!!!!!!

(Jimmy looks at J, and whispers he'll be back)

Alves: No you wont! Visiting hours are definately over.

J: Both of you! Get the hell out!

(They leave)

J: I just don't get it. This movie has absolutely nothing to offer. If I was in H20, I could kill that stupid bitch Molly and get it on with Josh Hartnett.....well, if I wasn't placed in the role of Keri Tate, that is. Ewww, but Adam Arkin is no trophy. Or even Halloween 6, at least they had Paul Rudd and Keith Bogart....or whatever the dudes name is who plays Tim Strode. What a threesome THAT would be!!!! Hell, Brady from 4 wasn't all too bad, even if he was a 'silky boy'.

(J yawns, and looks around the room)

J: So what the hell do I do now. What did Laurie do? Go back to sleep? Hmmmmmmm........oh man, I should have made that Jimmy get me that Coke! I guess I could watch tv, but what the hell is good on at 2 am back in 1978?

(J stands from the bed. Her leg HURTS.)


(Nurse Jill runs into the room)

Jill: Laurie? Ya'okay?


Jill: You shouldn't be standing! Your leg needs to heal!

(J sits down)

J: oh....the PAIN!!!!!!

(Jill runs out of the room, and reenters a minute later with a needle. She quickly injects J with it.)

J: Ah.....thanks. You know Jill, your not all that bad. I really felt sad when

Jill: What?

J: Nothing. So tell me, because I really don't remember how far I am in the movie....who's still alive?

Jill: What movie?

J: uhhhhh.......whatever. Anyways, a tip to the wise, doll. When you leave and you see all the tires slashed, DON'T COME BACK INTO THE HOSPITAL. There is no happiness to be found with a knife in your back.

Jill: ??? You must have been having a nightmare. Everything's fine.

J: Like hell it is. You know, you could make yourself useful and teach that stupid Janet how to use a walkie-talkie.

Jill: Everyone knows how to use those.

(J laughs to herself)

J: You know, this is truly boring. But I guess it's better than sleeping through the whole movie like Laurie originally did.

Jill: Huh?

J: And while I'm thinking about it....what the fuck was up with that little boy with the knife rammed into his throat? And why were you such a bitch telling him to wait in room A? That kid must have been mortified!!!!!!

Jill: He was taken care of.

J: I know. He talked like a retard after, but I guess it was foreshadowing, or something. Is Mr. Garrett dead yet?

Jill: Dead? Of course not!

J: I think he is. He died pretty early on. Too bad, I actually found him amusing.

Jill: Mrs. Alves is still trying to get ahold of your parents.

J: Tell her not to bother. They aren't in this movie. But.....GOD THIS IS BORING!!!!!!

(well, to make a long story short, all those Loomis scenes play out for awhile. Several of the hospital staff are offed, including Bud, Karen, and Mixter. Bla bla bla.)

(Jimmy enters J's room. She is incredibly doped up on drugs. Her eyes are strung open, and her tongue is hanging out of her mouth limply. Jimmy obviously doesn't see this as a warning sign that something is wrong)

Jimmy: Laurie....uh, I know you don't know me very well, but I just wanted to tell you...I'm not going to let anything happen to you......Laurie?

(Jimmy weaves his hand over J's eyes. Nothing happons. He runs and gets Jill. She uses that little light.)

(We then see Janet run to tell Minter that Laurie had a reaction to the medication bla bla bla she finds him dead bla bla bla Michael stabs her in the temple bla bla bla)

(Back in J's room)

Jimmy: I'm going to find Mrs. Alves.

(Jimmy leaves)

(Jill eventually leaves)

(Miraculously, J comes to. She sits up, and looks around.)


(J stands and limps out of the room.)

(Michael somehow doesn't see J leave, and enters the room and stabs the bed. bla bla bla. Jill enters and finds J gone bla bla bla.)

(We then see J limping down the corridor)

J: Damn....these drugs sure do make me sleepy now, however.....ugh.........

(J limps into a room, shuts the door FIRST, and goes to the phone. It isn't working)

J: Naturally. Why is this

(J sits on the floor and dozes off.)

