Tonight: Treehouse of Horror '79!
INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT On the stage is one HOMER J. SIMPSON, clad in bellbottoms and sporting a HUMONGOUS afro wig.
He looks stoned.
HOMER(slurred):Hello, people. How're y'all doin tonight? That's great. Me? I'm okay. Better than okay, I'm groovy man. Really groovy. 'Scuze me while I kiss the sky. Hee hee.
CAMERAMAN(O.S.):Psst! We're on the air, jackass.
HOMER:WHAT? Oh, crap! (composed voice)Good evening, and welcome to another delightful installment of "the Simpsons." Well it's that time of the year again, and as usual we have a VERY special episode prepared for your viewing pleasure. So enjoy, light up a doobie and remember...Richard Nixon is Rosemary's Baby! PEACE!
TITLECARD: "JAWS of Death."
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE- NIGHT - ESTABLISHING SHOT
An ordinary suburban home in the heartland of 1970's era America.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
HOMER SIMPSON, 36, watches tv. He's a slow, balding man whose weight far exceeds his IQ. On his stomach is a can of DUFF beer.
Beside him on the couch is his wife, MARGE SIMPSON, 34, a slim, good looking woman whose curly hair rises in a blue tower over her head like the Bride of Frankenstein's(odd no?).
Their 10 year old son, an acidly witty spiky haired deliquent by the name of BART JO JO SIMPSON enters.
BART:How's it going on all?
HOMER(zombie like): Shh! TV.
MARGE(equally zombie like): Yes. TV.
Bart looks to the TV. They're watching "Welcome Back, Kotter".
John Travolta(TV): Up your nose with a rubber hose!
Cue laugh track.
Bart walks in front of the TV.
BART: What is this crap?
HOMER: Get outta my space, pizza face!
Eight year old daughter, LISA MARIE SIMPSON enters, a book in hand, as usual. She's the "brain" of this family.
LISA: Are they watching that stupid show again?
BART: All they ever do is stare at that damn tv.
HOMER: What are you kids talking about? All the best stuff in the world is on TV.
Lisa begins to flip through the channels:
LISA: TV is nothing but a vast cultural wasteland! (icy disdain)Sonny and Cher? The Mod Squad? The CBS evening news with Walter Kronkite? What's to be gained from watching any of this crap?
BART: Yeah. How come we don't do anything as a family anymore? Milhouse's family takes a trip to the beach TWICE a year. We're 'lucky' if you take us to get shots at the start of the flu season.
MARGE: I don't know kids...
LISA: Come on, mom. We deserve this!
HOMER: What do you think, Marge?
MARGE: Well, Lisa HAS been getting straight A's. And Bart hasn't committed a serious crime in two weeks...
BART: I'm practically a decent human being!
HOMER: Eh, why not? Tomorrow, we're going to the beach!
EXT. BEACH - DAY
Homer and Marge 'set up camp', while the kids go off to play.
Marge: Don't swim off too far now!
KIDS: We won't...
Homer brings a large stereo and lays it down beside the beach blanket (which incidentally is a SIMPSONS TM beach blanket).
MARGE: Homer, what are you doing? That stereo isn't ours.
HOMER: No, but I'm sure the owner won't mind if we borrow it for a little while.
HANS MOLEMAN lies buried under a pile of sand a few feet away.
HANS: Help me! Somebody!
HOMER: That's enough you.
Homer throws a towel over Han's head.
Bart and Lisa splash around. Lisa finds some seaweed and wraps it around her head like a crown.
LISA: Look, Bart! I am Lisa, queen of the ocean!
BART: I am Exxon, king of deadly oil spills.
Bart pops open a can of Coca Cola and sprays Lisa with it.
Bart laughs his ass off.
Stranger's pov: The JAWS theme begins to play as we rise out of the depths Of the ocean toward an unsuspecting Lisa's dangling legs.
Lisa's arm is given a harsh tug.
LISA: What the-?
Lisa is PULLED under! A second later she emerges with eight year old RAPLH WIGGUM on her arm, the teeth digging into her flesh.
Shakes him off:
RALPH: I like you.
BART: LISA, WATCH OUT!
A great white shark leaps out of the ocean and devours Ralph.
