A Very Corruthers Christmas

By J. Smith

(black screen as the tv program goes to commercial)

(First we see Florence Henderson pimping PAM in a kitchen.)

(fade out)

(Then, we see two women sitting in a kitchen, drinking coffee, and reminiscing about Paris and the waiter Jean-Pierre. "Celebrate the moments of your life.")

(fade out)

(Finally, we fade into the Corruthers House, and snow is falling softly around it. A Christmas wreath is hung on the door, and a big snowman is standing in the front yard. A lit Christmas Tree can be seen twinkling in the big front window.)

(Cut to inside. Two Shirtless, hunky Military men are sitting side by side on the couch, and Rachel Corruthers, (dressed in the same white sweater she wore in Halloween 5), with her floppy curly hair and a big Santa hat donning her head, is laying across both of their laps, almost purring as she feels one of the men's massive muscly chest and abs! Suddenly, she looks at the camera, looks surprised as her eyes widen, and smiles.)

RACHEL
(to camera)
Oh! Hi!

(Rachel quickly stands up as she smiles at the camera)

RACHEL
I'm Rachel Corruthers...but you can call me Rach!

(The two Military men stand and run off. Rachel begins walking and talking as the camera follows.)

RACHEL
And I'd like you to think for a moment...
what are you going to be doing this Christmas?

(Rachel walks over to Lindsey Wallace, who is pouring herself a glass of egg-nog.)

RACHEL
Are you going to be singing boring Christmas
carols door-to-door hoping the residents don't call
the cops? Or are you going to be at your relatives,
hoping they don't start telling the same aweful stories again and again?

(Lindsey smiles at the camera)

LINDSEY
I sure am not!

RACHEL
Or what about sitting at a five hour long Christmas
service, listening to the LONG BORING story about the
Virgin Mary when you already know how it ends.

LINDSEY
I know I agree!

(Rachel continues walking as she talks. We can see Jamie Lloyd, 9, and Billy Hill, 9, sitting by the Christmas tree, shaking the crap out of wrapped Christmas gifts, trying to figure out what they are.)

RACHEL
Well I don't know about you all....but *I*
would rather spend my Christmas watching the HOTTEST
Christmas special of the season!

(Rachel continues walking, as she passes Dr. Loomis reading Christmas cards.)

RACHEL
It'll be the most popular Christmas show of all time and...

(Richard and Darlene Corruthers, both wearing red sweaters and holding egg-nog, walk up to Rachel)

DARLENE
Honey! Don't forget the special guest stars!

(Rachel slaps her forehead.)

RACHEL
Of course, what Christmas special would be complete
without the SPECIAL GUEST STARS??!!? Tune in to catch...

(Cut to image of Rebecca Gayheart smiling and waving at the camera in front of a shopping mall. She is holding several bags of presents.)

RACHEL
(v.o.)
Rebecca Gayheart!

(Cut to image of Parker Posey smiling as she calmly takes some warm Christmas sugar cookies out of the oven. She then smiles and waves at the camera.)

RACHEL
(v.o.)
Parker Posey!

(cut to image of Leonardo DiCapprio, drunk in a strip bar with a Christmas wreath dangling off his head. He grins funny at the camera and raises his hand, which loosely has a cigarette hanging off it.)

RACHEL
(v.o.)
Leonardo DiCapprio!

(Cut to image of Mark McGrath and Brittny Spears building a snowman outside. Brittney freaks when one of the eyes fall off)

RACHEL
(v.o.)
Mark McGrath! Brittney Spears!

(Cut to image of Kirstie Alley smiling warmly at the camera in front of a warm, cozy fireplace. Christmas stockings are dangling from it.)

RACHEL
(v.o.)
Kirstie Alley!

(Cut to image of Jonny Lang playing his guitar on the sidewalk while some homeless Santa rings a bell next to him.)

RACHEL
(v.o.)
Jonny Lang!

(Cut to image of Zsa Zsa Gabor as she is walking through a festive shopping mall. Several men behind her are carrying bags and bags and bags of presents. Zsa Zsa lightly laughs as she waves at the camera.)

RACHEL
(v.o.)
Zsa Zsa Gabor!

(Cut to image of Fred and the rest of Limp Bizkit as they down shots of alcohol, each glass has a candy cane stuck inside it.)

RACHEL
(v.o.)
Limp Bizkit!

(Cut to image of Rachel giggling as Keith and Derek Brewer, shirtless, are standing on either side of her, rubbing her sholders.)

RACHEL
Oh yes, and the Brewer Twins!

(Keith and Derek smile and wave at the camera.)

(Rachel walks into the livingroom where a full-on commotion is happening. Closest to the wall, standing in a perfect row are about ten shirtless Military men. They are staring straight forward.)

(In front of them are Richard, Darlene, Lindsey, Samantha, Jamie, Billy, Loomis, Marion Chambers, and Mr. Garrett. They are all swaying to the fast beat "Christmas-like" music.)

(Suddenly, a group of three black women wearing flashy gold, red, and green sequenced dresses come into view as they begin humming into their microphones.)

(Rachel picks up a Microphone and a candy cane. She takes a lick of it, and gives it to one of the Military men. Suddenly, the shirtless Military men begin doing a kick-line (similar to the Roquettes) as the music picks up.)

(Rachel runs in front of everybody and begins singing to the camera as the three black women move in somewhat behind her. Everyone begins moving to the music a little. Several skimpy-clad Vegas girls wearing red and green bathing suits appear and begin throwing mistle-toes around the room. Keith and Derek Brewer squeeze in beside Samantha and Lindsey, much to the girls' delight. Some guy dressed up as Santa comes down the Corruthers staircase, laughing and waving at the camera. Several girls in mini-dresses (shaped like Santa's suit) begin dancing all over the place. Tina Williams appears, doing cartwheels and other strange acrobatics as Rachel begins dancing around and singing.)

RACHEL
(singing)
Well it's gonna be Christmas at the Corruthers,
and you know were gonna have a lot of fun!!!!!

3 LADY BACK-UP SINGERS
(singing)
Lot of fun!

(Rachel stops and smiles at the camera.)

RACHEL
(cont. singing)
Merry Christmas everybody!

3 LADY BACK UP SINGERS
Merry Merry...

(Everyone joins in as they wave)

ALL
(singing)
Merry Christmas everyoooooooooooooone!

3 LADY BACK UP SINGERS
(singing)
Corruthers Christmas...merry merry Christmas.....
Corruthers Christmas.....merry merry Christmas!

RACHEL
(singing)
Merry Christmas!

(Rachel stops and grins at the camera.)

ANNOUNCER
This December 25th, spend your Christmas with
America's favorite family...the Corruthers in.....

(Scene goes black and words appear: A VERY CORRUTHERS CHRISTMAS!!!)

ANNOUNCER
(cont.)
A VERY CORRUTHERS CHRISTMAS!!!!! Only on NBC.

(Rachel winks.)

(fade out)

(fade into a couple looking around a home as that strange Remax red baloon flies all over the place.)

NBC ANNOUNCER
We now return to...Home Again with Bob Vila.