My Worst Nightmare 5:The H5 Deathtrap Of Joe Chapelle

And now.....A Special Intro by Joe Chapelle..........

Joe: BOW DOWN!!! BOW DOWN, SON OF JOR-EL, BOW DOWN!!!!!! Ooops.....(ahem)........greetings Plebes!!! Welcome to my movie, where I get to kick JH's ASS for making fun of my brilliant directing skills!! That's right, Carpenter could never have had the balls to pull off what I did!! Only I could've been so magnificent as to not only kill off all my major characters, but then EDIT them out out of the film entirely!!! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!! GODDAM I'M SO BRILLIANT!!!! Anyway, I'm finally getting the last word in on all of those who have opposed me, so sit back and watch as I KILL everything with my very special device, a computer that alters reality!!!! MY SPECIAL DEATH TRAP!!! Heheheheheheh......JH will look into these eyes, and he'll know-HE'LL KNOW, that it is *I*, JOE CHAPELLE, who encompasses his DOOM!!!!!

"JOE CHAPELLE GODCOMPLEX NIGHTMARE FILMS" Logo flashes by....

A JOE CHAPELLE/Othenin-Girard FILM.....

MY WORST NIGHTMARE 5: The H5 DeathTrap of Joe Chapelle!!!!!!!

(Screen is black. The Earth appears, as if POV were in orbit. Joe Chapelle and Othenin-Girard do VO's)

Joe: Girard, I'm bored.....what plaything can you offer me today?

Girard: A real obscure bastard in the SK system who goes by the call sign "JH". Like that nefarious Dusty, Wynn, SMG and Jack, JH has also mocked your greatness!! I think it's about time we taught this..."JH" a lesson!!

(POV flies out of orbit towards the planet, down into the city of Lima until they reach JH inside his humble abode. JH is napping in front of the computer. A half finished parody of Halloween 5 is on the screen)

Joe: How peaceful he looks.......

(Joe's waves his hand in front of the POV, as if casting a spell. An EarthQuake erupts around JH's home. JH is shaken out of his chair)

JH: ....The HELL????

(JH tries to run to the front door. He falls by a window and sees that his home is, in fact, no longer in Lima, but is flying through the air to parts unknown. JH sees several people fly by like in "Wizard of Oz". He sees Robert Englund trying to row a boat, Michael Jackson try to ride on his Llama, Former President Reagan holding onto an umbrella, And the cast of "90210" swimming through the air. Then he sees Tom Green fly by, singing the "Bum-bum" song. The last person is Tina Williams cackling maniacally on a broomstick! Unable to comprehend what is happening, JH faints. Othenin-Girard laughs heartily)

Girard: Heheheh, MOST effective, your majesty!! Will you destroy this.....*JH*?

Joe: Later!! I like to play with things a while.......before annihilation!!!!

(Thunder and lightning crackle, Joe Chapelle laughs maniacally in the ethereal distance. Scene Fades to black)

(Since Joe Chapelle is in control of the Soundtrack, BG Music opens with a heavy metal version of the "Barney" theme song as credits roll by. Joe Chapelle's story begins!!)

(Scene opens. JH is back in bed somehow. He is asleep, but is tossing and turning from a nightmare)

JH: Ugh.....No Tina.....No!.....Not the car....I don't.....NOT THE CAR!!

**************DREAM SEQUENCE************************

(JH dreams of being tied up in Tina's car. Tina is wearing a grotesquely skimpy maid's outfit)

Tina: Oh, baby.....the queen of room service is gonna get you a HOT, STEAMING BREAKFAST!!!!! TEEHEE!!!

JH: As soon as I find out what kind of drugs were put in my pizza last night, I'm gonna kick the delivery boy's ass for these hallucinations!! God!! I must have a rare strain of botulism to have nightmares of you!!

Tina: Honey, you don't know what you're missing! I'm the hottest sweet and sour dish you'll ever see on THIS side of the unconcious mind!

JH: I doubt it....Look, either kill me now or untie me and sweep my floors!! Besides, you KNOW who my favorite Halloween character is!!!

Tina: You piece of shit!! Michael's gonna kill you and turn you into a duck!!

JH: Huh??

Tina: (seductively) But first....

(Tina straddles him in the car and begins to lick his face like a heated waterbuffaloe. JH screams)

****************END DREAM SEQUENCE***********************

(He wakes in a cold sweat, wide-eyed. He looks around, realizing that he is fully awake)

JH: DAMMIT!! If I have to dream of being....ugh, with TINA one more time.....I'm gonna KILL something!! Brrrrrrr!!!!!

(He shakes to get all the "cooties" off of him. JH gets up and goes to shower and have breakfast. He sits at the table quietly and sees the morning paper in front of his plate of eggo waffels)

JH: I don't remember getting the paper.....

Voice: I got it for you!

(JH looks up and yelps like a helpless puppy dog. Joe Chapelle was sitting across the table from him)

JH: YOU!!

Joe: Yessssssssss.....

JH: What's going on? Where am I???

Joe: Where indeed? And when......

(JH grabs the paper. CU of his eyes as he blinks in disbelief)

JH: October 31st......1989?!? The Haddonfield Gazette??? What the....???

Joe: Oh dear, it looks as if you somehow slipped into your own personal HELL!!!

(JH shoots a look at the clock on the wall. It was 9:30 am)

JH: You sick bastard! You were the one responsible!! I'm in....

Joe: Yesssssss.......welcome to Haddonfield! Welcome to your doom!!

JH: What's going on!?

Joe: I intend to see you meet your demise at Michael's hands!!

JH: Uh-huh. I see.....One of those "Worst Nightmare" gigs, eh? We shall see!

(JH gets up and goes to the phone)

Joe: Calling the cops? I wouldn't do THAT if I were you!

JH: *REALLY*?? If I can lock you up til November 1st, your power over me will be broken!!

(JH speaks into the phone)

JH: Yo, Deputy Gellar! I need Sheriff Meeker, ASAP. I'm at.....What street is this?