(The rest of the movie continues. Marion Chambers runs into loomis bla bla bla they leave bla bla bla Marion tells Loomis that Laurie is Michael's sister and they go back to the hospital)

(J awakens and leaves the room. Because of her drugged up state, she doesn't know where the exit is.)

(Jill REENTERS the hospital and sees J.)

Jill: LAURIE!!!!!!

(J slowly turns around.)

Jill: Oh god, Laurie!!!!!!!!

(J turns around again)

J: Fuck, Michael's here. I should start leaving now.

(J doesn't bother to turn around again and begins running as Michael stabs Jill in the back)

(J runs to the stairs, runs down them, and finds herself in the basement.)

J: Holy shit! This is real now! I could die!!!!! Where the hell did Laurie go?

(J tries to think of where Laurie made her escape. She frantically runs around and eventually finds Mr. Garrett, hanged by the light.)

J: Ewwwwwww!!!! And ugh, I cannot get up to that little window!

(J hears a SNAP behind her. She rolls her eyes in discust and hoists herself up that little shelf.)

J: MUST..........GET.......TO.......WINDOW!!!!!!!!

(Suddenly, Michael grabs her ancle. She kicks it free. She gets to the top and scurries through the window.)

J: I will NOT fall onto those boxes!

(Michael swooshes his blade VERY close to J. So, she free falls to the ground, her fall being broke only by boxes full of medication)

J: AHHH! .....*crash*.... OUCH!!!!!!

(J manages to stand and limps directly to the elevator. She frantically pushes the button like Laurie did, even though she knows that one push is all that's really needed to get the elevator to work)


(J hears a CRUNCH behind her, and yelps as she turns to see Michael not too far away.)

J: I shouldn't even be scared. I know the elevator will open in the nick of time.

(The "1" DINGS)

J: (nervously) Michael, you know you CAN walk slower. Were not in a Joe Chapelle movie, ya know.

(Michael continues walking as the "G" DINGS)

J: Are you under controll of Thorn in this one? 6 claims you are, but I have a feeling that was just a plot device made up at the moment......

(J can't help it. She looks from the elevator panel to Michael, back and forth. Then begins frantically pushing the button again, STILL knowing it does no good.)

J: Come ON!!!!!

(Finally, "G" DINGS and the doors slowly open. J walks inside, and quickly presses the CLOSE button. It does, even though Michael's hand rams into the door.)

J: I never understood why the door didn't open all the way back up......

(The other door opens, and J runs to the front doors. She then stops.)

J: I REALLY need to run to that car? Nothing that cool happens, except Jimmy passes out.....

(J decides to wait it out in the cafeteria, right next door. She enters and quickly grabs some sandwhiches and Coke and sits down.)

J: Well, Loomis should be here soon. *crunch.* I *crunch* never really thought about how boring this movie is untill I've lived it. Laurie really didn't do ANYTHING untill the end. And if I was gay, then I'd have some eye candy, but naturally I was stuck in a movie with no hotties. Joe Chappelle really does know how to torment.

(Jimmy wanders into the room)

J: Well, lookie here. Have a nice "slip", Jimmy??? HAHAHAHAHA!!! I kill me!!!!

Jimmy: We....need to get out of here.......

(Jimmy grabs J's sholder and makes her come with him)

J: What the hell???? I am *very* content to just sit in there and wait for help! Maybe....AND I HIGHLY DOUBT IT BUT will make this movie shorter!!!!!!!

(Jimmy continues dragging J; out of the hospital and to his car. J refuses to sit in the passenger seat.)

J: Here's the deal. If you can start the car *hehehe* and NOT pass out *hahaha* I'll get in it with you.

(Jimmy tries to start the car but passes out. His head hits the horn)

J: FUCK!!!!!! I forgot about that!

(J quickly runs over to his door and pushes him off the wheel.)

(J begins walking, and trips over something.)

J: SHIT!!!!

(J smashes to the ground. The Marshall's car pulls up and he, Loomis, and Marion all get out.

