Mystery Halloween Theatre 3000:The J Smith Saga

Intro: Hello All, JH here with an unusual story. I did it for kicks in a few e-mail messages to J Smith. She and I thought it would be kooky to submit it to the site. It's my theory on what it might be like if J Smith and a few of her friends were trapped in space by mad scientists and forced to read bad Halloween fiction! Enjoy my crack-influenced imagination.

And now....from the twisted mind of JH......more goofy fiction.......

Mystery Halloween Theatre 3000: The J Smith Saga!!!

(sing along)

In the not too distant future
Next Sunday AD
There was a girl named J Smith
Not too different from you or me....

She worked at Gizmonic Institute
another cool gal in a red jumpsuit
she did a good job cleaning up the place
but her bosses didn't like her so they SHOT HER INTO SPA-ACE!!!!!

J Smith: GET....ME.....DOOOOOOOOWN!!!!!

We'll send her cheesy fanfics!!!
The worst we can find (Lalala!!)
She'll have sit and read them all,
cuz the monitor is mine!! (Lalala!)

Now keep in mind J can't control
where the fanfics begin or end (Lalala!)
because she used those special parts
to transport her new found friends!!!!

SOL ROLL CALL!!!

ELLIE!!! (double scoops anyone?)

PARKER!!! (I'm the killer in Stab 3!)

REBECCA!!! (Hey Miss THANG!)

RoooOOOOOOSE!!! (I'm in the mood for KINK!)

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
and other science facts (Lalala)
Just repeat to yourself it's just a show
I should really just relax!!!
On MYSTERY HALLOWEEN THEATRE 3000!!! (twang!)

(POV goes in reverse. Doors close in front. Door #6 is a heavy iron drawbridge. #5 is a set of Satin curtains. #4 is a wall of flames. #3 is double doors with a big clown face. #2 is a submarine door. #1 close into the Satallite of Love. The ship is shaking. The red alert is flashing. All the gals are running to and fro screaming in bath robes and towels)

J. Smith: Great!! This is just GREAT!!!! Here we are, trying to take turns in the shower to get ready for the barn party and all HELL breaks loose!!!!

(Ellie enters in the BG)

Ellie: Great, Rachel!! Just GREAT!!!

Rose: (OS) Dammit!!! We're all out of chocolate!!! BECCA!!!

Rebecca: (OS) WHAT??

Rose: You eat all the chocolate!!??

Rebecca: Hell no! And may I ask WHO used up all the HOT WATER!!??

(J. Smith looks at them, annoyed, then turns to face POV)

J. Smith: Hey there, peace lovin friends, this is J. Smith comin at ya from the Satellite of Love!!! It's not bad livin except for when Forester and TV's Joe Chapelle send one of their classic pieces of literary trash!! Me and the gang have to riff on their bad Halloween fiction to survive being cooped up here without any hot studs for company!!!

(An explosion shakes the ship!! Rose and Rebecca move into view. Parker calmly walks in, all decked out in a hot "Jackie Kennedy" outfit)

Parker: I miss anything?

J. Smith: HEY!! There's a ship out there!!! Someone get me rocket #9!!!!

(POV changes to the outside. A giant spaceship shaped like one of those EGG CONTAINERS bangs on the SOL)

Rebecca: Turn on the hexfield viewscreen!!!

(Screen opens. We see ROBIN WILLIAMS in an old "Mork and Mindy" space suit greet the gals)

Mork: Nanee Noonoo!!!

(J. Smith and the others give a collective DOH!!)

Rose: Like, what the hell are YOU doing up here?? Hunting for goodwill??

Rebecca: How's Mindy these days??

(Everyone stares at Rebecca)

Parker/Ellie: Geek alert!!

Rebecca: What? What? So, I watch reruns. So sue me!!

J. Smith: What ARE you doing here???

Mork: Well, times are hard. I lost my job on Earth, so, I got this job hauling frieght for Planet Ork. But that's not my reason for intercepting you. My copilot needs to speak to you!

J. Smith: Copilot???

Mork: Yeah, I dumped Mindy for someone else

Rose: It figures, you creep!