Joe: Heheheh....13 Lampkin Lane.....

JH: Thanks......13 Lampkin Lane....I need assistance with a break in!!!.......Thank you!

(JH hangs up)

Joe: Really, JH, this is all so dramatic! No matter, I will win!! Isn't that right....TINA!?

(Tina giggles from the shadows and runs up next to Joe. They both look at JH with vicious smiles)

JH: Ugh! I don't believe it!! TINA! Get away from him! He's evil and he's wacky!!

Tina: I like Joe! Joe's gonna make me a STAR!!

JH: Tina.....be reasonable.....

Tina: TEEHEE! But JH, I try so hard to NOT be reasonable!!!! TEEHEE!

JH: You realize Joe's gonna burn you at the barn party, ya freakin skank!

Tina: No way!! I got a date with DESTINY! You see, dorkmeister....

(Tina holds up a video copy of Halloween 5)

Tina: I KNOW how the story goes! It was my STUNT DOUBLE who gets killed!! I was in on it all along!!

JH: Ugh....Tina....I always knew Michael was a monster....but YOU...

(Joe frowns)

Joe: Hey, hey, HEY!! Enough of quoting MY movie!

(JH, Joe and Tina hear The front door open)

JH: Cool, the police are here!

(Circus music wafts through the air. The Chipmunks start singing "Genie in a Bottle". JH suddenly realizes his error and covers his mouth in shock)

JH: Ah Shit!!

(Sure enough, it's our good friends Deputies Tom and Nick. BOING!)

Nick: Yo, Joe! Whadya know? Good time with da ho? (Horse laugh)

(Tom smacks him in the head)

DINK!!

Nick: Alright alright!!! SCHEESH!

Joe: Thank God you two are here. There's the intruder!

(Joe points at JH)

JH: But this is MY house!!!

Tom: 13 Lampkin happens to be owned by one Joseph Judas Herbert Walker Chapelle!!

(Joe smiles at JH, having gotten the upper hand again)

JH: Aw, HELL NO!!

(JH leaps out of a window. The Clown cops jump after him. Camera follows like a bad episode of "COPS". Music BG is fill with repetition of "Pop Goes the Weasel")

Nick: SNICKERS!! We gots a live one here!!!

Tom: You said it, Magic Johnson!!!

(Nick tackles JH in an alley. They struggle until JH realizes it's futile)

Nick: You're lucky!! You coulda got REAL hurt!

Tom: YEAH!

Nick: Good thing we're not real cops!

(Tom hits him again)

TWANG!!

Nick: Doh!!

JH: OH GOD!! Not the clown humor!!! PLEASE, ANYTHING But the CLOWN HUMOR!!! RUUUUN!!! Gurglegurglegurgle......

(They lumber him back to their squad car. JH sees Joe Chapelle exiting his house)

Joe: Love to chat, fooseball man, but I've got a script to type out, and ANYTHING I type will come true!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

JH: You sack of shit! You stole that idea from CodeBreaker!!

Joe: Why don't you just kiss my sweet sweet black ass!!?

(Joe drives away laughing. Tina starts to walk away, tugging a familiar dog on a leash)

Tina: Too bad, JH, we would've made a great team! I could've been your Que-

JH: -You say that ONE more time and I'll bite yer legs off, you inconsiderate slut!!

Tina: *FINE* Looks like I have better things to do, such as finish the movie!! Gotta go to the children's clinic and spring my trap! Teehee!!

JH: Max!! Max, listen to me!! Ya gotta warn the others!!! Run to Rachel!!! Go on, boy!!! Go, Max!!

Max: WOOF!!

Tina: Forget it, Elmo!! Max can't help you OR your friends...or the rest of the cast!!! Rachel's gonna die like a horror movie bimbo!! TEEHEE!!! Then I'll be the star!! TEEHEETEEHEETEEHEE!!

JH: You bitch! You know what I see when I look up at you? You know what I see?

(Tina looks down at him with amusement)

Tina: Oh, *DO* tell, my little neon-hearted tootsie roll!! What do you see?

JH: I look up at your fat friggin face......and I see this big honkin wart on your nose!!! If ya want, I'll pick it off with my finger!!

(JH defiantly offers up his middle finger for her assistance. Tina frowns)

Tina: You bastard!

(Tina kicks him in the magic lamp that grants wishes)

JH: OOooooooooooooohhhhhh!!!! Krusty cowtipping muthrrrrrr fuckrrrrrr!!!

Tina: See ya round, Guttenburg!!

(JH falls unconcious from the pain. Scene fades)

(Scene opens in jail. JH wakes up and sees all his friends from the fiction site trapped as well)

JH: My God, Dusty!! He got you too!!

Dusty: He got ALL of us!! Seems like he read "True Nightmare" and built his own mystical typewriter!!! He plans on having Michael attack us in jail tonite!!!

Wynn: Yeah, he decided to eliminate us all before anymore "Worst Nightmare" stories could be submitted!

Jack: Welcome to the jungle, JH!!

JH: Gah! This sucks, even for a CHAPELLE flick!!!

Cody: Yeah, with Michael under his control, he is the ULTIMATE evil!!! It's just a matter of time before he finds and controls the fiction site, too!!

(A shiver runs down their spines thinking of all the new "Chapelle" fiction that will replace their stories!)

J. Smith: That fucker's gonna kill Rachel at the Carruthers home if we don't do something!!

CodeBreaker: Trouble is, we gotta get past the Baldwin brothers over there to DO anything!

(Daniel points at Tom and Nick, who are oblivious to the occupants of the jail cell as they play their game of crazy eights)

SMG: JH, this is your nightmare, what'll we do?

JH: Hmmmm, let me think for a moment.

(JH looks around the office. Dramatic CU on Silent Bob and Horror 5 as they stare out of their cell window)

SB: Shit! I can't believe Chapelle's gonna majorly kick our asses!! We're gonna die, aren't we?

Horror 5: No way, man!!! I'm not getting gutted in Clown Cop central!!! No FUCKIN WAY!!!