J: .......*whimper!**whimper*

(They do not hear her as they walk to the doors.)

J: .......*whimper*......?????

(The doors slam shut)


(J stands and hauls ass to the doors, not even bothering to look around to see Michael. She reaches the doors, and begins busting on them.)


(Dr. Loomis opens the door)

Loomis: Come on get in!

J: He'll walk through the door. The marshall will die. We'll have to run.

Marion: Huh?

J: Not you. You'll go get help over the CB. I am SOOOO stressed, Marion. Can I have a cigarette? And I DO love your seventies hair and turtleneck. Very retro!

Marion: ???

(Michael walks through the door. Loomis shoots him down.)

Loomis: There's a radio in the Marshall's car. I want you to get on that radio and get Hunt!

J: I have a GOOD idea, why don't we ALL go to the Marshall's car and just drive off?????

Marshall: Now wait a minute, I'm the only one authorized to use that.

Loomis: MOVE!!!!!!!

(Marion runs to the exit and leaves)

J: Dum de dum....will this movie never end?

Loomis: I'm sorry I left you....are you allright?

(J stares foreward)

J: Not really......... HEY CUMWAD, DON'T BE STUPID!!!

(Loomis looks and sees the Marshall looming over Michael)


Marshall: But he stopped breathing!

(J rolls her eyes and grabs Loomis)

J: *sigh* Let's get going, and get this over with.

(As J begins pulling Loomis, Michael slits the Marshall's throat.)

(They run awhile, and wind up in that surgery room. Loomis gives her a gun)

J: I really don't know how to shoot a gun.

Loomis: TAKE IT!!!!!

(Michael breaks the door down. He stabs Loomis. J wastes no time and shoots Michael in the eyes.)

(Michael begins swooshing his knife. J and Loomis play the gas game trick.)

Loomis: Get out NOW!

J: I'm way ahead of you! Nice meeting you Dr. Loomis, you ARE a cool person.

(J leaps out the door)

Loomis: It's time....Michael.

(Loomis lights the lighter. The room explodes. J, who was running, is sent flying into the air.)


(J lands on the ground with a streak)

(Outside, Marion Chambers comes running in)

(J watches as Michael walks around with flames on him, then collapses.)

J: whatever.

(It is now day. Marion is wheeling J out of the hospital, surounded by reporters. J is babbling on to Marion the entire time.)

J: ...and so, I know this wont make a bit of difference, but on October 29, 1998....when you discover your house is broken into....DO NOT go in untill the cops arrive. That little shit Jimmy just wanted to steal your booze. Michael will be in the house.

Marion: Michael's dead.

J: Yeah sure.....just like Dr. Loomis is, Marion, just like Dr. Loomis is......

(J gets into the ambulance and stares.)

J: Well, this was an experience. I have learned that one of my favorite movies is, underneath the ditzy hospital staff and Ben Tramer explosions, a really boring escapade to live through. And this hospital gown is giving me a rash!

(J continues staring as Mr. Sandman begins playing.)

Chordettes: Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum....Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream bum bum bum bum make him the cutest that I've ever seen bum bum bum bum....

(scene fades to black. Instead of the end credits, we see HADDONFIELD, ILLINOIS)

(as the music continues, we then see OCTOBER 31, 1978)

(As the song continues, we see the outside of the Doyle house. The song ends, and we now see J. kneeling by Tommy Doyle and Lindsey Wallace. She is wearing a blue blouse, a TIGHT pair of bell-bottoms, and her arm is cut.)

(J looks at the kids)

J: What the fuck are you two doing here?

Tommy: Laurie? What are we gonna do?

(J looks around, and sees she's returned to the Doyle house...THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE!!!)


(J begins shaking her fist in the air)


(Tommy and Lindsey look at eachother strangely)

THE END.....(even though it truly never ends.)

**This story is dedicated to JH, who ever-so-lovingly snatched Halloween 5 away from me so I had to make due with part 2. As you can see, I have discovered that no matter what Halloween movie your put in, it's bound to suck.......even without the terrible Tina! :) **