CHIEF CLANCY WIGGUM, the world's fattest and least competent cop lies on the beach beside his wife.
His eyes widen in surprise, and he points at something O.S.
CHEIF WIGGUM: Oh my God! Did you see that? A seagull just picked a fish out of the water!(nonchalant) Oh, and I think somebody's kid was just eaten by a shark.
MRS. WIGGUM: Clancy that was our son!
WIGGUM: It was? Well, I'll be a sonuvabitch. RALPH? Ralphie?
Wiggum goes to the surf.
LISA: I uh, don't think he'll be back anytime soon.
Ralph's torn swim trunks wash up on the shore.
INT. TOWN HALL
Everyone in town has gathered to discuss the shark.
MAYOR QUIMBY stands at the podium.
QUIMBY: All right, all of you settle down! I will now ah, take suggestions as to how this matter shall be dealt with.
The townspeople fight over one another to get heard.
HOMER: Pick ME! Me! Me! Me!
Looking at PATTI, and SELMA:
HOMER:I think you should gather all the childless female DMV employees in town, and feed them to the shark.
QUIMBY: I will ah, take that into consideration.
LISA: I think you should send a trio of shark hunters to capture and kill the shark in the most humane way possible.
QUIMBY: I ah, second that motion!
The aide whispers something in Quimby's ear.
QUIMBY: We don't have any shark hunters currently residing in Springfield, would anyone like to volunteer?
Grizzled fifty-year-old CAPTAIN McCALLISTER rises to the occasion.
CAP'N: Arrh! I'll catch this bird for you! CHIEF WIGGUM and his wife are in attendance clad in black from head to toe.
WIGGUM: Yeah, and I'd also like to help catch that shark!
HOMER: And me!
WIGGUM: What do you know about catching a shark?
HOMER: I know not to stick my hand in the water. Err, I mean I can provide food...and beverages! Yes, wonderful brain killing, alcoholic beverages for all!
CAP'N: Aye! It's a deal!
INT. PIER - DAY
Homer has on his fishing gear, and is ready to go out and get that shark.
Marge looks understandably worried for her hubby. The kids look on full of shock, and disbelief.
MARGE: Oh Homer, I really wish you wouldn't do this.
HOMER: Marge, relax. The worst that happen to me is that I'll die a violent, and grotesque death writhing in the jaws of a killer shark.
MARGE: Homer, I've asked you many times before to never try and comfort me.
HOMER: Oh, sorry. Look, whatever happens I want you and the kids to know that I will always be with you. Always.
The family Simpson hugs.
Chief Wiggum calls from Cap'n McCallister's fishing boat.
WIGGUM: Are you coming or what?
HOMER: Goodbye, Marge.
MARGE: Goodbye, Homie.
LISA: Goodbye, dad.
HOMER: Goodbye, little Lisa.
BART: Dad? Even though you will almost certainly die trying to catch that shark, you will have died trying to do good for this town.
HOMER: Does that mean you're proud of me, son?
BART: No, dad, this town blows. But I don't love you any less than I ever have or will.
Homer steps onto the boat and waves bye to his family.
EXT. SEA - FISHING BOAT - LATER
Homer, Cap'n McCallister, and Chief Wiggum sit on the barge. All three have fishing rods in hand.
HOMER: Any of you guys been to the movies lately?
HOMER: That's too bad. There's this great movie I saw the other day that's about a mother who has to cope with the onset of adolescence in her little girl . I believe it was called THE EXORCIST. It sounds sappy, but trust me, it's SO not a chick flick...
McCALLISTER: Look, thar he be! THE SHARK glides through the water toward the boat. It leaps out of The water and GNASHES IT'S JAWS.
HOMER: AHHH! Chief Wiggum fires shot after shot, but the tiny bullets do not so much as phase the shark.
CHIEF WIGGUM: We're uh, gonna need bigger bullets.
The Shark leaps up onto the boat. The men scatter like roaches.
Cap'n McCallister: Dear lord, it's a twenty-footer!
Chief Wiggum: I don't like the looks of that mouth.
HOMER: I'll handle this.
Homer grabs a harpoon and throws it at the shark with the sharp end facing the wrong way. It bounces off the Shark and splashes harmlessly into the ocean.