(JH turns to them all in a dramatic fashion, wildly gesturing like he was William Shatner. Dramatic Star Trek music starts to play)

JH: We're.....gonna make it out alive! ALL of.....us! I'm not.....going to let them get away....with.....this!! You see...Joe Chapelle made one error....he learned too late that MAN.....is a feeling creature....that we humans....NEED conflict to survive....by putting us...in....this scene he....un...wittingly gave us....a chance to...WIN!!! I've got an idea...........

Josh Davidson: What ever you got planned, it better be quick. The Clowns will be heading out to Rachel's house anytime now to answer her emergency! I think we're up to scene five or six in the movie!!!

(JH turns to Deputy Tom and Nick)

JH: Yo, Nick.....whatcha playin?

Nick: (dink) Who me? (bop) I'm just whooping it up on my bestest of all card games in the world.......CRAZY EIGHTS!!!!

Tom: He may LOOK like an idiot. Hell, he IS one!! (BOING!), but he's the best when it comes to this!

JH: How about I challenge you to a REAL cardgame?? Like what me and the gang here play in the real world when we're not typing stories.....

Nick: (cautiously) What kind of game?

JH: It's called FIZBAN!

Nick: FIZBAN?? Sounds like a fish....

JH: It's almost like crazy eights. Trust me.

Dusty: (whispering) Oh my God!! Our hopes are in the hands of an old "Star Trek" gimmick!

(JH looks back at Dusty and the others and smirks)

JH: Trust me.

Nick: You gotta play inside the cell.

JH: Fine. Deal the cards. We each get.....ummm, 12.

Nick: Okeedokee.

(Brando leans over to CodeBreaker)

Brando: I don't get the joke. What's Fizban?

CodeBreaker: Captain Kirk was in a similiar situation in the "old Star Trek" series. JH is pulling the same stunt Kirk did to escape. It's not a real cardgame, but a diversion.

(Nick Deals. JH throws down a card)

JH: Two of Diamonds. Your turn.

(Nick throws down an Ace of Hearts)

Nick: HA! Top that!

JH: Actually, I did, but you're new at this, so I'll give ya some pointers. Aces are the weakest cards in Fizban.

Nick: Oh.....damn!

Tom: Hey, somebody's beatin the pants off of ya for once!

Nick: Kiss my ass!

JH: You played an Ace, which means I Draw a card and put down two.

(JH plays a Queen of clubs and an 8 of spades. Nick plays a 2 of hearts)

JH: Ah, damn! Nick beat me that time!

Nick: Heheheh....Nickmeister DOMINATES!!! (elephant scream)

Cody: You're LOSING a fictional game to a fictional character, JH!! This is embarrasing!

JH: Heheheh....I'm roping him in like soap on a string!!!

(JH plays a joker)

JH: OOOOOOooohhh, too bad, Nick!

Nick: What? WHAT??

JH: Joker's wild! I win AND claim a prize.

Nick: A PRIZE?? <> Like what?

JH: Oh, I don't know.....how about that nifty key ring ya got there?

Nick: I don't know....

(Phone rings. Tom answers it)

Tom: It's Rachel Corruthers! She's half naked and reporting an intruder alert! WOOHOO!! (Creepy organ riff)

Nick: (seductively) Heheh....I haven't seen a half nekkid chick since watching last nights episode of "Red Shoe Diaries" at my mommys!! (Dragnet riff)

J. Smith: Ugh! You SUCK, Nick!!

JH: You still call her *MOMMY*???

Tom: Come on, Valentino!! (BONG!!)

JH: Hey, Lobo!! My key ring!! NOW!!

Nick: Sure, sure, whatever.....

(Nick tosses him the king ring, forgetting that HIS KEYS are still attached!!!) DoodleyDOODLEY DOOP!!! BOIWANG!!!!

Tom: I'm hungry. Wanna get something at burgerking first?

Nick: Let's see.....order of fries? Or nekkid chick?? What do YOU think!!?? (WAhWAHwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!)

(Nick smacks Tom as they leave. JH unlocks the cell door and graciously bows. The gang applauds his performance)

Davidson: Dude...that was cool!!!

JH: Heheheh....I got brains I haven't even USED yet!!!

Dusty: First of all, How are we going to STOP Chapelle!?

CodeBreaker: Yeah, if he's doing this Ala "True Nightmare", ANYTHING he types on his machine will come true!!

JH: We fight fire with fire!!! Daniel, we need to get you to a typewriter.

CodeBreaker: Why Me??

JH: Cuz Chapelle is doing this movie according to the reality rules of "True Nightmare". THAT means you should be able to also reshape this reality with whatever you type up since it was the character of Daniel who HAD this ability!! Make sense?

CodeBreaker: Ummm.....Could you repeat the MIDDLE part again?

(JH turns to the others)

JH: All right! We're going to beat him at his own game!! Cody, you and SMG and Donovan go to the clinic to get Dr. Loomis and Jamie. Dusty, Horror 5, Brando, Wynn and Josh stay here with CodeBreaker and observe the movie, type up a stampede or a tidal wave if things get too tough for us!

Dusty: How do we "Observe" the movie?

JH: Just type at the top of the page "MY WORST NIGHTMARE 5". The magic of Hollywood will do the rest! Kind of like that script from "New Nightmare!"

CodeBreaker: Cool! I'm gonna bring in a herd of Lemmings to kick Chapelle's ass!

JH: OK. J. Smith and Jack, Come with me. The rest of you also stay here and fortify this place so Joe can't use any lemmings on US!! We're going to go to the Carruthers house and kick some boogeyman BOOTY!!!!

(Scene change to Chapelle's dark office in a secret location. He reads the magical script as he types)

Chapelle: Where the hell did all these lemmings come from? Must be a glitch in the machine.

Othenin-Girard: They've escaped! Their going to ruin my movie!

Chapelle: MY MOVIE!!! It will do him no good! If JH thinks he can fight Michael, he'll be in for a shock when TINA gets him!

