How I learned to stop worrying and Love the Shape
MYWORSTNIGHTMARE666 TRAPPED IN HALLOWEEN ONE!
FADE IN ON
Dusty, in that house from H6. He's watching the tv he punched (when he was watching H20 with SMG), bored out of his mind. JOE CHAPPELLE is next to him, trying to get him to play Rock paper scissors.
JOE: C'mon, Dusty! Just one more game!
DUSTY: For the love of god! Leave me alone!
JOE: This time, you can be ROCK, and I'LL be PAPER! Sound fair?
DUSTY: You've already trapped SMG, Sid, JH and Matt in Halloween movies, why am I so special that you have to bother ME, you prick!
JOE:(offended)Fine then! I guess I'm just gonna go and bother.. SOMEONE ELSE!!
He disappears in a puff of smoke.
PAUL RUDD, who was recently killed by Dusty, is in his final death throes, crawling up to him all bloody.
PAUL RUDD:(choking on his blood)Help mee...
DUSTY: I thought I already killed you.
He whaps him on the face with a machete, Paul Rudd dies, and Dusty sits back on his chair.
A dark empty house. Jamie Lee Curtis' SCREAMS ring throughout.
IN THE LIVING ROOM
we see HALLOWEEN playing on tv, with Jack on his computer, surfing through the fanfiction site.
JACK: Jeez Louise, look at all these wacky stories they have! 'My Worst Nightmare', 'My Worst Nightmare MWN20', 'My Worst Nightmare 5: Joe Chappelles Death-trap'? Mundo bizarro! What are they gonna come up with next, me in..(turns to look at the tv, as Laurie stabs Michael in the eye) ..Halloween 1? HA! Like that will ever happen!
A blast of fire screams down from the ceiling, as horrendous winds start up, an EXPLOSION rocks his house, blasts of light spring forth out of nowhere, as Jack's house is transformed into some sort of pseudo-kaleidoscope.
JACK: MY BEIGE CARPETS!! NOO!!
Like Satan in END OF DAYS, JOE CHAPPELLE comes walking out of a sheet of fire, which demolishes as soon as he has walked out of it.
JACK: Holy clown cops...
smiles a smile which could turn Arnold Swartzenwatter to stone.
JACK:... ITS JOE CHAPPELLE!!! AIIEE!!
He turns around, trying to escape, but Joe's psychic powers make him drop "up" as he collides with the ceiling, then falls screaming back on the ground, in a sort of Matrix-like way.
JOE: Try it again, and you'll REALLY feel my wrath! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JACK: What do you want, Joe?!
JOE: I'm bored. And when I'm bored, I get angry. And when I get angry.. I trap people in Halloween movies. Guess where you're going??
JACK:(on his knees)PLEASE.. NOT "I STILL KNOW--
JOE: What are you talking about? That was the best fucking movie of 1998! (catches himself) Blurrt.. that isn't the point! You're going to the most horrifyingly stupid Halloween movie ever..
JACK: (closing his eyes,whispering) Not Season of the Witch, not Season of the Witch, not Season of the Witch...
JOE: HALLOWEEN ONE!!!!!
JACK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--- (stopping) Joe, are you retarded?
JOE: Well, no, but I took a test in the fourth grade to prove that I wasn't-- Hey! What do you mean?
JACK: If you weren't as half as stupid as you claimed, you would know that Halloween was the best out of the entire series, like the original Nightmare on Elm Street, hell, even the original FRIDAY THE 13th!
JOE: If you love Halloween so much, why dont you marry it??
JOE: Like it or lump it, you're stuck in it.. FOR EVER!!!!!
EXT. LAURIE'S HOUSE - DAY
OCTOBER 31st, 1978
JACK steps out of Laurie's..er.. HIS house and looks around strangely. MORGAN STRODE steps out and approaches his car.
MORGAN:Laurie, dont forget to drop off the keys at the Myers place..
Jack stares at him madly.
JACK: What did you just say?
MORGAN: I said 'dont forget to drop off'..
JACK: No, what did you just call me??
MORGAN: Laurie! Laurie Strode! Are you feeling ok?
He roughly pushes Morgan to the side as he looks at his reflection in the car window. He is no longer himself, but..
A YOUNG JAMIE LEE CURTIS!!
Jack turns around, and runs screaming down the street.
MORGAN: (yelling after him) They're coming by to see the house at 10:30. Be sure you leave it under the mat!!
as he moves down the residential street. He stops in his tracks as 8 year old TOMMY DOYLE walks up to him.
TOMMY: Hi Laurie!!
JACK: Oh jeez.. (fake smile) Hi Tommy!
He begins to walk away, obviously trying to loose Tommy, but he keeps up a steady pace with him.
TOMMY: Are you coming over tonight?
JACK: (annoyed) Why not.
