Mystery Halloween Theatre 3000


This is just something I decided to do for giggles.  Only fans of Mystery
Science Theatre 3000 could appreciate it.  Even then, This concept would
only be useful if someone submitted a truly horrendous piece of Halloween
fanfiction and I doubt that will happen.....I give you......Mystery
Halloween Theatre 3000!!

(Turn down the lights where applicable)

(song begins)

In the Myers gothic mansion,
on the Eve of Halloween,
Dr. Forrester and T.V.'s Wynn
Were hatching an evil scheme!

They kidnapped a guy by the name of Doyle,
Who thought Michael was such a vicious boil,
the experiment needed a good test case,
so they conked him on the noggin and they shot him into space!!
(Get me dooooown!)

We'll send him cheesy fanfics!
The worst we can find! (la-la-la!)
He'll have to sit and watch them all
and we'll monitor his mind! (la-la-la!)

Now keep in mind, Tommy can't control
where the fanfics begin or end! (la-la-la!)
He'll try to keep his sanity
with the help of his Halloween friends!

(Halloween roll call!):

Laurie! ("Was that the boogeyman?")
Ben Meeker! ("I'm the sheriff!")
Doc Loomis! ("Myers still owes me for therapy!")
(Kara) StroooooOOOOODE!! ("Fanfics by Thorn?  NOOOOO!")

If you're wondering how he eats and breaths
and other science facts (la-la-la!)
Just repeat to yourself "I hope Myers
isn't wearing a sucky mask!!

on Mystery Halloween Theatre 3000 (twang!)

(camera POV backs through 6 creepy doors):

#6 ominous circular portal

#5 Gothic double doors

#4 Wall of chains (the "iron" curtain)

#3 wall looks like a viciously carved pumpkin

#2 Drawbridge goes up

#! Hatch closes into the Satellite of love

Tommy: (whispers up close) Hi, I'm Tommy Doyle.  My friends and I are
trapped up in space by a couple of wacko jackos trying to break us with
truly bad Halloween fanfics!!  HELP US!!

Kara: (pops up next to him) Right now, were trying a little Halloween
fanfiction of our own.  What makes it different is that it's written
completely in Shakespearean dialogue!

(they move away to reveal Meeker and Loomis in 14th century garb.  Laurie is
sitting in an audience position, watching them.  Meeker is wearing a cheap
Michael Myers mask)

Loomis:  Prepare thyself!  Thy barque is ready, and the wind at help,
Th'associates tend, and everything is bent for Haddenfield!  I'll have you
hence soon enough, and shall level you as day does to your eyes!  What would
you undertake to show yourself as Samhain's son in deed more than in words?

Meeker: (just breaths)

Loomis: I'll anoint my sword with your blood, for I can no longer brook thy
VANITIES!!! (pulls out a nerf crossbow, shoots Meeker 6 times.  Meeker falls
back.  Laurie applauds as both actors take a bow.  Camera POV pans back to
Tommy and Kara)

Kara: Awe, that was (sob) beautiful!!  I never thought evil could die with
such pathos!! (dabs her face with a kleenex)

Tommy: (hitting the commercial sign button)  We'll be right back.....

Ten minutes of commercials, including Gary Coleman's Psychic network, a
movie ad for BioDome II starring Pauly Shore, and some schmuck from DeVry
institute shows how well he can plug things in (look carefully....his helmit
reads the name BUCKY!!!)

(show comes back on.  Laurie and Ben sword fight while Loomis gives a speech
while pretending to be mortally wounded)

Loomis: Over undying evil did this Laurie succeed
Whose state so many had the managing
That they lost Michael Myers
and made his Haddenfield bleed

Which oft our stage hath shown. And, for their sake,
In your fair minds, let this acceptance take!! (dies dramatically)

Laurie: Yo, Hamlet!  I could use a hand here!! (continues to fight Meeker
with nerf swords)

(Kara and Tommy applaud until they notice the mad ones signalling)

Tommy: Oh great!  Henry the eighth and Puck are calling (hits the button)

(Scene switches to mad scientists hideout in the big scary mansion)

Forrester: I think you'd better haul ass to Denmark, MacBeth and the funky
bunch, and get on with this week's invention exchange!!

Wynn: (in the back ground, wearing obscenely small green tights) Tomorrow
and Tomorrow....and Tomorrow.....