(Girard shudders at the thought)

Girard: There's still that Codebreaker guy. He has the same powers as you!!!

Chapelle: Ugh! You're right! Sunuva BITCH!!! You won't get away with this, JH!!! I will NOT BE DENIED!!!!

(Joe begins to type furiously, altering the reality of Halloween 5)

Joe: CRY HAVOK AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAAAAAR!!!!!hahahahahaha!!!!

(JH, Jack and J. Smith are running down the street, racing against time and the action soundtrack to the old "Batman" TV show. Meanwhile, Halloween 5 plays out in front of the Carruthers house)

Nick: All clear, miss.

Tom: Checked the house from top to bottom.

Rachel: I don't get it. How did Max get out?

Nick: A DOBY, right?

(Nick points to Max, who runs up with a chew toy in his mouth)

Rachel: Ugh! This is NOT happening to me! I'm so embarrased!

Nick: That's what we're here for.......

Tom: Rescue cats.....

Nick: Find dogs......

Tom: It's our job.....

Nick: And we love it......(BOP!!!)

(JH, J. Smith and Jack keep on running, Batman theme keeps on playing. Tina Williams screeches around the corner in her black trans-am)

Tina: YEEHAW!!! You *KNOW* how I like it in the car, JH!!!!

JH: What the...? HEY!!! You tryin to KILL me or SEDUCE me???

(She drives by, narrowly missing them)

J. Smith: HEY, JERK!!!!! SPEED KILLS!!!!

(Tina spins the car around after hearing J. Smith defiantly taunt her. Tina gives her the evil eye)

J. Smith: Yeah, what *EVER*!!! Bring it on, Ho-bag!!!

Tina: I'm gonna roast you, ya little Mary Ann!!

JH: Look out!!

Jack: Hey man, we'll keep terrible Tina occupied! You gotta get to the Carruthers house now!!

JH: Just watch yourselves! She's probably a better driver than she looks!!

(JH looks up at the sky)

JH: (shouting) CODEBREAKER!!! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!!! TRY TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT TINA!!!!

(Back at the sheriff's station, Codebreaker is trying to write his own version of H5. Horror 5 gasps as he reads the "Tina car chase" scene)

Horror 5: Shit! We gotta DO something before Chapelle writes us out of the script.....PERMANENTLY!!!

CodeBreaker: Leave it to me!!!

(He types furiously)

Codebreaker: Tina eccelerates her car at J. Smith....until suddenly.....a TREE pops up out of nowhere!!!!

(Back at the chase, a tree mystically appears between Tina and the others)

Tina: FUCK!!!!

(Tina hits the brakes, swerving right into the tree with a loud crash. Tina crawls out and chases after JH)

Tina: TEEHEE!!! You're gonna pay that!!!

J. Smith: Hey, bitch!!

(Tina turns just in time to see J. Smith smack her sorry ass to the ground)

J. Smith: Go, JH!!! I got things taken care of here!!!

JH: Alright!!!

(JH continues to run. Tina pulls out a switchblade. Several Thorn cultists arrive to help Tina. BG music changes to theme from the old "Wonderwoman" TV show)

Tina: Now, now, J......It doesn't have to end like this!

J. Smith: (Ala Gary Coleman) Whatchootalkinbout, Willis?!

Tina: You're a good writer.....and your devotion to that sad little Rachel character is admirable.....but you MUST realize that you cannot win. Why don't you join up with the winning team? Be a part of our New World Order!!!! I'll even be gracious enough to overlook your little "Tina page" at your website!!! Just let me kill that shithead JH.....

J. Smith: All that fat from your horsehips must be going to your brain!!

(J. Smith swiftly punches Tina to make her point clear. Jack tackles the other cultists like a ruthless football player)

Jack: THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, MONTANA!!!!!

(Tina starts waving her switchblade around, swiping at J. Smith, who jumps out of range of the rusty knife)

Tina: YOU LITTLE SHIT!!!! I'M GONNA CUT YOU AN EXTRA SMILE!!! I'M GONNA CUT YA!!! I'M GONNA CUT YA!!!!!!!

(Scene shift to Joe Chapelle's secret hideout. He is also typing furiously)

Joe: Damn! Damn!!! DAMN!!!

(Othenin-Girard reads the script pages as JH completes the last scene)

Girard: This is really getting stupid!! What are you going to do!!!???

(Joe continues to type)

Joe: Girard, take twenty Thorn cultists and get the one called "Codebreaker"......without him, they are DOOMED!!!!

(Girard leaves quickly)

Joe: As for YOU, JH, you will not reach your destination in time!!!!! (Typing) Tina faces J. Smith and attacks with her knife! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha............

(Scene switches back to the H5 movie, in Rachel's house. Rachel is on the phone to Jamie and Loomis, unaware of the cataclysmic struggle happening in Haddonfield)

Rachel: Everything's ok, Jamie......I'll see you later....

(Deputy Nick sticks his head in from the back door)

Nick: (crinkle!) Oh, Ms Carruthers......you sure you don't want us to, ah, stick around and keep an eye on things??

Rachel: No, uhh, that's ok.....

Nick: (Squeak! Quack! Squeak Quack!!) Ya absolutimentally sure?? Why don't I check the closet one more time?? I could.....help you pick out a nice skimpy outfit for the Barn Party, Heheheheh............

Rachel: Ugh! No thanks.....Don't you have like.....criminals to catch?

Nick:....Wanna come over to my Mommy's house and watch some......TV? (Dragnet riff)

Rachel: Ummmm, no. K? B'BYE, now, B'BYE!!

(Nick leaves, followed by the sounds of Donald Duck laughing at him. Rachel goes upstairs and picks out a sweater from her closet. The Shape sneaks out of her closet as she spends an endless amount of time looking in the mirror. The dog starts barking)

Rachel: MAX!!