TOMMY: Can we make popcorn? Can we carve jack- o-lanterns? Can we watch movies? Will you read to me? Can we-
JACK: SHUT UP!!
They stop at the old Myers place. JACK, not wanting to ruin the chain of the movie, steps toward the porch.
TOMMY: You're not 'possed to go in there!
JACK: (more annoyed) And why the hell not?
TOMMY: That's a spook house!!
Ignoring the little kid, he walks onto the porch and places the key under the mat. Remembering what happened in the movie, he peers into the screen door, searching for The Shape.
TOMMY: Lonnie Elam said never go up there, Lonnie Elam said that's a haunted house..
cannot see the Shape in the house. It's too dark. He steps off the porch.
TOMMY: Lonnie Elam said awful stuff happened there once..
JACK: Lonnie Elam is a mattress humper, ok?? For the last time kid, SHUT THE HELL UP!
TOMMY: (running away crying)
JACK: That's better.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
Jack sits at the far end of the class, watching his teacher yammer on and on about fate.
TEACHER (O.S.): FATE never changes.. blah blah blah..
Jack, acting like a paranoid freak, turns toward the window and peers out of it. Expectantly, the SHAPE is standing there.
Jack continues to look out.
He turns toward her.
TEACHER: Answer the question!!
JACK: Uhh.. Mrs… whatever, can I go to the washroom?
TEACHER: Why? Is it urgent?
JACK: (thinking fast) Uh yeah.. I'm TOTALLY surfing the crimson wave!
TEACHER: The crimson wave??
JACK: Uhh.. I'm having my PERIOD!
Everyone in the class gasps.
TEACHER: Dear god, Laurie, ok, you can go..
JACK charges out of the room, giggling at his little act.
EXT. SCHOOL YARD
Jack bursts out of the building, looking out into the streets for the shape. He isn't there.
EXT. HADDONFIELD HIGH - AFTER SCHOOL
Jack is walking boredly with the squealing teeny bopper friend, LYNDA. It is obvious Jack DOES NOT LIKE Lynda.
LYNDA: Gosh, look at all those books you have! You need a shopping cart to carry them all! (giggles)
JACK: (rolling his eyes) That was SOOOO funny.
LYNDA: It's totally insane! We have three new cheers to learn in the morning, the game in the afternoon, I get my hair done at five, and the dance is at eight. I'll be totally wiped out!
JACK: I think you have too much to-- I mean you're a whore.
LYNDA: (obviously not hearing what he said) TOTALLY!
JACK: So where's that shitty little boy friend of yours?
LYNDA: Oh.. is somebody jealous?
JACK: Of that four-eyed dork?
LYNDA: Well, it's your own fault, and I dont feel the least bit sorry for you!
They go around a street corner, shadowed by sprawling trees which seem to block out the sun.
JACK: Being trapped in this movie for eternity, you could AT LEAST say things that make sense!
ANNIE comes charging up to them from the street corner.
ANNIE: (annoyed) Lynda! Laurie! Why didn't you wait for me!
JACK: Ok, Annie, you've been in the boys locker room today, your boyfriend was caught throwing eggs and soaping windows, I dont give two shits!
There's a silence.
ANNIE: How did you..?
ALL OF THE SUDDEN
The station wagon the Shape stole earlier moves slowly from the road towards them. He comes whizzing past them.
ANNIE: HEY JERK! SPEED KI--
Jack grabs Annie and covers her mouth abruptly, the Station wagon continues down the road.
JACK: You bitch! That almost got us killed!
ANNIE: Jeez Laurie, what's with you today?
They continue walking down the road.
LYNDA: (smoking a joint) She's just pissed cuz she doesn't have a boyfriend.
JACK: Hey, at least the fucking virgin survives..
ANNIE & LYNDA: (confused) WHAT??
JACK: Nothing! Annie, I guess I have no choice but to see you later.. (shudders)
ANNIE: (calling after Jack as he runs toward his house) I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 6--
JACK (O.S.): I KNOW WHAT TIME, DAMMIT!
LYNDA: (mystified) Totally..
She takes a drag out of her joint, shrugs to Annie, as they continue to walk home.
INT. ANNIE'S CAR - LATER
Jack boredly sits in the passenger seat, staring out into the quickly darkening sky. Annie is smoking pot.
ANNIE: What's the pumpkin for?
JACK: (as if reciting lines for a play) It's for Tommy Doyle, I figured it will keep him occupied. (before Annie speaks) Shut up! I dont care if I'll make a fabulous girl scout.
ANNIE: I wasn't gonna say that!
JACK: Yeah, and I'm in Halloween H20.
JACK: Just keep your mouth shut until you get killed, ok Annie?
ANNIE: Gawd Laurie, take a Midol or something.. (smiling) Besides, I hear you like BEN TRAMER!!