Chief Wiggum: You IDIOT! That was our only line of defense!
McCallister looks at Wiggum:
Cap'n McCallister: I think we should throw it some fresh meat, if you know what I mean.
Homer: Well, I still got a sandwich left in my bag-
Wiggum, and McCallister throw Homer out to the Shark. He screams!
It swallows him whole.
The family Simpson cries out in horror.
MARGE: HOMER!!!! OFFICER LOU: Don't worry ma'am; they know what they're doing.
INT. SHARK STOMACH
HOMER: Phew! It smells in here!
VOICE: Can you get your elbow out of my crotch?
Homer lights a match, and is taken aback by the identity of his companion.
HOMER: JIMMY HOFFA?!! So that's what happened to you!
Ralph emerges from under a pile of dead fish.
RALPH: Mr. Hoffa, is my NEW best friend.
JIMMY: Please help me!
BART: This is incredibly wrong-headed! Don't they know that the only way to kill a shark is by blowing it to pieces?
Bart looks around, and sees FLANDERS and his kids boarding a motor boat.
He leaps off the pier and onto the boat. He throws ROD, and TODD off the boat, and takes the wheel away from Flanders.
LISA: Bart, where are you going?!
BART: I've got to save, dad. Hey Flanders, mind if I take the helm?
BART: That's nice. Hang on to your butt.
BART, starts the motor, and puts the pedal to the metal but it isn't moving.
He looks and sees that the boat is anchored to a post by a rope.
BART: Could you uh-?
Bart stops the motor, and Flanders unties the rope. Immediately, the boat lunges out into the ocean, and Ned falls ass over backwards!
BART: I'm coming, dad!
EXT. MOTOR BOAT
Bart lights a pipe bomb. He steers the boat on a collision course toward the distant shark fin.
The JAWS theme rises on the soundtrack.
The Shark leaps out of the water.
Bart: Eat this!
Bart tosses the pipe bomb inside it's jaws.
INT. SHARK STOMACH
The guys look to the pipe bomb.
HOMER: Oh no! A pipe bomb!
HOFFA: Throw it out!
Homer grabs the pipe bomb, and a tosses it back out!
The pipe bomb flies out of the mouth of the shark just as it splashes back down, and makes contact with the boat propeller. IT EXPLODES!
The boat begins to sink.
BART: Help! HELP!
EXT. FISHING BOAT
Cap'n McCallister points to the boy.
Cap'n: Ar! That little boy will surely be eaten.
The Cap'n looks to Chief Wiggum, expectantly. Finally he notices.
WIGGUM: Hey, what do I look like? A cop?
Bart tries to swim away quickly, but the shark is too fast(of course). It swallows him.
Lisa is horrified.
LISA: Oh no! The shark swallowed BART.
OFFICER LOU: Yes, but the shark's going back out to water. Now that it's eaten three people, we'll probably NEVER see it again.
MARGE(sigh): I knew it was gonna be one of those days.
EXT. FISHING BOAT
Wiggum, and Cap'n McCallister wave bye to the Shark.
WIGGUM: Goodbye, Mister Jaws, thanks for not eating me.
CAP'N: Arr. I dare say that I thoroughly enjoyed feeding you, Homer.
INT. SHARK STOMACH
BART: Aww, this sucks. I had to be eaten by a shark just as Itchy and Scratchy was about come on TV.
HOMER: Don't worry. We can entertain one another.
HOMER: By singing songs, telling stories, and quite possibly committing suicide. You know, after the reality of the situation sets in.
HOFFA: I wish I had never become a teamster.
HOMER: What a bunch of miserable misers. Come on Ralph, you're happy aren't you?
RALPH: I sure am, Mister Simpson. This license plate tastes funny.
HOMER: See? You just have to think positively. It's like my good friend Eric Idle once said: (begins to sing) Always look on the bright side of life...
A chorus of whistlers backs Homer up on the soundtrack.
EXT. SEA - SUNSET
The shark fin begins to fade away from view.
HOMER (V.O.): Always look on the light side of life. If life seems jolly rotten there's something you've forgotten/and that's to laugh, and smile, and dance, and sing/ when you're feeling in the dumps/ don't be silly chumps/just purse and whistle that's the thing/ always look on the bright side of life...