(Scene change to JH, who runs down the street. Action music from the 70's TV show "CHIPS" plays as he rushes to the rescue, with a heaping helping of guitar riffs and "wocka-chicka-wockas")

JH: (huffing and puffing) Wish I could bribe the editor so we could 'skip' these damn running scenes!!! AND CODEBREAKER???? YA THINK YOU COULD CHANGE THE FRIGGIN SOUNDTRACK???

(Scene change to Codebreaker)

CodeBreaker: Hmmmm, change the soundtrack, eh?? How about....

(JH keeps running, hero theme from "Flash Gordon" by Queen plays)

JH: Sweet!!

(Scene change to Joe Chapelle, who sits in shock)

Joe: My lovely soundtrack.....They're changing my WONDERFUL soundtrack.....They're RUINING EVERYTHING!!!! WAH!! WAAAAAAH!!!! (Typing) Michael pops out from behind Rachel......

(Scene change back to the Sheriff's department. With the help of Deputy Gellar, Cody, SMG, Mike Donovan, Jamie and Dr.Loomis make it back safely. Deputy Gellar looks like Sarah Michelle Gellar, and becomes aware of SMG's curious glances)

Gellar: Have we met before?

(SMG looks at Codebreaker. Both exchange grins. Codebreaker begins to type a new subplot)

SMG: Yes, we have.

Gellar: Oh, now I remember! You're my boyfriend.....And tomorrow we're going to be married!

(Before she can continue, a hand shatters the window behind her and tries to grab her. SMG grabs a chair and whacks the hand away)

SMG: Are you ok?

Gellar: You saved my life....

SMG: Aw shucks...

(Deputy Geller kisses him passionately. Theme from "Gone With The Wind" plays briefly til Dusty pops up in front of them)

Dusty: What happened??

SMG: Thorn cultists!!!!

Cody: What??

Dusty: They must have been sent by Chapelle!! We gotta keep them out!!

Loomis: Where's Michael Myers!!??

Horror 5: Shit! According to the script, Michael's in Jamie's bedroom, about to stab her sister!!!

Jamie: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Loomis: I've got to stop him!!!

Dusty: Don't be a fool!!! We're surrounded by cultists! Anyway, how do you plan to stop Michael?? Your bullets have no effect on him!!

Loomis: They sure as hell will effect those fucking cultists!!!

(Loomis starts to open fire on the Thorn cultists from a window!!! One of the cultists reveals herself to be Cara Manson, vixen from "True Nightmare")

Cara: Daniel!!! You can't win!! Give up the typewriter or else!!

Codebreaker: Hey, I thought I killed you off!!!

Cara: Joe Chapelle brought me back for the sequal, baby!! If you surrender now, I'll-

Codebreaker: NO!

Cara: How about a little-

Codebreaker: NO!

Cara: (sigh) Look, this is the only gig I've got at the moment! Wanna just quote some friggin Shakespeare?

CodeBreaker: I'm a little busy trying to survive!! Do you think you can stab Joe in the back and join our side?

Cara: I can't....it's not in the script. How about I go to burger king and wait for you or something?

Codebreaker: Fine....talk to ya later, mK?

Cody: Well, *THAT* was a rather pointless cameo! Dammit, CodeBreaker, how about Cindy Crawford, or Neve Campbell??

CodeBreaker: Dude....cultists, remember??? Like, trying to KILL us??? REMEMBER???

(Scene change to the Carruthers house. Rachel hears a noise from Jamie's room and slowly walks in. She sees the broken picture.....the suspense becomes unbearable......the door creeks.......The Shape appears.....)

Rachel: No...NO!!!

(JH leaps into the room in the nick of time, punching Michael with the smoothest martial arts punches and pushing the Shape out the window)

JH: Oh yeah.....I'm totally SMOKIN!!!!

Rachel: Wow!! That was amazing! Who are you??

(JH starts acting like hotshit)

JH: Heheheheh........I'm the coolest thang since DVD's!!!

Rachel: Very funny....How did you do that?

JH: When this is all over, we'll go down to BlockBuster and rent "The Matrix"!!

(JH pulls out a bag of skittles he was munching on the night before, playfully imitating a scene from the movie)

JH: Would you like the RED skittle, or the BLUE skittle? One will wake you up to a very different world, the other won't

Rachel: Ummmm, I don't get it.

JH: Oh.....nevermind.....just me being silly!

Rachel: Is my sister ok?? What's Michael Myers doing here??? ALIVE???

JH: It's a long story!! I'm just glad you're ok, you AND your sister!!

Rachel: Thank you!!! You saved my life!!!

JH: Aw shucks......heheheh, you know...this ain't such a bad nightmare after all!

(JH and Rachel lock eyes. JH grabs Rachel by the waist and swings her close to him)

JH: Hail to the king, baby!!!!!!

(He kisses her like a macho maniac. Rachel melts like butter in his manly grip)

Rachel: Oh MY!!!

(An Earthquake hits. At first, JH thought it was fiery passion, but soon realized it was an actual Earthquake!! JH and Rachel run out of the house to see what is going on)

JH: Aw, SNICKERS!!!

(Joe Chapelle appears in front of them in a blaze o' hellfire. Joe is dressed like Emperor Palpatine from "Return of the Jedi". He's clearly pissed. Fireballs of energy streak by in the sky, created by Chapelle's demonic wrath)

Joe: Alright, doughboy, you've had your fun!! Now it is time to teach you and your meddling friends a lesson!! My new script is nearly finished, and it don't look good for you and the brat pack!! OBSERVE!!!

(Joe tosses JH a script. JH reads, horrified that the next scene is titled "Massacre at the Sheriff's Station"! Back at the station, Horror 5 reads the same scene as it appears)

Horror 5: Aw, SNICKERS!!! Codebreaker!!! Type faster!!! Type like the wind!!!!

(The scene happens faster than Codebreaker can type. Michael bursts through the front door, and swiftly slashes Donovan's throat!! Blood splatters everywhere as Donovan collapses to the floor)

Cody: DAMNATION!!!!

Dusty: Lookout Brando!!!