Rebecca: NO!! You couldn't dump sweet old Mindy!! Remember all the good times you had??? Remember when you shrunk into that molecular world on your own livingroom table??? Remember when you gave birth to Jonathan Winters!!???

Parker/Ellie: GEEK ALERT!!!!

Rose: Just who IS this....copilot?

(Martha Meeks enters the screen!!! J. Smith and the gang pull out their guns!!)

Martha: Don't shoot! I'm only 19!!!

J. Smith: SHIT!! You have GOT to be kidding me!!!

Parker: Hey Martha, wanna play JFK???

Rose: Gawd!! I suddenly miss FERN!!!

Rebecca: No time to chat, NAT!!!!

Ellie: Why, Mork??? I thought you were different from other guys!!

Martha: We miss you on Earth!

SOL Gang: SHUT UP!!!!!

Martha: I have this video-

SOL: NOOOO!!!!!!

Mork: Nanoo?

(J. Smith turns to the audience)

J. Smith: We'll be right back!!

(Cut to commercial. A lot of gunshots are heard as we fade to black)

(Scene opens after commercial break. J. Smith and the gang are wearing various colored jumpsuits and gripping their smoking guns. The hexfield screen is full of holes)

J. Smith: Well, I think that takes care of THAT! Any more old business?

Rebecca: I still want to know who used up all the hot water!!

Parker: Hush child, Rico and Mr. Exploding Heads is calling!

Rose: Here we go, another day in the fanfic jungle!!

(J. Smith activates the screen)

(Scene opens. Dr. Forester and TV's Chapelle stare into the screen)

Forester: Hey SPICE GIRLS!!!! Ya wanna know what I want, what I really really want??

Ellie: By golly, I sense from his tone it doth be time for thy invention exchange!!

J. Smith: Ahhhhh, the INVENTION EXCHANGE!!!

Rebecca: I wanna zig-a-zag-haaaaa!!!

Parker: Down, girl! We ain't singing.

(POV focuses back on Forester and Chapelle)

Chapelle: Get ready to be "Totally Fu-

Forester: JOE!!

(Chapelle gets quiet. Forester continues)

Forester: As you may know, the big craze in the music industry is-

(On the SOL, everyone interrupts)

Rose: Country stars turning to Pop music?

Ellie: Becca?

Parker: Guest starring on the "Drew Carey" show?

Rebecca: Operation, the goofy game for dopey doctors?

J. Smith: Hanson?

(POV shifts back to Forester)

Forester: Is that your final answer?? If it is, then you're.....absolutely WRONG!!! No, my gaggle of Molly Browns, the latest craze is....BOY BANDS!!!

Rose: You have GOT to be kidding!!! They're goofy, and every band has at least ONE guy who looks like a monkey!!!

Rebecca: Wait, I know....the answer is HANSON!!!

(Ellie hugs the clueless girl like a sister)

Ellie: Gayheart, darling, we've moved on from that stage.

Rebecca: Oh.

(POV back to Forester)

Forester: Heheheh, how RIGHT you are, McGowan and friends. In fact, I've CAPITALIZED on the "monkey factor", to produce a boy band made entirely of....cute Reese' monkeys!!!!

(Forester and Chapelle move away to reveal five ordinary Reese' monkeys. Music by 98 degrees plays in the background. The monkeys hop around a bit)

J. Smith: I don't get it. They're not doing anything. They're not even singing something original.

Forester: You only noticed because you've been cooped up in space for a long time!!! Millions of young girls, with LOTS of money, will be suckered in by the craze and will buy ALL THIRTY of their albums and CDs when my monkeyboys hit the big scene!!! THEN I WILL RULE THE WORLD!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(Forester looks at Chapelle sternly until Chapelle joins in the laughter)

Parker: Ugh!! You really no how to beat a horse to death, Forester!!

J. Smith: Suddenly, I miss Hanson!!!

Ellie: And I miss Becca!!!

Rebecca: But I'm right here!

Ellie: No, I mean....(sigh) nevermind....

Forester: Okay, Mrs. Oppenheimer, the ball is in YOUR court!!! What do YOU have for this weeks invention exchange, HMMMMMM??????