JACK: (quietly) Oh god..
ANNIE: (giggling) What? I think he's cute!!
JACK: (groaning) Why are you still talking?
ANNIE: Aww.. you're blushing!
JACK: Ok, you can either shut up, or I'm telling your dad that you smoke pot and you're planning to screw tonight!
JACK: (under his breath) You never know what kind of asinine friends the main character has until you're in her god damn movie..
INT. DOYLE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM
Instead of reading 'King Arthur', Jack is reading Tommy Doyle the screenplay for Halloween...
JACK: (reading) "The shape gets out of the station wagon, close to CAMERA so we can't see him. He glances down the street. Gusts of wind blow the costumes of children going from house to house."
TOMMY: (confused) What in the world are you reading?
JACK: I'm reading you the outcome of this movie to inform you what to do when the Shape attacks! Duh!
TOMMY: (even more confused) Laurie, what's going on?
JACK: (rolling his eyes) It just makes me wish I were Kyle Strode..
He glances out the window. Across the street is The Wallace House.
JACK: (glancing at his watch) Will this movie never end..
TOMMY: Laurie, what's the boogeyman?!
JACK: (irritated) Did you learn NOTHING from the screen play?!?!
THE PHONE RINGS.
JACK: That outta be bubble headed Annie..
He walks over to the phone and picks up.
JACK: (bored) Whaddaya want, Annie?
ANNIE (V.O.): How did you know it was me?
JACK: I have the Sixth Sense. Ha! Get it, the Sixth Sense? With Bruce Willis?
ANNIE (V.O.): Hmm? Who's Bruce Willis?
JACK: Look, will you just DIE already?!?
INT. WALLACE GARAGE - A LITTLE LATER
With Lindsey at Tommy's house, Annie steps into the dark garage, blissfully unaware of the Shape stepping into the backseat of her car. She opens the door and steps inside.
INT. ANNIE'S CAR
ANNIE: (singing) Oh Paul... da da da dee dall..
She puts the key into the ignition.. and notices the strange steamy windows.
ANNIE: What the..
The Shape's hands find their ways around Annie's neck.
EXT. ANNIE'S CAR - SAME
From outside the car we see the struggle inside. Annie's anguished face presses against the steamed window. Her SCREAMS are muffled by the closed car.
Well, we all know what happens to her next.
THE LOUD, SHRILL CAR HORN rings throughout the night.
INT. DOYLE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - SAME
Jack watches Lindsey and Tommy watch THE THING, and suddenly his head perks up, as he hears the loud shrill ring. He smiles, knowing what it signifies..
LINDSEY: (to Jack) Laurie, when are we gonna eat popcorn?
JACK: (groaning) In a second, Gawd!
He frustratedly runs into the kitchen.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MINUTES LATER
Jack dumps a bag of burnt popcorn on the floor.
JACK: These 1978 microwaves really SUCK!
LINDSEY: (crying) LAURIE! LAURIE!
She runs up to him and cowers behind Jack.
LINDSEY: I DONT KNOW WHERE TOMMY IS!
JACK: The little is shit is behind the curtain.
FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN
Tommy screams as he sees the Shape outside of the window.
TOMMY: AAAH! ITS THE BOOGEY MAN! ITS THE BOOGEY MAN!
JACK: SHUT **UP**!!
THE PHONE RINGS
Jack goes to answer it.
LYNDA (V.O.): Hey Laurie.
JACK: Hi whore. Are you over there with your pussy boyfriend?
LYNDA (V.O.): (giggling) Totally! Is Annie around?
JACK: Sure, right now she's dead in the garage.
LYNDA (V.O.): WHAT!?
JACK: Look whore, if you wanna survive the night, I suggest you and your pussy boyfriend dont get pelvic!
LYNDA (V.O.): Laurie, you are TOTALLY insane! Is Lindsey over with you?
JACK: Oh who gives a shit.. go ahead.. have sex.. get killed..
LYNDA (V.O.): Totally! See ya!
Jack hangs up, and looks out the window. THE LIGHTS GO OUT in the Wallace house. We all know what's going on there..
INT. MASTER BED ROOM - WALLACE RESIDENT
Bob and Lynda are lying there, finished with the sex.
LYNDA: You know Bob, Laurie said that if we have sex tonight we're gonna die.
BOB: That mousy bitch doesn't know anything. We wont die! The couples that have sex on Halloween NEVER die!
LYNDA: Makes sense. Get me a beer.
INT. DOYLE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - SAME
Jack is ready to doze off on the couch when Tommy and Lindsey approach him.
TOMMY: Laurie, we're tired.
JACK: (half asleep) Then go to bed! DUH!
TOMMY & LINDSEY: (running away crying)
JACK: (yawns) The whore and the pussy must be dead by now. Better go face good ol Mikey.
THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN. Jack grabs it and puts it to his ear.
JACK: Jack's Taxatorium. You kill 'em we grill 'em!
LYNDA (V.O.): (gasping, obviously being choked by the Shape) Gaaannh!! agsaaa..
JACK: Oh, hey Whore! Will you just die!
JACK: Great. Are you listening Michael? I'll be coming over soon to kick your ass!
He hangs up, and looks through the window, to see lights in the Wallace house turning on and off.
Jack opens up the drawers and skims through the utensils. There's not one single butcher knife.
JACK: What a retarded house! Looks like I'm just gonna have to kick his ass.. the STRODE way! Hiyah!
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Jack locks the Doyle house and walks away out into the street. The wind whips his clothes and hair.
JACK: (ahem) I'm gonna go down in History..
He starts to walk toward the Wallace house.
JACK: Along with Jamie Lee Curtis..
JACK'S POV - the House is coming closer into view.
JACK: ..Paul Rudd..
Shivering from the cold wind, he walks onto the sidewalk in front of the Wallace Home.
JACK: ...Ellie Cornell..
He steps onto the porch.
JACK: ..and Danielle Harris..
Slowly, he nudges open the slightly ajar door.
JACK: ...as certified Michael Myers ass kickers!
INT. WALLACE HOUSE - FOYER
Everything is dark, and silent.
JACK: ..this would all be cliched.. if this were really happening!
SUDDENLY THERE IS A CRASHING SOUND FROM UPSTAIRS
that makes Jack jump up the wall.
JACK: That didn't scare me..
He slowly starts up the stairs.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY
It is totally dark. At the end of the hall is the bedroom door. From around the edges of the door is the faintest ORANGE GLOW.
Jack ever so slowly edges his way toward the door, knowing what's gonna happen.
JACK: This isn't real, this is a nightmare.. this is my worst nightmare..
HE KICKS OPEN THE DOOR --
And expectantly, Annie and Judith Myers' gravestone lies on the bed. Not scared at all, Jack turns around, and sees BOB swinging down from the attached bathroom door. A CUPBOARD DOOR swings open to reveal Lynda's body.
JACK: HA! All you jerks deserved it!
THE SHAPE lunges out at him, swiping the butcher knife at his arm. It doesn't cut. Jack manages a shriek, and The Shape grabs him by the neck and carries him like that out the door.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALL
JACK is being held up in mid-air by The Shape's clutch.
JACK: (choking) YOU ARE MUCH STRONGER THAN PEOPLE GIVE YOU CREDIT FOR!
The Shape cuts his arm (like Laurie) and hurls him over the railing, and he plummets all the way to..
INT. FIRST FLOOR
He weakly looks up, and tries to bring a pained leg to stand. HIS POV - The Shape is trudging down the stairs after him.
JACK: Oh cripes.
Remembering the front door is locked, he hobbles to..
Jack slams the door and locks it. He looks at the back kitchen door but sees the rake jammed between it.
JACK: I've written enough slasher movies to know how to make a getaway, and Laurie, that was a sloppy getaway!
Instead of resorting to what Laurie did with the french back doors, he just RAMS IT OPEN, and the door windows shatter. MEANWHILE, the shape is trying to get in.
JACK: Not this time, buddy! I want this freakin movie to end!
Since Jack is now living in a magical fantasy land, he can make anything happen. He closes his eyes, and thinks real hard.
OUT OF NOWHERE
Jason Vorhees appears, wielding a chainsaw. JUST AS MICHAEL BREAKS IN, Jason begins hacking Michael away. BLOOD SPURTS all about the kitchen.
JACK: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THE HUNTER HAS BECOME THE HUNTED!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA---
Now that Jack has opened a portal where anything can enter -- FREDDY KRUGER, LEATHERFACE, PUMPKINHEAD, BEN WILLIS, EVEN PAUL AND THE SANDMAN appear in the kitchen, and they all look at Jack, licking their lips, lusting for blood.
JACK: Jesus wept..
THEY ALL ATTACK HIM at once. Hooks, claws, and axes go at it.
INT. DUSTY'S HOUSE IN H6
Joe is sitting back relaxing, smiling to himself.
JOE: What a fool that Jack was. He should've known better than to try to beat the MATRIX.. uh.. I mean.. the MOVIE.
Dusty just looks at him with a smile.
JOE: What are you smiling at?
Just then, Dusty rips off his mask, which was once his face, to reveal JACK underneath!
JACK: I was able to switch places with Dusty! He's free.. back to planet Earth! NOW I'M HERE TO TORMENT YOU 4 -EVER, IN HALLOWEEN 6!!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!
JOE CHAPPELLE: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
TO BE CONTINUED
(be sure to catch JH'S MWN 5!! By process of elimination, only Halloween 2 and 3 are left for anyone to spoof!)