(Brando, who backs into a window while firing his rifle at the Shape, is grabbed by cultists from behind!! He is brutally pulled outside and hacked to pieces)

CodeBreaker: Shit! "Hacked" is certainly the right word!!!

(Loomis turns to CodeBreaker)

Loomis: Type up some dynomite for me!

CodeBreaker: THE HELL????

Loomis: GET ME SOME DYNOMITE!!! QUICKLY!!! Cody, you take Jamie and get her to safety!!

Cody: Loomis, You're not going to do something stupid, are you??

Loomis: We're trapped in Halloween 5!! I've got to do SOMETHING dignified!!!

(Codebreaker types away. A large bundle of dynomite sticks appears, strapped to Loomis' chest. The fuse is lit!!!)

Cody:SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Horror 5: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CodeBreaker: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wynn: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Josh: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dusty: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jamie: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SMG: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Deputy Gellar: SH(Well, you get the idea!)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DITTO FOR EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM

Loomis: ALL RIGHT, MICHAEL........PREPARE TO MEET KALI..........IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!

(Loomis runs towards Michael. Everyone runs away into the back of the station to escape the blast. A large explosion erupts, knocking everyone in Haddonfield except Chapelle off their feet)

Joe: Your friends are lost......Your fiction site......lost as well.........ALL will bow before me!!! Look at you.....You're so pathetic, JH. Here you are, about to die in a bad movie along with your friends. You know what's even worse? Watching you try to get some hot and heavy action FROM A FICTIONAL CHARACTER!!!!

JH: Rachel's more human than you'll ever be!

Joe: (unimpressed) Oh.....Got me there! Ya know what else is pathetic? Those STUPID quotes you put up on the message board!! I never read such lame-ass crap in my life!! Yoour headlines are SOOOOooooooo CORNY!!! Did you, like, ever get a life??

(JH's eyes get wide as he realizes a horrible truth)

JH: So YOU'RE the one who's been dissing me on the MB!!!!! SUNUVA BITCH!!!!!

Joe: Heheheh....the truth hurts, don't it? No matter, after I totally break you two and eat your souls I'm gonna put up all my cool quotes from Thorn and my collection of Barney videos!!! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!!!

JH: Why don't you just get it over with, Doogie? You wanna edit me out cuz I'm boring?? Have me gag on a ham sandwich? Kill me in the shower?? Write me out of the script?? What lame-ass death you got planned??

Joe: Oh, I've got something *special* for you and little miss "Dead in twenty minutes"..........

(Joe steps aside to reveal a huge CORN THRESHER, all shiny and new. It's hooked up to an electric generator)

Joe: It's my latest invention....capable of causing "cranial abnormalities"!! Any last words before I totally make your heads explode??

(JH and Rachel clutch each other in dramatic desperation)

Rachel: You're a maniac!!! You won't get away with this!!

Joe: Ooooh, looks like the mop has a speaking part after all!!! You cannot escape!! After you two are dead, my minions will hunt down your sister for the sequal!!!!

J. Smith: Says who, you friggin prick!!!??

Jack: Yeah!!!!!!

(Joe becomes apocalyptically angry. J. Smith and Jack rejoin JH and Rachel)

JH: Sweet!! You guys made it!!!

Jack: We came...We saw...We KICKED THORN'S ASS!!!

Joe: This is all touching as hell, but now it is time to destroy you all with my NEW THORN CULT!!! BEHOLD!!!

(Behind Joe appears an assortment of truly evil characters: Leatherface with his chainsaw; Tina with her noxious giggling; A humoungus cyborg, Christina Aquavelvamotorola; Michael Myers with his burnt shrapnel covered knife and jumpsuit; The little red-headed brat from "Problem Child", GhostFace, The Diabolical Paul; Ben Willis, Ronald McDonald in full clown regalia; and two hundred cultists. JH and his friends look on grimly, realizing they are as good as dead)

JH: Codebreaker and the others got blown to smithereens...........I guess this is the end..........I'm sorry, guys.....I never wanted you all to "buy the farm" in my nightmare!

Jack: (spits) Hell, I can't think of a better way to go out than to stick to "Mr. Thorn" himself!!

Rachel: I've got double scoops of whupass to dish out to the kiddies!!

J. Smith: I'm gonna settle a score before I kick it!! Tina!!! You're goin down, bitch!!!

Tina: I'm ready for round two, Lola!!!

( Piece of paper suddenly falls at JH's feet. It is a note from CodeBreaker)

JH: HOLY E-MAIL, BATMAN!!! They're alive!!

(JH reads the note quickly. Codebreaker does a V.O.)

CodeBreaker: Hey JH, This is Daniel. We're doing ok here, but this is the last message you'll be getting from me....

(Scene change to the sheriff's place, where Codebreaker and the others hid from the explosion. As CodeBreaker types up the script, a "warp hole" opens underneath him and the others)

Codebreaker: To get away, I had to type "We escaped from the blast"......Now we're being sucked out of Chapelle's nightmare world, back into the real one.....Sorry, I won't be able to help you guys anymore......I did leave a few suprises to even the odds.......Sincerely, Codebreaker....

Joe: Shit!!

(A few more good guys appear to assist JH and the others: Ash from "Army of Darkness" activates his chainsaw arm; Deputy Dewey limps in with gun ready; Nurse Chambers with her deadly array of nicotine products; Snake Plissken armed with only a knife and a smartass attitude; Julia Summers with her axe; Seth Gecko of "From Dusk Til Dawn"; and Gilbert Gottfried)

Joe: All right......It is the eve of my ARMAGEDDON!!! Minions.....KILL FOR ME!!!

(The corn thresher hums to life. The cultists slowly move forward)

Ghostface: Face it, JH, you'll NEVER be the hero of the story!

Tina: (sarcastically) Well, Rachel, I know we're supposed to be best of friends......hmph, friendships were meant to be broken, babe!

Cyborg: Prepare to be assimilated, asswipe!!!

Problem Child: I hope you're insured!!!