(Dr. Forester looked up at J Smith and the crew, waiting for their invention exchange. POV focuses on the gals as they enthousiastically presented their marvel)

J Smith: Well sir, our invention is a sort of interactive boardgame called "BASTARD!"

Rose: You set up the game board and pick out your pieces first of all!

(Rose puts a colorful board and game pieces all over the front of the POV for all to see)

Rebecca: I want to be the shoe!!

Ellie: I'll be the nondescript blue piece!!

Parker: And I'll be the piece that looks like Han Solo!!

J Smith: Now, we've done boardgames lots of times, but this one will get players involved emotionally and verbally. It's sort of a combination of Clue, Monopoly, Family Feud and Connect Four!!

Rose: We take turns rolling the dice....

(She rolls)

Rose: Ah, I rolled 8.....

(She moves her piece. It lands on the same spot as Parker's piece)

Rose: Hey, I landed on the highly valuable Woodsboro property. I buy it for $300!!

Parker: Hey, no fair!! I WANTED THE WOODSBORO PROPERTY!!! YOU BASTARD!!!

J Smith: (snickers) Here's where the fun REALLY begins!!

Rose: Oh yeah??? Try to outbid me, you freaking bastard!!

Parker: You goddamn freaking bastard!!!

Rose: You GODDAMN MOTHER FREAKING BASTARD!!!

Parker: YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS GODDAMN MOTHER FREAKING BASTARD!!!

(Parker and Rose, now caught up in the game, get into a playful catfight, trying to bitchslap each other. They fall to the ground OS and wrestle. J Smith smiles)

J Smith: See how it works? First person to cry uncle loses the property!

Rebecca: It's fun for a whole dysfunctional family!!

Ellie: Or for a bunch of dorky guys who just want to beat the crap out of each other and cuss!!

Rebecca: Best cusser wins in the game "BASTARD!" by Milton Bradley!!!

(J Smith holds up the game box and smiles more as she showcases the product. Ellie holds up a pink box, a more "feminine" version of the game)

Ellie: And now, new "BITCH!" for girls!!

J Smith: What do you think sirs!?

(POV switches to Dr. Forester and TV's Chapelle. Both stare at the screen with jaws dropped at the sight)

Chapelle: Man, that beats out my exploding head device!

Forester: Oh, EVERYTHING beats out your exploding......Doh!! Just get this week's fanfiction ready!!!!

(Forester kicks Chapelle to scoot him along, then stares menacingly at the screen)

Forester: Nice try, TLC!!! It's a devious invention....but NOT EVIL ENOUGH!!!! Your fiction this week is called "Halloween: A night at the Circus!!" authored by our very own Alicia Witt, who fancies herself not only a child genius, but a regular Kurosawa of scriptwriting!!!

(Joe Chapelle laughs like a retarded man until Forester swats at him. Chapelle runs and cowers. On the SOL, J Smith and the crew groan)

J Smith: (unamused) TERRIFIC!! Another masterpiece by the terminally lame and dull!!

Rebecca: (pouts) WHAT KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU!!!???

Ellie: (A-la Charlton Heston) YOU DID IT!!! YOU FINALLY DID IT!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!!!!

Rose: Wow, that was pretty dramatic!

Ellie: (blushes) Thanks!

Parker: You can't kill me!! I'm the killer in-

Dr. Forester: Oh, lighten up, Pink Ranger!!!

(Forester prepares to pull the switch)

Dr. Forester: Get ready for trick or treating mayhem, Cotton Candy, clowns, Old Dr Loomis, A Lion Tamer with bad breath, a cameo by the ghost of Rachel Corruthers, clowns, Bad circus music, five minutes of Jamie Lloyd before Michael skewers her in a blender, and more CLOWNS than you can shake a stick at!!! Oh.....did I forget to mention......THE CLOWNS!!!!!!?????

(Chapelle and Forester do ECU to the screen)

Chapelle/Forester: DEEEEEEP HURTING!!!!!!!!

(POV switches to the Satellite. J Smith and friends are horrified!!)

Ellie: Oh my GOD, they killed Jamie!!!!

SOL CREW: YOU BASTARD!!!!

(Lights flash, alarms go off. The gals start running to and fro)

SOL CREW: DOH!! WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!

To be continued..... :):):)