Forrester:(grits his teeth, not turning around) Wynn, you'd better be
working on a calender, or I'm breaking out the spark plugs for another
session of BUCKYMANIA!!! (Wynn goes quiet. Forrester smiles evilly into the

(POV on Satellite of Love)

Tommy:  Well, sirs, any good movie franchise wouldn't be complete
without...franchise stuff

Kara: Yeah.  Take Star Wars with its action figures....

Laurie: Any Disney movie with its ties to McDonalds.....

Loomis: Endless sequals like Friday 13th........

Meeker: And an entire array of party favors and posters based off of
Leprechaun 4.....

Laurie: Aw, man!  You have got to be kidding!

Meeker: Hey, I LIKED Leprechaun 4!

Loomis: That explains why Warwick Davis was found tied and gagged in your

Tommy: Hush children....Anyway, we of the Satellite of Love have decided on
an innovative way to cash in on our little Akkad cow.  (pulls away a cover
on the console)  Tadah!

Kara: It's the official Halloween boardgame!!

Laurie: Designed to be played around any of the Halloween movies!

Meeker: It comes with playing pieces for every character in the series!
Look, I can play sheriff Meeker....

Tommy: Or Jimmy the ambulence driver.....

Loomis: Or even......(holds up a mystery figure) that dork from Season of
the Witch!! (everyone cringes as a chill goes down their spines)

Kara:(rolls a couple dice) All righty, let's get this started.  I move seven
spaces, land on the sheriff's station, draw a mystery card!

Tommy: (picks up mystery card) Uh-oh, you drew the knife card (continues to
read) Everyone at location is dead.  Move back two spaces, and lose a turn.

Meeker: My turn (rolls the dice) Two.  (moves his piece) Landed on a psychic
land mine.  If Jamie is in play (Tommy acknowledges that he is moving the
Jamie piece) roll one dice to see vision.

Tommy: Let's see (rolls) I got a SIX.  Jamie has visions of missing Mom and
loses two turns!!  This game sucks!!  Thanks a lot, Laurie!

Laurie: I swear, you guys are never gonna let me live that one down!!

Tommy: What do you think, sirs?

(POV in Mansion)

Forrester: I think you DIE, Joe!  Wynn, snap into a slimjim and get ready
with the invention!!

Wynn: Righto, Stevereeno!

Forrester: As you know, Franchise ideas are something I specialize in.  You
name, I've done it: Barney toys to a Line of cloths by Immanuel Lewis, but I
have reached the PINNACLE of my mad genius!!!  I present to you......
(Wynn wheels in a TV with a tape playing)
(Tape plays, showing the killer Michael Myers dancing with kids in Halloween
costumes.  The kids are singing until Michael pulls out a Machete and starts
choppin limbs!  Blood squirts everywhere, kids go running off, screaming and
crying.  Michael spends the rest of the show hunting them down and making
their heads explode.  Forrester laughs)

MWA-HA-HA-HA!!!  Little chidren will shriek for years to come as Michael
goes on different adventures.  There's......Michael Myer's adventure at the
circus!  Michael goes on a Pirate Treasure Hunt!  Michael meets the Kooky
purple dinosaur, and many many more episodes!!  Just wait till the show goes
on tour around the nation!!!  Parents will BEG me to stop, and soon, I will

(POV on satellite)

Tommy: (whimpers and puts his head on Kara's shoulder)

Kara: You're EVIL!  Now look what you've done!!

Loomis: That is thoroughly evil and it'll never work!!

Forrester/Wynn: (gleefully) Thank you!

(POV on satellite)

Tommy:  I suddenly miss the subtle evil of Barney and those delightful

(POV in Mansion)

Forrester: Well, put down yer TV guide, boys and girls and get ready for
pain from the underarm of captain Lou Albano!  Your Fanfic this week is an
internet posting of the script from Halloween 5:  The Revenge of Michael
Myers!!!  It's a cheerful romance with clown cops, that wacky nut Tina and a
DEAD RACHEL!!! (pulls the fanfic lever dramatically) SOAK IN IT TONTO!!!

(POV on Satellite of Love.  Alarms and and lights go crazy)

Tommy: DOH!!  We got FANFIC SIGN!!!  (everyone runs into theatre)