Leatherface: (Silently revs up his souped up chainsaw)

Christina: Yo, Jack!! I hear you've been dissin me BIG time.....Well, me and Paul got a special number for you....a duet of DEATH!!!

Paul: Julia.....You're being a VERY......BAD......GIRL!!! (Grits his teeth) Now I'm gonna have to punish you like I did to your sinful friends!!!

Ben: Fishin looks good today!!

Ronald McDonald: I'm gonna supersize your ass, JH!!!!!

(JH and his crew get ready)

JH: This is it!! Time to get midieval on you, Crapelle!!!

Jack: Chrissy babe, you could probably beat me in a fair fight, maybe even kill me.....but as a singer, you STILL SUCK!!!

Ash: Grooovy.....two hundred cultists, eh? Well, I got me a DOZEN shots in my boomstick!! Let's see, that's....twelve dead and a hundred and eighty-eight pallbearers!!

Rachel: Tina....you set me up.......I trusted you!!! You were going to wipe out half the town, kill my sister and even my dog Max!!!! J. Smith and I are gonna send you straight to HELL!!!

J. Smith: Couldn't have said it better myself!! (Turns to Ben) And as for *YOU*, Captain...I'm....gonna....lop...off....your....little-

Ben: -Whoa WHOA WHOOOOA!! Don't go THERE, woman!!

(Ben Willis shrieks like a girl and puts his hands over his john thomas to shield it from danger)

Gilbert: (squinting) I, uhhh, guess this isn't the best time for a kitkat break, is it? You know, I COULD do a little fighting I suppose....well, maybe some fighting, but I'm not a fighter, see? I'm a freak who likes to shout and gnash his teeth and create comedy sidekick moments....Kind of like that third stooge....(he rambles on)

Snake: This obviously isn't fair, Joe. Why don't you run home to mommy and get a few more cultists to even the odds!

(Everyone closes in for combat)

JH: LET'S ROCK THIS MOTHER!!!!

(Violent battle Royale begins. Jack smacks Christina Agriculturolamocha, Paul and Julia grasp each other in a death grip, Snake and Ash pull out guns and open fire on the cultists, while Gilbert runs from the Cornthresher. JH flips Ghostface into a nearby newspaper stand, Rachel does a few martial arts kicks on Ben Willis. J. Smith tackles Tina and starts pulling hair and scratching eyes)

JH: You and me, JOE!!! Let's get it on!!

Joe: Pathetic loser!! I will vanquish you before you can put up another stupid quote!!!

JH: Joe, YOU are asking for it!!

Joe: What?......You mean...the *Dark Jedi* powers?? GIVE ME A BREAK!!! You couldn't fight your way out of a paperbag!!

(JH punches Joe in the nose. Snake Plissken tosses him a metal tube-shaped object)

JH: Alright....I got yer Dark Jedi powers....RIGHT HERE!!!!

("Duel Of The Fates" plays in the BG as JH turns to Joe and holds out his ornately carved lightsabre. Both ends of the sabre light up a crimson red. Joe starts wettin himself)

Joe: This is fuckin BULLSHIT!!! Codebreaker couldn't have given you those powers!! He COULDN'T HAVE!!!!!!

JH: (smiles viciously) He didn't......

Joe: (Terrified) Having Dark Jedi powers makes you more evil than ME!! You're the villain!!!

JH: (Eyes start glowing red) Just a few tricks Darth Maul once taught me so I could pound on pathetic little shitheads who dis me AND my friends!!!

(Joe pulls out a green lightsabre. JH mystically leaps at him, yelling a manly battlecry as sabres collide in a dazzling fireworks show. JH waves his hand at Joe, mystically knocking the guy off his feet. JH chops through several cultists as Joe tries to reach his reality-altering computer. Joe starts to type, but JH leaps over and swings his sabre into the device. Sparks fly everywhere as Joe Chapelle's source of power is destroyed)

Joe: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

JH: Time to face the music!

Joe: That's what YOU think!!

(JH turns around in time to see the CornThresher coming at him. JH leaps out of the way)

Joe: Michael, KILL for me!!!

(The Shape starts stabbing at everybody. Joe grabs Rachel, using her as a shield. JH hesitates in panic when he sees this. Othenin-Girard charges JH. Swifter than lightning, JH swings his weapon and flips over the bumbling stooge, does the splits on the ground and slices off Girard's legs at the knees!)

Othenin-Girard: What the FUCK???!!!

(Girard looks up in time to see the Corn Thresher run him over. He screams in agony, blood flies everywhere as he is torn to pieces and his head explodes)

Gilbert: OOOOWW!! That's gotta HURT!!!!

Rachel: HELP!!!

JH: RACHEL!!!

Joe: You're too late! Rachel's STILL gonna die and you will be dead before you can reach us at my Castle on the top of the creepy hill!!!

(Thunder and lightning rage around the large castle seen on a big hill outside of Haddonfield. Joe hops in his Pinto with Rachel and drives off. JH starts running with the help of his Dark Jedi powers in pursuit. Joe smashes into mailboxes and fruitstands as he tries to escape JH. JH finds a motorcycle and revs the engine, pops a wheelie, and continues. The chase goes through town, over a bridge, into a cemetary and past the drive thru of the local McDonald's Until Joe sweves his vehicle, forcing JH off the road. The motorcycle crashes into a storefront window and explodes)

Rachel: NOOO!!! You KILLED HIM!!!

Joe: At last, my revenge is complete!!! JH IS DEAD!!!!

(Rachel starts punching Joe, no longer caring if he wrecks. Joe, stealing from yet ANOTHER movie, incapacitates her with the "vulcan nerve pinch")

Joe: Ah, sweet victory is mine...and you, Rachel, will become my newest sacrifice to Thorn!!!!

(Meanwhile, back at the fight, Jack becomes inspired after stuffing McNuggets in Ronald McDonald's mouth and snapping his clown neck like a twig)

Jack: Hey, J. Smith!! I've got a plan!! Everyone, follow me!!!!

(Jack leads the rest of the fight back to the swirling warp hole where the sheriff's off ice used to be. J. Smiths stops and turns to face Tina....for the last time)

Tina: I'm gonna LOVE tearing you a new hole!!!

J.Smith: I've had enough of this bullshit!!

(Tina lunges at her. J. Smith grabs Tina's collar, falls on her back and flips Tina over her! J. Smith jumps on top and continues to punch the annoying little bitch)

J. Smith: This is for JAMIE! (POW!) This is for RACHEL!! (POW!) This is for MAX! (POW!!) And this is for SAMANTHA!! (POW!!) And THIS...is for ME!!! (POW!!)

(Suddenly, both look and see the CornThresher headed straight at them. J.Smith gets up, but Tina grabs her tightly)

Tina: We're both going to hell TOGETHER!!!!

J. Smith: DAMMIT!! LET GO, YOU LICE INFESTED LITTLE UNCLEFUCKER!!

Tina: (staring death in the face) TEEHEETEEHEETEEHEE!!!! Here it comes,SMITH!! Suck it down!!!!

J. Smith: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(At the last second, Ash grabs J. Smith and pulls her away from the jaws of the Thresher. Tina, seeing that she has been cheated of killing her great nemesis, screams in anger as the Thresher impales her hundreds of times and makes her head explode)

Tina: DAMN YOU ALL TO HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL- (SPLAT!) gurglegurglegurgle...........

Julia: Great! Now what?

(Jack and the rest looked on and realized they were surrounded. Jack picked up a stick of dynomite)

Jack: EVERYBODY IN THE WARP HOLE!!!

J. Smith: What about YOU!!???

(Jack lights the fuse and looks back at his fellow comrades)

Jack: Ash, take care of J. Smith....She writes some really damned good stuff.....

Ash: You got it, amigo.

(Ash grabs J. Smith and leaps to safety in the warp hole. Others start jumping in, transported to the real world. Jack and Julia are the last ones)

Julia: I'm staying, because I don't back down from this horror shit....You developed my character better than that.....

Jack: Your shoes untied.

Julia: Huh?

(She looks down. Jack shoves her into the hole)

Jack: LIVE JULIA!!! LIVE THE HAPPY ENDING YOU WERE MEANT TO HAVE!!!!

(Julia stretches out her hands to him as she disappears into the vortex)

Julia: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!

(Jack turns to the evil crowd. The fuse was almost gone)

Jack: Who wants a firecracker up the ass!???

Paul: I'm gonna kick the DOODOO out of your for your foul mouth!!

(Paul charges him. Jack swings the explosive into Paul's gut. Suddenly, an explosion from the dynomite engulfs all of them as they attack Jack)

(Scene opens with Jack on the ground. He looks up into the sky and sees a bright light surrounding him. He realizes he must be dead, but as he looks around, he sees that he is not wearing angel wings or any heavenly garb. He senses another presence nearby. He turns to see a pale young woman in a goth leather outfit smiling at him)

Tosh: Well, Jack, I haven't got all day! Move your ass!!

Jack: Oh MY GOD!!! You're.......

Tosh: Archangel Tosh. I know, what a suprise!! Thank God there's no dress code in the afterlife!

Jack: This is too cool! Are you my guardian angel??

Tosh: Guardian Angel? Naw, You're guardian angel is Sam Kenison. I'm just a delivery girl.

Jack: Sweet!

Tosh: Time to go. The big guy wants to give you a hug......It'll be mushy, but don't worry. Later in the millenium, we're gettin together with the apostles and we're gonna roast Alicia Witt, Freddie Prinz Jr, Dolly Parton and the members of N'Sync over an open fire! God said we could! It'll be fun!

Jack: Now THIS is paradise!!

(Tosh grabs Jack's hand and they start floating up through the clouds into eternal glory)

(Scene change to the top of Joe's castle. Joe and Rachel witness the explosion which kills Jack, all the cultists and destroys the warp hole)

Joe: If there's one thing I always fuckin hated about JH, it's his goddamn dramatic death scenes!!! What hokey BULLSHIT!!!

JH: Care to give a critique to my face!?

(Joe and Rachel turn to see JH in his black Jedi clothes and doublebladed sabre)

Joe: H. NORMAN SCHWARTZKOPF!!! Why can't you just DIE!!??

(Joe lights up his green sabre and tosses Rachel aside. Combat commences at the top of the castle with lightning crashing all around them. Blades clash, JH and Joe leap and turn dramatically in an evenly matched combat. After a real kickass swordfight, JH smacks Joe in the mouth, catching him off guard. JH swings his blade and slices off Joe's hand holding the sabre. Joe's hand and green sabre fly off over the edge of the castle. Joe screams in pain, but recovers and pulls out a gun and aims for JH's face)

Joe: Now, JH.......I doubt your powers make you bulletproof!! I STILL win!!!

Rachel: HEY JOE!!! FOUND SOMETHING FROM YOUR LAST MOVIE!!

(Joe turns to face her. Rachel throws a syringe with green stuff at him. It impales him in the eye. Rachel then pulls out a lead pipe and smacks Joe in the gut, pushing him over the edge. Joe screams as he falls to his doom below. JH and Rachel look at each other)

JH: Where the hell did you learn to do that?

Rachel: (smiles) Someday, we'll go down to BlockBuster video and rent "Halloween 6"!

JH: Cool.....You saved my life....

Rachel: You know what? You were right.....This ain't such a bad nightmare at all.....

(They look into each other's eyes. Rachel grabs JH and pulls him close to her)

Rachel: Hail to the QUEEN, baby!!!!

(Rachel kisses him passionately. JH surrenders and melts like lasagna cheese from her electrifying kiss)

JH: Oh MY!

(Scene switches to the green lightsabre far below. ECU of the sabre and a withered hand that reaches for it. Joe Chapelle's disembodied laugh echoes around as scene fades to black)

THE END????

(Credits roll. BG music is the "Flash Gordon Hero Theme" by Queen)